Whatto! Everyone...
We decided to go and explore Egypt!
I was facinated by all the pointy things they have there!....
I like pointy things.......
I really do.....
Anyway.....we headed orf to the airport at some ungodly hour of the morning.....
(05.30)
....and arrived there in good time for our departure.
And as the time to 'book in' arpproached....
....we made our way to the appropriate departure desk.....
.....and I noticed something strange about the departures board.....
The Lady at the desk told us that "Due to another pointy thing in Iceland......
....we wouldn't be able to see all the pointy things in Egypt!"
How awful!
I asked who I should complain to and they told me 'God' was to blame......
.....so I went straight to the top!
I sat down and knocked out this letter to the Almighty himself!
"Dear God,
How dare you let orf your pointy things in Iceland at a time when my good Lady wife and I are heading orf to see other pointy things in Egypt!
Can't you see that your actions render the whole situation totally pointless?"
I wasn't sure where to send it to ....so I left it under a chair at Gatwick airport....
...if God's as clever as he likes to make out.....
...he'll find it!
The Airport Staff told us that we may well be able to fly out in a couple of days.....
....so we took their advice and decided to hang around London.....
...staying first in a my sisters flat.
When we arrived....
..(having dragged our cases and hand luggage around most of London - brilliant exercise if you ever fancy a really good 'work out'!)
...I realised that I'd completely forgotten to mention to my good Lady wife that my sister had told me there was no electricity at the flat....
....and thus no hot water!
How I laughed when I realised my omission!
Har! Har! Har!
But she didn't seem to see it as quite so amusing......
....she mentioned something about 'having decorators in'...
....but I explained that it wasn't our job to change the interiors of the premises in any way.
After a lovely candlelit salad supper with my sister which involved making several bottles of good wine disappear......
.....we settled down to sleep on a device known as a futon!
I don't know whether you have had the opportunity to sample the delights of a Futon......
....but it basically involves sleeping on the floor.....
....on a thin bed of straw!
It's Very Cosmopolitan!
But I imagine it was invented by a Masochist....
The following morning we woke up aching almost everywhere....
....so I was absolutely delighted to find that there was one part of my body which was completely unaffected......
.....my eyebrows!
We headed orf with renewed vigour.....(and rested eyebrows) .....with our luggage.......
.....to an Internet cafe and my good Lady wife immediately booked us into a Hotel near Tottenham Court Road!
How spontaneous!
When we finally arrived there......
...using the system known colloqually as 'The Underground'.....
The Hotel was amazing!
It even had a swimming pool downstairs!...
....WITH SAUNA AND STEAM ROOMS!
Wallop!
In the evening.....We ventured out to the Picadilly area and booked tickets to see a show called 'Legally Blonde'....
...which was a lovely tale with lovely singing......
...it definately left us with that 'feel good' factor!
....so the following night we did exactly the same thing!
Not the same show of course....
....this time we decided to cheer ourselves up by going to see someone called 'Les Miserables'.
The show was great.....
....but rather confusing......
......and by the end of the show.....
....we still hadn't figured out which one was Les!
On the TV the BBC World Service chappies told us that our rescheduled flight was also cancelled!
Whatto!
....so we reluctantly agreed that we would probably have to forgo the pointy things in Egypt for now.....
.....and we decided to head back home.
I decided to use this 'opportunity' to broaden my Lady wife's experiences......
....and explained to her that these days....
....far too few people use public transport!
By the time I'd finished my rousing speech....
....I'd persuaded her to make use of a somewhat antiquated system known as 'Railway'.....
We had to catch a sort of small train from Tottenham Court Road to Liverpool Street.....
.....then a 'Proper' train from Liverpool street!
It was all very exciting!.....
....and we got to sit fairly near to a family of simple folk who couldn't read or write and had two amazingly large dogs with them and a Grandmother in a wheelchair!
They kept shouting at each other throughout the journey......
.....trying desperately to communicate to each other....
.....so I was somewhat pleased when the train stopped and an announcement came over the tannoy saying 'This train has now broken down....please leave the train and wait on the platform'....
....such good service!
We immediately alighted......
....and then watched the train drive away!
Which I thought was a little strange....
....presumably whatever was wrong with the train....
....was cured by removing the passengers from it!
Then my good Lady wife noticed that we didn't seem to have all of our luggage!
I counted our bags.....
....and found that she was perfect;y correct!
I had inadvertently left our hand luggage on the bally train!
I went for a walk to calm down.....
....and found a lovely member of the Railway staff....
....who explained that my luggage was now on it's way to Southend!
How lovely for it!
....and I would have to go there to retrieve it!
How bally jolly!
When I explained to situation to my Lady wife....
...she just laughed!....
....hysterically!
We got on a train to Southend.....
.....and I reminded myself to remember to count the number of items of luggage we had with us.....
....at ALL times.
At Southend I was thrilled to see a Porter in a uniform whop was standing on the platform with our luggage between his legs!....
...What Service!
....He had thereby relieved us of the ordeal of having to queue up at some counter or other to talk to someone or other about our 'embarassing predicament'!
....and he even pointed out the train we needed to catch to get back to Billericay!
What service!
We headed back once more to our intended destination.....
....where we caught another proper train......
....and this one DIDN'T break down!
.....but after two stops were told we would have to get orf!....
.....to catch a BUS!
(Something to do with there suddenly being no connection on the Railway between two stations - which apparently there IS on weekdays!.....how amazing is that?!)
Dragging our cases to a nearby carpark....
....I couldn't help wondering why I hadn't gone along with my Lady wife's suggestion of ringing our Chauffeur to come and collect us!.....
....but I was determined that we should experience this bally 'Public Transport' at first hand!
The bus ride was uneventful....
...save for the fact that the aircon was broken....
...and somehow the bus was able to produce Egyptian style heating conditions in no time at all!
In contrast to this....the next train we caught had fully working (and non adjustable) aircon....
....which suddenly plunged us into shiveringly arctic conditions!
What Service!
Once we arrived at Norwich thought our problems would be over!
But travelling a mere 15 miles from the City to Virtual Manor ......
....(which we were told was in "the middle of Nowhere")...
...was proving more difficult than we imagined....
.....in the end we chose to travel by yet another Train.....
(yes....some people NEVER learn!)
.....followed by an extremely expensive taxi.....
....who deposited us (in a heap)....at our front door!
And the whole return journey of 120 miles only took us 8 hours!
What Public Transport service!?
....that's an average speed of 15 miles per hour!
I really must remember to book another trip next year!
....It certainly does wonders for the old stress levels!
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
