Lord Noel - Agony Uncle

Whatto! Readers.....

Another week.....

....another GBP....

....and another edition of our Village rag races to the presses.....

This week I got a lovely letter from a confused husband - seeking my valuable advice.....

"Dear Lord Noel....

I am writing to you because I have reached a point where I can no longer understand my wife......

...and I am hoping you can advise me.

We were chatting away happily enough....

....when suddenly she went quiet on me.....

....and now refuses to talk to me at all!

I remember the conversation distinctly.......

....we were sitting quietly in bed reading when my wife suddenly looks over at me and asks:
"What would you do if I died?..... Would you get married again?"
"Definitely not!" I reply.
"Why not? Don't you like being married?" she responds.
"Of course I do," I say.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" asks my wife.
"Okay, okay, I'd get married again," I admit.
"You would?" the wife says with a hurt look.
I groan.....and decide to stop digging.
"Would  you live in our house?" my wife asks.
"Of course, this is a lovely house," I reply.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" my wife persists.
"Where else would we sleep?" I ask.
"Would you let her drive my car?"
"Probably, it's almost new," I respong....(that's when I answer her loudly to cover the sound of a high pitched fart).
"Would you replace my pictures with hers?" she asks.
"That would seem like the proper thing to do," I answer.
"Would you give her my jewelry?"
"No. I'm sure she'd want to use her own," I retort.
"Would she use my golf clubs?" my wife asks.
"No, she's left-handed." I say.....

And since then she hasn't said a word to me!......

Yours confusedly 

Alphonse Jamtart"

....and my response....

"Dear Alphonse,

You have been given a great and rare gift......indeed there are not many men who can induce prolonged silence in a woman.....Enjoy it while you can!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel"

Lord Noel On Ageism At Work

Whatto! Pepys....

I had a an interesting discussion with myself about 'Age' the other day.....

And I came to a common consensus about 'Age Differences'....

For example.....

You may be wondering what the difference is between being aged 8, 18, 28, 38 and 48, 58 and 68?

Well.........

At 8, he takes her to bed and tells her a story.

At 18, he tells her a story to take her to bed.

At 28, you don't need to tell stories to go to bed.

At 38, she tells him a story and takes him to bed.

At 48, he tells her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58, she stays in bed to avoid history.

At 68, you both go to bed. That's the story.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Reading Overdue Books

What ho! Book lovers

I came across a section in our local library......
....dedicated to "The Diagram Prize Winners"....

The Diagram Prize is awarded each year to the oddest title presented at the Frankfurt Book Fair.
I browsed through this 'must read' shortlist.....

1) Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself [A book for woodworkers]

2) Knitting with Dog Hair

3) Wood Carving with a Chain Saw

4) Nuclear War: What's In It For You?

6) How Green were the Nazis?

7) Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them

8) How to Avoid Huge Ships

9) Bomb Proof Your House

10) Waterproofing Your Child

Happy Reading!
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Being Forking Brilliant

Whatto! Travellers

I wonder if any of you have been to PASADENA?

Well....right where Pasadena and St. John avenues divide, there's a fork in the road.

It's about 18 feet tall and looks like stainless steel.

The fork's appearance a few days ago, tines firmly stuck into a little Caltrans-owned median, was a bit of a mystery at first.

"Is it a guerilla installation?" guessed Rochelle Branch, the city's cultural affairs manager, who oversees the public art program. "I don't know if it's through Caltrans, but it is clever."

Caltrans spokeswoman Maria Raptis, who said Caltrans leases the small plot of land to the city, was equally baffled.

"Sometimes we do put art up. We have context-sensitive art off some freeways," she said. "But I don't know about this."

David Amronin, co-artistic director of Pasadena's always edgy NewTown arts group - they describe themselves as "A Persistent Weed in The Garden of Art" - said it wasn't his group.

"I wish it was," Amronin said. "Like a dinner fork with tines down? Very cool and edgey. I mean, it's right up our alley and I wish we could take credit for it."

It turns out the fork is an elaborate - and expensive - birthday prank in honor of the 75th birthday of Bob Stane, founder of the Ice House comedy club, who now owns the Coffee Gallery Backstage in Altadena.

"Oh, so you know it's me?" said Stane, who was visiting his 95-year-old mother in Palm Springs Tuesday. "We really want to give this thing to the city as public art, and Advertisement it looks promising at this point."

Stane said he first mentioned the fork in the road idea 10 years ago to his friend and partner Ken Marshall.

But it wasn't until his week-long birthday celebration, that his friends pulled the surprise.

The wooden fork, is "expertly carved and painted," to look like metal, Stane said.

"It's anchored in 2 1/2-feet of concrete and steel. It's not a public danger - unless someone drives into it."

Stane confirmed that his friends, in full Caltrans uniform complete with helmets and lights, dug the hole "in dead of night."

Branch said she loved the idea of the fork installation.

So did Sue Mossman who, as executive director of Pasadena Heritage, has been known to fault the city's public art choices.

"It's quite well done, and quite bizarre," said Mossman, who noticed the giant fork as she headed up St John to work. "It's actually cool."

It remains to be seen if the city will get the joke.

"I like it. I'm a fan of guerilla art," Branch confessed. "It reminds us that art is something people make for other people to see, something we had no expectation of finding. And it was free!"

Stane said the fork in the road may end up in the Guinness Book of World Records.

"I hope it will be in many movies - the `Pasadena Fork in the Road,"' he said. "Even if we're going to be arrested, I think we've added something to Pasadena."

Tallyho!

I'm just orf with my gorillas to bury a huge fork'n spatchula in our village green!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Just Walking Away

Whatto! Winter Walkers.....

Today I headed out again...

...despite the unfavourable weather forecasts.....

...well....after all....

...it says there's going to be 'more snow'....

....and there's already loads about already!

The paths were a bit more snowy.....

....and that just varied the walk for me.....

There were the usual wonderful aerial displays...

...from nearby trees....

And the fields looked strangely tranquil....

....wrapped up cosily in their huge white bedspread....

 

I noticed that the traffic has compressed the snow now.....

....so that apart from a thin strip running down the centre of the road....

...the rest is like an ice rink!

 

I'm not sure if this is a disused windmill....

....or just some kind of tower?...

....whatever it was....

...it's definitely a folly now....

...but I loved the way it surveyed this typically Norfolk countryside...

 

Then the forecasts came true.....

....and the heavens opened!....

....and suddenly the handy ear flaps fitted to my lumberjack hat....

...became very useful indeed!

 

You can't see it well in this pic...

...but right now...

...the wind was blowing fiercely from right to left....

....horizontally!

 

But some people just keep going...

...even in these conditions!...

....and I was one of those people!

....as was a local farmer...

....in his tractor...

...pulling rolls of hay to feed his animals on....

 

I was so interested in watching him...

...manoeuvre his tractor backwards through the gate....

....that I didn't notice my footing.

I had wandered away from the centre of the road!

Within a split second the ice had had it's fun with me....

....and I was flipped over onto my back!

Oooouch!

As I struggled to my feet...

....(hoping the farmer was too busy to have noticed my slight error of judgement).....

...I took my mind off things....

....by focusing my complete attention...

...on the telephone box...

...which was growing in a nearby hedge!

 

Then another tractor trundled by...

...and I wondered if the first farmer had text his mate....

...to say "there's some nutcase falling around in the snow down here....

....if you fancy a good laugh at his expense!"

 

Once the other tractor had passed...

...I took a few seconds out....

....just to regain my comfort.

And prove right the old adage....

"Don't eat the yellow snow!"

 

Once the snow stopped falling....

....the clouds began to clear quite quickly ....

....and a gloriously sunny sky became exposed once more....

 

Today I was particularly glad to reach home base....

....and I immediately treated myself...

...to a lovely pot of hot porridge!

Which had some honey drizzled into it.....

...delicious!

 

Yes....

I can safely say...

....that the great thing about walking round in the snow....

....has got to be....

...when you stop!

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Witnesses A Bitter Struggle

Whatto! Barmen....

I was in our local pub recently....

...when suddenly a chap I've never seen before walks up to the bar........

.....and asks our barman for a pint of bitter....

The barman says, "Bitter’s off just now, we’re waiting for the dray and a delivery."

Our barman offers him a pint of lager...

....which he sips at puts back down on the bar in digust....

The man then says, "No Bitter!" He angrily exclaims.....

.....the continues "OK then, I'll have a flaming rum and coke."

After drinking his amazing 'flaming' rum and coke, he goes back to the bar and again asks for a pint of bitter.

Once again the barman says "We still don't have any!", so the man orders a screwdriver.

He drinks his screwdriver. He then goes back and asks yet again for a pint of bitter.

The barman says "Look, if you take the rum out of a rum and coke, what do you have?"

The man replies, "Coke."

"If you take the vodka out of a screwdriver, what do you have?"

The man replies, "Orange juice."

"Now, if you take the flame out of a pint of bitter, what do you have?"

The man looks puzzled, "There is no flame in a pint of bitter."

The barman replies, "Now...That’s what I've been trying to tell you!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Receives Religious Instruction

Whatto! Vicars.....

I was chatting to our Vicar the other day...

...a charming Lady...

...(if slightly deranged)....

....and I wanted to ask her what solace she, as a female, drew from the Bible...

So I said "Vicar, as a female, what solace do you draw from the Bible?"

....and she said "Well Lord Noel, I think that The Bible teaches us so much...

...about God himself......

..and how he thinks..."

I was listening intently....

....but I wanted to know exactly what she meant....

....so I asked her....

"What exactly do you mean Vicar?"

And she replied "Well the Bible teaches me to know....

....what God knew......

....for example....

...I believe that God Knew:

...that Adam would always be lost on Earth because men hate asking for directions.

....and that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote...... because Men

don't really want to see what's on television, they want to see what else is on!

And God also knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his wore out unless there was someone there who was prepared to go and get it for him......

......and God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

.....and that Adam would never remember which night the bins had to be 'put out'....."

"That's very interesting Vicar" I interjected.....

....but she wasn't listening to me any more.....

....and I could see by the look in her eyes that she was somewhere else now.....

.....so she continued....

"And God knew that if the world was to be populated, Adam would never be able to handle the pain and strength involved in childbearing.....

....and that Adam would never remember where he put his tools....so the garden of Eden would become overgrown." 

She suddenly turned towards me....

....and with her eyes glaring wildly....

....she pointed her accusatory finger....

....right at my soul!

"The scriptures account of creation also indicates Adam needed someone to blame when God caught him hiding in the garden after eating the apple!.....

So....when God finished the creation of Adam and stepped back to admire his handiwork.....

....it was only natural that he should conclude.......

......"I can do better than that."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Getting In A Pickle

Whatto! Citizens....

Another testing week....

...and despite the wintery weather...

...we've all been working feverishly...

....to ensure that another Edition of our little newsletter.....

.....'The Teston Times'....

.....hits doormats all over the village....

....within which MY weekly 'Advice column'.........

.....remains firmly entrenched.......

......as an integral part of this work of great genius!

(Isn't it amazing where a little bit of bribery and corruption will get you? )

This weeks letter is from a gentleman named Bill - the Pickle Packer

Dear Lord Noel
I work in a local pickle factory. I have been employed there for a number of years when, one day during a bust shift I rang my wife and confessed to her that I had a terrible compulsion...... 
I told her "Darling...I find myself nursing an almost uncontrollable urge...to stick my 'man part' into the pickle slicer!"
My wife suggested that I should see a sex therapist and talk about it, but I said "No...I would be too embarrassed"......

So instead I am writing to you...

I vowed to overcome this compulsion with my own with sheer will power.....
But a couple of hours later, I came home....... 

My wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's seriously wrong, Bill?" she exclaimed.
I asked her "Do you remember earlier today that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my 'winkly chap' into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!?" she cried in dismay.....
"Oh Yes, I did!" I burst out
"My God, Bill, what happened?" she pleaded
"I got fired." I replied
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired, too."

Dear Bill

Thank you for your letter....I too am interested in pickling! At the moment I too am embarked on a long-term pickling project which involves a liver....my own!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Winter Waterways

What ho! County Council walk arrangers....

Today I followed a walk designated as 'circular'.....

....by the Norfolk County Council.

But I shall call it 'Silly Walk number 62'...

....for reasons which should soon become clear.

It starts of sensibly enough.....

....down a sensible pathway....

....surrounded by sensible fields and woods....

...and these sensible paths...

....lead to a sensible reserve....

....owned by the sensible RSPB....

...called 'Sutton Fen'...

...a very sensible name indeed....

...since it is truly a 'Fen'....

....and its location is in a place named 'Sutton'....

...see?...

...all very sensible....

...so far...

...so good.

 

Patchy snow showed where sensible hedges...

...had protected the sensible path from silly snowdrifts.....

 

And now and again....

...the path became obstructed....

...by silly trees and bushes....

...who found the growing weight of the recent snow....

...just too much to bear!

Timber!

Right!...

...Enough of this silliness!

I love the sunlight in Winter....

....harsh....

....but clear and bright....

...it matches perfectly the thin icy air....

 

As you walk along the path you will pass some boatyards....

....which are based around the Stalham Staithe.....

The Official map suggests...
...that you walk past this...
....and then walk alongside the A149 bypass!
With traffic hurtling past you at 60+ mph....
...whilst you struggle to keep a foothold on an extremely slender and slippery grass verge!

Which....to my mind....

...is not only totally bonkers!...
...but very very silly!
And that is why I have named it 'Silly walk number 62'....
(It's number 62 on their list of walks here)
....and if you are the Council worker who designed it...
...then YOU are very silly too!
Who (in their right mind) would want heavy lorries screeching right past their ears at high speed...
...whilst they struggle to remain upright?

Unless you are completely tyred of living!

(Har! Har!)

 

So I nipped over the style..

..and into the deserted boatyard itself....

....which was eerily quiet....

....and anyone who has enjoyed a holiday on a Norfolk Broads cruiser....

....may be interested to see how they look...
...at this time of the year....

 

Abandoned around the fringes....

...of this hard white expanse....

.... of frozen water...
...which is imperceptibly...

....moving ever closer....

...to tighten its icy grip...

...on these stranded fragile hulls....

 

Lifeless and locked in place...
...by this frosted carpet...
...which now fills their home...

...the secretive waters....

....swirl silently beneath them...

...cut off from fresh light and air...
...until the next thaw....

 

Moving past the boatyards...

....one walks down a small village lane...

....to the proudly named...

"Museum of the Broads"
...a building which looks as though it has grown organically over the years...

...to house the bewildering array of artifacts and equipment...

...from boating days of old...

 

Eventually one leaves the built up area....

....to move into open country side....

....and once more....

...the ubiquitous Norfolk reeds....

... stand proudly to attention....

...as they bravely await the thatchers scythe....

 

Small country lanes lead one around in a curve...

...back towards the sounds of the roaring traffic....
...and the dreaded A149 once more....

 

But not until one has had one final chance...
...to enjoy sights... like these skeletal fingers....

....straining skywards....

...trying to pluck what warmth they can....

...from the hollow wintery air.

The Council are obviously trying to be very helpful....

...by putting up these signs...

....warning us all that 'Wild Fowl' are ahead.

And they have included a little silhouette of one....

...should you happen to see its shadow first....

...but this sign definately needs updating....

...because when I counted them....

...there was certainly many more...

...than 30!

 

As I neared the A149....

....I stopped to have a 'mardle' to this fine chap...

...who was chopping up wood in his shed...

...and I could see he had a large collection of wood piled up in his yard too..

I was asking him about wood...

...because we've just acquired our new wood burner...

...and after giving me plenty of advice in that area....

...he also told me he was a retained fireman who covered this area....

....so if our burner catches fire....

...I may well meet him again!

 

Once one has managed to cross the A149....

...the rest of the walk just takes you through Stalham town itself.

A perfectly nice town...

...full of perfectly lovely people...

...and that gave me the perfect opportunity....

....to nip into a local cafe for a 'Winter Warmer'....

...of delicious sausage casserole...

...and it was magnificent!

Yum! Yum!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel