Lord Noel Announces Holiday Time!

What ho! Pepys....

Around this time of year....

....(volcanoes permitting)....

....we like to check out what holidays are available on-line....

This year I said I would like to go somewhere warm....

...somewhere that has nice beaches nearby...

...and a free bar.....

I don't think that's much to ask!?

My good Lady wife perused the internet for a goodly while....

....and finally hit on a resort...

...which she says looks "Ideal"...

.....I've had a look at the current brochure...

.....in which it describes the resort's facilities:

...."Relax in our Caribbean pool bar.....

....where our highly skilled barman puts everything he has...

....into each mouth watering mixture he creates..

 

...Duty free can be purchased at our beach-side shop.....

...where we have many well known brands...

...or you can try our locally distilled tipple....

...it's small....
..but it certainly packs a punch!

...Our helpful staff will be wandering amongst you...
...throughout your stay ....

...just waiting to attend to your every need...

...so don't be shy...
...just ask!....

...The main bar is open 24 hours!....

...so, whatever it is you fancy....

....you can have it!...

....any time of the day or night!..

....and if you happen to have any complaints....
....about the service you have received.....

....please discuss them in private over a vodka....
....with Dominic, our friendly facilities manager...

...and remember..
..his sole purpose in life....
....is to make sure you have a good time!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Product Placement

What ho! Pepys.....

I was eavesdropping a discussion between a group of friends about advertising....

...the idea was to use a well known slogan....

...and see if the others could 'Guess the product'....

...(mainly from television advertising)...

The first one started off with an enthusiastic: "Have it your way!".

There were a few blank faces....

...and I certainly didn't have a clue...

...then one youngster piped up with her tentative guess.....

...."Burger King?"

...which was the correct answer!

She then got to chose the next slogan.....

...she thought for a while.....

....and then said "I've got one......'Don't leave home without it'?"

"Visa!" shouted out an older man.....quite correctly..

So he then gave his suggestion......

"I know.....'Where do you want to go today?' " he said smiling.....

Someone suggested 'Vauxhall cars' - which wasn't correct.....

...someone else ventured 'Virgin Railway?'.....

...which was also incorrect....

"Microsoft!" came the correct answer from a middle aged woman....

....who then suggested her own slogan.....

....'Just do it!' she said....

....and straight away a young chap shouted out.....

...."My Mum!"

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says 'Don't Burn It - Learn From It!'

Whatto! Peeps...

Those of you with an interest in ladies apparel will be thrilled to discover that the well known bra manufacturers 'Triumph' (didn't they used to make motorbikes?)...

..have come up with yet another new bra.....

.....this one is a bra........that grows rice.

Yes!...."At last!" I hear you cry.....

Well this bra features pots instead of cups, and a plastic water hose with seedlings acting as a belt.

It even comes with a pair of detachable gloves....

....so it's extremely practical.......

The grow-your-own bra was created to raise awareness of food self-sufficiency, allowing the wearer to cultivate rice any time, anywhere.

Yoshiko Masuda, of Triumph, said: "Over the last year, young Japanese women have taken a tremendous interest in agriculture.....

....we wanted other women to experience farming as well. That's what inspired this bra."

Triumph Japan has a reputation for making "gimmick" underwear (No! Really?)......

.....that conveys a serious 'political message'.

Hence why last year, Triumph made a bra that featured food bowls around the cups, allowing busy women to eat on the go!

....and the year before that....

...a solar powered bra!

Not to be outdone....

...I am putting forward some unique and thought-provoking designs of my own!

Like my 'Goldfish bra'....

...ideal for taking your goldfish for a walk!

...or my equally controversial 'Bacon bra'.....

...so that women everywhere can be safe in the knowledge that food is never far away!

But I don't think any of these will catch on as quickly as the totally munchable....

....sweety bra!

Wallop! YumYum!

& Tallyho! 

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Loves Eye Toons

What ho! Visually Orientated Pepys.......

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Has Decisions Decisions

What ho! Pepys....

Many local people chose to write to me....

....here's another a letter I have just received...

"Dear Lord Noel......

I was recently faced with a curious situation.......

I was driving along in my car...

.....and the weather was very typically British...

...absolutely appalling!....

......and as I was passing a bus stop, I saw three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looked as if she was about to die.

2. An old friend who had once saved my life.

3. The perfect partner I'd been dreaming about all my life!

Which one should I offer a lift to?.....

..... knowing that there could only be one passenger in my car?

I knew I should pick up the old lady, because she was going to die, so I should save her first; or I could take my old friend because they once saved my life - and this would be the perfect chance to pay them back. However..... I may never be able to find my perfect dream partner again!....

...I was faced with a rather odd dilemma....

....and momentarily confused...

But.....I finally decided on my solution.....

.....I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let them take the old lady to the hospital....

....and I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams!

I wonder what you would have done?

Yours sincerely

Arnold Crusticrotch"

And here's my reply......

"Dear Arnold,

You sound like quite a bright chappie.....

...have you ever thought of getting yourself a larger car?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel"

Lord Noel Tells A Fairy Story

What ho! Pepys...

I was in a local pub chatting to the Landlord.....

....and he told me "The Shortest fairy tale ever!"....

...it went like this:

"One upon a time this chap asked this lady 'Will you marry me?'......

....and she said 'No!'...

....and so the chap went fishing....

....and watched football....

....and played golf....

....and got drunk whenever he fancied....

...and watched loads of porn....

....and he had tons of money in the bank....

....and he never worried about being tidy or leaving the toilet seat up....

....and he rode motorbikes and farted whenever he wanted.

....and he lived happily ever after...

The end!"

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Is Feeling Light Headed

What ho! Pepys....

Are you someone who suffers from time to time....

....from light-headedness?

Well now you can take comfort from the fact that.... 

....there are many other people like you.....

...and they are so easy to spot!

Just look for these tell-tale signs:

A light-headed friend of mine had to go to a garage with her BMW because it wasn't running right.....

The mechanic lifted the bonnet and made a few rudimentary checks before wiping the oil orf his hands, sighing, and saying "Well...now I know what the trouble is...."

"Really?" she replied excitedly..."What?"...

"Crap in your carburetor!" he diagnosed confidently....

...to which she replied "And how often do I have to do that?"

When she got home her husband had bought her two lovely dogs for her birthday....

....(as an added security measure when he was working away from home)....

..."Ooh! How lovely!" she exclaimed as they came bounding up to her "I'll call them Timex and Rolex!"....

"Why?" her husband asked quizzically....

....she stood up proudly and explained "Because they're watch dogs!"

I was on a plane with her once...

...trying to get her involved in a quiz game idea that I'd had.....

...she was really very tired and said she would prefer to sleep but I persisted and persisted....

...and finally I got her full attention when I suggested that if I didn't know the answer to a question I would pay her £100 and if she didn't know the answer to a question she had to pay me £5!...

(So confident was I of my mental prowess!)

She reluctantly sat up and said "Okay! Me first!".....

...then launched into her first question.....

"What starts it's life going up a hill on three legs and comes down on four?"...

....then she promptly turned around and fell fast asleep!

I wasn't aware of this particular puzzle and felt a bit shocked that my vast intellect had been thrown into confusion on the very first question!

Not wishing to be beaten, I scoured the internet on my phone to try to find the answer....

....I even went orf to the cabin staff to find out if they knew!

After several hours of fruitless enquiry I had to reluctantly admit to myself that I was stumped!

....and by a bally light-headed person!

I waited until she finally woke up and rather sheepishly admitted to her "I'm sorry....but I don't know the answer to your question".....

....and I dug deep into my wallet to furnish her with the £100 I'd promised.....

...she smiled and began counting the cash in her hand...

...then, as my curiousity got the better of me, I just had to ask her "So what starts it's life going up a hill on three legs and comes down on four?"...

....and as I watched and listened attentively....

...she handed me a carefully peeled orf £5 note from the bundle I'd just given her!

Never underestimate the light headed!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Phoning a friend

What ho! Pepys....

A very good Indian friend of ours named Mujibar......

.....told us that he was recently trying to get a job in India ...

....which is not an easy propect at the best of times! 

 

He was very excited about the idea of finally being employed by a 'Reputable Company'....

....and he told us a little about the interview process he had undertaken.

Apparently the Personnel  Manager firstly gave him an aptitude test....

.....and then checked his references.....

(which were obviously completely admirable since they included myself and Lady Jacqueline)

....then the Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.....

If you pass it, then you're completely qualified for this job.' 

 

Needless to say at this point Mujibar was positively glowing with excitement....

....and after taking a deep breath, muttered excitedly, 'I am ready!' 

 

The manager said, 'I want you to make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green ..' 

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and finally said,  

'Mister manager, I am now ready.' 

 

The manager said,  'Ok Mujibar.....Go ahead.' 

 

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes 'green, green', and I 'pink' it up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar.' 

Mujibar now works at a well known call centre....

....and has since gone on to become 'Employee of the Month'! 

He's a lovely chap!

No doubt you've spoken to him.

I know I have.........

He sent us a lovely photo of himself at work.........

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Has Compoota Naalidge

Whatto! Peeps...

Here in the countryside we pride ourselves on being 'in touch' with nature.....
....but sometimes we have to forego some of the so called 'pleasures' of modern life.
One such pleasure is alledgedly the 'Computer'.....
....most of our village has yet to be connected to the Internet!
I am lucky enough to have had a line installed.....
.....but for the rest of the locals....
....the world of computers is still somewhat alien to them...
...for example....here are a few well known 'Computer terms'......
....with their corresponding local interpretations:

COMPUTER TERMS - VILLAGE TRANSLATION:

LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter.

LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.

DOWNLOAD: Get the fyrwood off the truck

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood off the truck

FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha get from tryin to carry too much fyrwood

RAM: A male sheep

HARD DRIVE: Tryin to get home in the winter time

PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time

WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside

BYTE: What them mozzie flies do

CHIP: What ya have wif yer fish

MICRO CHIP: One what's left in the bottom of the frying pan

MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX: Old Bob Matrix's wife

LAP TOP: Where the cat sleeps

KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the blasted tractor keys


HARDWARE: Useful stuff- like hammers 'n' nails

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn

MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole


MAIN FRAME: What holds up the barn roof

SOFTWARE: Sissy clothes - like clean underpants

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Lording It

What ho! Pepys.....

Being a Lord obviously makes me a fascinating person to be with.....

....and occasionally it means that I get to hang about with other Lords.....

....some of whom, are almost equally as fascinating.

I remember a very good friend of mine, Lord Marmaduke Hussey (who used to be in charge of the Beeb)....

....who told me about a conversation he'd had with a young Lady who introduced herself to him as "a TRUE Hussey"........

...well he certainly hadn't met her before....

....and he couldn't see any obviously family resemblance....

....so he engaged in light conversation with her....

...in an effort to discover her 'roots'.....

.....and, in order to uncover her family lineage, he asked this dear Lady which men in her life she would remember most.....

She mulled over the question for a few moments then, rather surprisingly said "Yes! I've got it......there are actually seven Men who I will  remember most"....

"Pray tell - my dear!" encouraged Lord Hussey, setting out on his voyage of discovery....

..and she continued...."Well...they are....

...my Doctor, Dentist, Hairdresser, Milkman, my Interior Decorator, my Stock Broker, and my Banker!"

"What a curious list!" Lord Hussey remarked....

..."So what is it about these men that will make you remember them?" he enquired.....

"It's just because of the interesting things they have said to me" she teased....

....giggling in a very intelligent manner..

....and toying with her lovely long blonde locks in the way that they recommend at MENSA.......

"Such as?"...he persisted bravely

"Well...." she began.....

1. MY DOCTOR: because he says, "Take your clothes off."

2. MY DENTIST: because he says, "Open wide."

3. MY HAIRDRESSER: because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?".

4. MY MILKMAN: because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"

5. MY INTERIOR DECORATOR: because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"

6. MY STOCK BROKER: because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while, and then slowly  fall back again."

7. And MY BANKER: because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

And it was at this point that he could confirm that she was indeed...a true Hussey!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Interesting Banking

What ho! Oz and NZ ers....

Occasionally Banks (you know....those institutions that pretend to look after your money and then have to be saved from Bankruptcy by us?).......

.....well....they like to give out advice to Customers on how to manage their finances.....

Their latest advice is apparently:
"If you are a credit card holder.....be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die"...

....allow me to explain.....

 A lady died this past January, and ANZ (Australian & New Zealand) bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

 A family member made a telephone call to the ANZ Bank 'helpline':

 Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

 ANZ:
'The account was never closed so the late fees and charges still apply.'

 Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to your 'collections' department?'

 ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

 Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

 ANZ:
'Either report her to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

 Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

 ANZ:
'Excuse me?'

 Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you …the part about her being dead?'

 ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
 

(Supervisor gets on the phone)
 Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

 ANZ:
'The account was never closed so the late fees and charges still apply.'

 Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

 ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

 Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
 (Lawyer info given)

 ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

 Family Member:
'Sure.'
 ( fax number is given )

 After they get the fax:

 ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

 Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

 ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

 Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

 ANZ:
'That might help.'

 Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney, Plot Number 1049.'

 ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

 Family Member:
'Well, what the f*** do you do with dead people on your planet?'
  

Ahhhh!....another satisfied customer....

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel