Lord Noel On Tricketty Treats

Whatto! Halloween Fancy dressers......

Last year I decided to celebrate Halloween by going out 'on the razz'......

....dressed as Count Dracula.......

...yes I fancied a different 'Title' for the night......

Anyway......

....I entered into a bit of a pub crawl......

.....and much intoxication was embibed by the entire group of revellers I had become a part of.

Eventually I decided to call it a night.

I stumbled home quite happily.......

....but decided to take a shortcut through the towns graveyard.

I bumbled past a couple of really old gravestones.....

...when suddenly I was hit on the shoulder...........

.....by a sausage roll!

I was rather shocked.......

......but even after looking around.....

....I couldn't see who the culprit was.

I shrugged my caped shoulders and wandered onwards.......

.....when once again, I was hit.....

..this time on the back.

I swung around immediately in the dimly lit graveyard.....

....but there was no-one there.

At my feet.....

...lay a small triagular ham sandwich.....

....with it's meaty filling gruesomely sliding out from between the slices of curly white bread.

Clearly....something strange was going on.....

....so I decided to stumble onwards toward some distant street lights.....

....in a feeble attempt to rejoin civilisation.

Suddenly a dark figure loomed up from behind a massive tombstone to one side of me.....

....and I caught a glimpse of its hand......

....and saw that it was clutching.....

....a cocktail stick!

I only had a moment to yell out "What the f...!"....

....when the evil figure leapt towards me with its arm outstretched.......

....and I felt the sharp end of the cocktail stick pierce the skin on my chest!

I yelped in pain...and shock......

....and ran as fast as my legs would carry me towards the nearby street.

And as I ran I heard a voice somewhere behind me cry out....

..."Lord Noel!......I'm so sorry!.....Come back!" ......

.....and I slowed to a stop and looked back into the darkness.....

...."Who the Hell are you?"...I yelled.

To which the dark stranger announced....

"I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!

Tallyho!

Have you ever slayed an evil being from another time dimension using an ordinary household implement?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Says Take It Away

What to! Old Folks..... 

Dorothy Densmore, of Charlotte, North Carolina, is an 86-year-old woman......

....who is 5ft tall and weighs seven stone.

She rang her local Pizza Parlour to order a Pizza......

......but during the telephone conversation.......

....someone at the shop called her a "crazy old coot".

That made Dorothy angry.

And becuase she was angry (and hungry).....

....she naturally did .....

...what most old people would do......

.....in exactly the same situation.....

.....she rang the Police.

She rang them quite a few times......

....twenty times in thirty eight minutes to be exact......

....demanding that Police immediately arrest the Pizza Proprietors.

Unfortunately for Dorothy.....

...the Police didn't appreciate her calls for action......

....and they decided to visit her at her home.

But by the time they arrived......

....Dorothys temper had gone beyond the point of 'no return'.

The fiery octogenarian launched herself at Police Officers.....

....scratching....

....kicking.....

....and biting the hand of the Officer.

Dorothy was then arrested for making the 911 calls and resisting arrest......

.....and taken to the local Police station.....

....where she was given......

....a nice meal....yes...

PIZZA!

Tallyho!

Have you ever been arrested by Police for a food-related incident?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Knows What You're Driving At

Whatto! Motorists......

As we bask in the unseasonal warmth of our 'Indian Summer'.....

....some parts of Europe haven't been quite so sunny.

Fritz.....(a motorist in the small town of Guetersloh, Germany) ....

.....was negotiating a particulary dense fog recently......

......guiding his car along at a snail's pace.....

....because the visability was so dreadful.

He decided that the safest place to be.......

....in thick fog like this......

.....was in the middle of the road.....

....with his head poking out of the drivers window......

....to try to see anything that might be approaching...

....through this gloomy pea-souper.

Apparently........

...Fritz then received a severe blow on the head.......

.....from something that he hadn't seen.

It was the head of another motorist......

....who was approaching him from the opposite direction......

....with HIS head out of the window in exactly the same way.

Both men were hospitalised with severe head injuries.....

......But their cars weren't damaged at all.

 

Tallyho!

Have you ever had a 'snails-pace' accident involving your head?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Standing Up For Art Restoration

Whatto! Art lovers.....

I am someone who fervently believes in the use of modern technology for the betterment of mankind......

....and womenkind.....

...and every other kind.

So I was very interested to read that an Art Restorer at the Louvre recently came across a stimulating discovery.......

....whilst cleaning a 17th-century canvas.....

....by the French artist Nicolas Poussin.

You may well already be familiar with Poussin’s huge canvas entitled "Hymenaios Disguised as a Woman During an Offering to Priapus" (1634-38).

The Brazilian conservator Regina Pinto Moreira uncovered none other .......

.....than the fertility god’s surprise 'package'....

.... which had been concealed by centuries of dirt and paint. 

Speaking to the São Paulo press, Moreira said she suspects conservative Catholic critics made a later artist cover up the offending member in the 18th century......

Thus concealing signs from the previously popular Paganist Practices.....

....which idolised the male membership.

"They hid the phallus of Priapus!" she said.........

......."It's what we call adjustment for modesty........ 

......and in History it's not uncommon." 

The painting, now proudly restored to all its former glory.....

.... is currently being exposed to the public......

.....at Museu de Arte de São Paulo.

Tallyho!

What embarrassing body part  have you recently revealed whilst cleaning a work of Art?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Believes U Is Wot U Eatz

Whatto! Nutritionists.....

We are often advised to eat more fruit and vegetables......

....and are told that they are 'good for us'....

....but where's the proof?

We need REAL evidence from a leading Public figure ........

....someone who we admire......

.....and even lust after......

....someone like the beautiful Cheryl Cole......

.....who is currently celebrating her success in life....

....with her Number 1 single in the charts.....

....a lucrative contract with a well known hair product company.....

.....and a place at the Judges 'Top Table' on the hugely popular X Factor.

If I was going to follow someones example on looking good....

....it would be someone like HER!

So what does Cheryl have to say about diet?

...and more importantly....

...what does SHE eat?..

..that makes her look soooo good?

Well.....

...in this weekends news she revealed that she lived in an ordinary house in Newcastle....

...(that much I knew).....

....that her brother was addicted to glue sniffing.....

....(maybe THAT's the answer?....to have the faint whiff of glue in the background of ones life?)

....that she was in an abusive relationship with a drug addict....

....(Aha! Maybe it's HEROIN!?.....that old 'keep you skinny' food supplement?)

.....she wore old clothes and had toys that were secondhand from neighbours....

...(so obviously not spoiled or overindulged as a child)....

Apparently at one point....she was so hard up.....

....that she had to live in tiny shorts and a top like this!

.....but what did she EAT?..

...come on!..

..Spill the beans!

Well apparently it was just that.....

....BEANS!

So does that count as a vegetable?

...it is a Bean after all?.....

Meanwhile Nutritionists of the world UNITE.....

...stop peddling the boring old 'fruit and greens' mantra.....

...and get up and jiggy with the times innit?!.....

(I am reliably informed that that is proper 'street' talk)

Personally.......

...I know a good thing when I see it....

.....and I shall be eating many more beans.....

....and I shall be perfectly safe.....

....as long as I can get Lady Jacqueline to stop smoking anywhere near me.

Tallyho!

What single food item have you lived on for more than a year?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Thinks If A Job's Worth Doing....

Whatto! Powerful Ones...

Some people...

..because of their total dedication 

to their career..

...have added 'Extra Value' to their 

roles within Society.

They've learnt all the 'Rules & Regulations' 

associated with their particular job.....

....and apply them all with great rigidity...

...never ever swaying from 

the 'Letter of the Law'..... 

.....and getting a great feeling of 

prestige and power....

....bestowed upon them in the process.

But only.. 

...whilst at work. 

They can wreak their vengence on innocent 

members of the public....

....just by carrying out their 'job description' ....

....in exact detail.
Following a crash... a man was being 

put into an ambulance...

...with a broken leg..

....he was presented with a £100 [$182USD] Ticket

for his lack of driving skills. 
Likewise a man in Lancashire, UK who collapsed 

and died from a heart attack 

in the cab of his lorry..

..was given a £60 [$109USD] ticket 
Another man who returned from a holiday 

in Australia 

found that double yellow lines 
had been painted up to his parked car...

.... and he had received a £80 parking fine. 

Another man stopped his car in order to 

re-attach his false leg.....

...and although the car displayed 

a disabled sticker

..he still received a £50 [$91USD] 

parking penalty. 

Such dilegence and attention to detail!

Another man, parked on double yellow lines, 

was given a £40 [$72USD] ticket as 
he tended to his wife who was 

having a heart attack...... 
A hearse also received a ticket 

when it parked outside a house where it was 
collecting a coffin in Kent, UK. 

As a variation from traffic wardens, 

wheel clampers have to be somewhere near 
the top of the same 'list' of powerful officials. 

One company even demanded a woman motorist's 

gold tooth as payment....

.... because she wasn’t able to pay 

the release fee immediately.
The BBC was also famous for 

a particular Security Officer......

....who was on duty at Broadcasting House 

when King Haakon of Norway 
appeared at the security desk..

(I know him well....spendid chap) 

The King gave his name and told him 

that he was due to participate

in a programme in studio 6. 

The Security Officer went to ring the studio... 

A moment later he put his hand over the phone 

and called out, 
"Excuse me, Sir, 

where was it you said you was King of?" 

Even Agatha Christie wasn't immune 

from the power of officialdom.

When she attended 

a Foyles literary luncheon. 

The doorman asked her 

for her invitation.....

...and refused to admit her 

when she couldn’t produce it. 

She didn't make any fuss..

.. but just went home. 

I would have loved to have seen 

the resulting panic..

.. as the literati looked around for 

their 'guest of honour'. 

Tallyho!

What fun have you managed to extract from your dull existence by being a 'jobsworth'?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse 

Lord Noel Says "Monarchs!"

Whatto! Britishers.....

Our beautiful Queen Elizabeth.....
.... (the Second most beautiful Elizabeth).....
.....God Bless Her!.........

.......recently said that she was concerned about the rise in interest being shown by the populace in the British National Party...........

.....which has resulted in their improved showing in the polls.

As far as she's concerned there seems to be some "rascally behaviour" going on.   
In fact......she was so concerned.........

....that she paid for some research to be done by a Major Consultancy Firm.........

....."Just so one can find out what is going on." 

A couple of months later.....

...the Consultants filed their report to her and it said:

'Yes, things are quite bad in Britain; 95% of the people are misbehaving and only 5% are not."   

The Queen (our wonderful Monarch) thought for a moment and then said............ 

.....'Maybe one had better send for another Consultancy to get one another opinion.'   

So the lovely Queen of all of Great Britain (and a number of other delightful but slightly smaller places)......

.....had one of her Courtiers call another Consultant...........

.....and out the Consultant went.......

.....onto the streets of these fair isles.....

....with his trusty clipboard in his hand.  

And when the second Consultant returned his report it said....

....'Yes, it's true. Britain is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.' 

The Queen was, understandably, not best pleased........

"One is not best pleased" she said......

....(to anyone privileged enough to live - or be crawling - within earshot of her).

So............

.....after giving the situation some further thought.......
...and being the true leader that she so undoubtably is....

....she made a decision about what one should do......

.....and she decided that one should e-mail the 5% that were good.........

..... because "One wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.."  

And do you know what the e-mail said?

No.......

We didn't get one either!

Tallyho!

What would you like an email from Queen Liz to say to you?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel With A Job To Do

Whatto! Workmen.....

When I went for a stroll in the afternoon sunshine yesterday.......

I happened across two chaps......

....working in a nearby field.

There's really nothing I enjoy more.....

....than watching people.....

....as they work.

I could see that they were from the Council......

....they had Council jackets on .......

.....and a nearby van with Council logos along it's sides.

One of the chaps was digging holes............

I watched interestedly as he dug, dug, dug.

The other chap came along behind him........

....and he had a spade too.........

....and I watched as he filled up the hole.........

....fill, fill, fill. 

 

I saw that Doug & Phil worked continuously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

I observed in admiration in the warm sunshine........

....unable to believe how hard they were working.........

....but the longer I looked.........

....the more I couldn't understand what they were doing. 

Finally I had to ask them.

I said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you're working here......

....but what exactly are you doing?"

"Oh Hello Lord Noel" said Doug as he leant on his spade for a moment to talk to me.....

"I'm digging holes...."

"Oh yes?" I replied - continuing with my line of questioning.......

"I saw you dig a hole and then your partner comes behind you........

......and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, it must look funny alright............ 

....but the bloke who plants the trees.....

....is sick today." 

Tallyho!

What pointless task have you been involved in recently?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse 

Lord Noel Reviews The Ant

What ho! Nature lovers......

I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning.....

And when he reached the top.......

..... his weight bent the blade down to the ground.

Then........ twisting his thorax with insectile precision.......

.... he grabbed hold of the next blade.

In this manner......

.... he traveled across the lawn.......

..... covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally......

.... which amused and delighted me.

And then..........

....all at once......

...... I had what is sometimes known as........

.....an "epiphany"

It was a moment of heightened awareness.....

..... in which everything became clear.

Yes, hunched over on the lawn..........

....watching that ant.....

..... on my hands and knees.......

.......I suddenly knew.....

....what I had to do....

..... stop drinking and go to bed!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Notices Crumbs!

What ho! Dunkers...

The British people love their biscuits.

Yet biscuits also have a darker side to them...

...and by that we don't mean a plain chocolate coating...

According to The Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation (or B.I.T.E.)...

...more than half of all Britons - thats around 25,000,000 - have been INJURED whilst enjoying biscuits! 

500 of them have even landed up in hospital!

Injuries range from being scalded by the hot tea or coffee whilst 'dunking'...

....to breaking a tooth while eating biscuits.
Going to the hospital emergency room for a "biscuit injury" has got to be embarrassing......
And apparently the deadliest biscuit of them all...

...is the custard cream. 

Exhibit A

These biscuits were found to be the 'worst offenders'...

....in a table of 15 generic types of biscuit whose potential dangers were calculated by The Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation.
Custard creams get a risk rating of 5.63..

 compared to 1.16 for Jaffa cakes..

(which was to be the safest biscuit of all).
Research company Mindlab International was commissioned by Rocky, a chocolate biscuit bar, to conduct the research.  

Mindlab International director Dr. David Lewis said: "We tested the physical properties of 15 popular types of biscuits, along with aspects of their consumption such as 'dunkability' and crumb dispersal."

Neville tried the High Carb diet for two months before he died

(Ps. If there are any vacancies......this is exactly the sort of job I require)

It found almost a third of adults said they had been splashed or scalded by hot drinks while dunking or trying to fish the remnants of a collapsed biscuit from the tea or coffee cup.
The BITE  also revealed 28 per cent had choked on crumbs while one in 10 had broken a tooth or filling biting a biscuit.
BITE also found some odd biscuit injuries reported:  

3% had:

"poked themselves in the eye with a biscuit"

7% had:

"been bitten by a pet or 'other wild animal' whilst trying to get to their biscuit". 

(I wonder if "other wild animal" includes husbands?)

Have you ever injured yourself with a food item?

(Please supply photo)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's Blinking Fashion Page

Whatto! Fashion Designers........

I'm always intrigued by fashion shows.....

....because of the more outrageous styles that get paraded around on the catwalk......

But it's also nice to see something new......

....being created from the humble denim jean.

You looking at my ass?

These designs are called 'Winkers'.....

....and the design is placed just below the buttock areas....

So that the natural creasing of the material in that region......

....creates the effect of beaks opening and closing.....

....or eyes winking....

Look at the twit twho's put these on

I shan't be wearing them - I'd look like a right Winker.

Here's looking at you kid!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's New Moons

What ho! Bored people.......

When I have a few moments to spare in my already overcrowded schedule......
One of the things I NEVER think to do.......
.....is to expose my posterior to passing trains.
Apparently a yearly event named 'Amtrax Day' takes place in the USofA......
....where everyone involved.... lines up beside the track......
....and flash their rears to the unsuspecting train driver.....
...as he - in turn - 'flashes' past......
....at 100 mph.

It's long been recognised as a sign of disdain.....
....even in the animal kingdom......
....one does this to show utter contempt for the person (or creature) watching on in amazement.
A 22-year-old German journalism student was recently upset......
......when staff on a double-decker train forced him off in a place called Lauenbrueck......
.....for travelling without a ticket.
"The yound man was so incensed by the way he'd been treated..........
....that he instinctively shoved his backside against the window of the departing train" - a spokesman for police in the northern city of Bremen told reporters.

While the young man, who was not named, was showing railway staff his best side.......
.....his trousers got caught in the carriage door of the departing train.........
......and he ended up being dragged half naked along the platform for about 200 metres..........
..... out of the station and onto the tracks....
.....all the while managing to keep his legs away from the wheels of the train.
His ordeal ended when a passenger pulled the emergency brake.
Rescues services were called in, causing rail services between Bremen and Hamburg to be suspended for over an hour, delaying 23 trains.

The man -- unharmed except for cuts and bruises -- now faces charges of dangerous interference in rail transport, insulting the train staff, and may face sizeable a compensation claim for the delays he caused, said police.

"It's a miracle he wasn't badly hurt," said the police spokesman. "This sort of thing can end up killing you."
"He was full of remorse when I talked to him," the spokesman said. "And he advised others not to try the same thing."


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's Efficiency Expert

What ho! Experts......

We had an compulsive 'Efficiency Expert' around for tea at Virtual Manor......

.....and he seemed to be able to see 'Efficiency Savings' EVERYWHERE!

How we ran our daily routine.....

......how we moved around the Manor.....

....how much time we spent doing things......

...like playing the piano......

....how long we spent in each area of the property.....

...it really was an 'eye opener' for us both.

The efficiency expert concluded his advice.......

....with suggestions on how we could be more Efficient.........

.....in the areas of meal and drink preparation.

"Oh I have already dealt with that area" I responded

"Really?" he queried

"Oh Yes" I replied "I spent hours watching my wife's routine at breakfast"

....."and I noticed that she made lots of trips to the refrigerator, Aga, table and
cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time."

"Yes! Yes!" he interjected excitedly

"Yes!" I continued.....

...."and so I suggested to her......

.....'Darling....why don't you try carrying SEVERAL things at once?'.....

....in an effort to improve your efficiency"

"Brilliant!" exclaimed the 'Expert'......"And did it save time?"

"Actually, yes!" I replied...

"It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready...

..... Now I do it in seven."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Summarises The Ig Nobel Awards

What ho! Prizewinners..

Around this time of year......

....some eyes focus on the Annual Award ceremony .....

....which is the 'Ig' Nobel Awards.

These 'Ig Nobel' awards, nominated by the staff at Harvard University's Annals of Improbable Research and voted on by real Nobel Prize laureates, recently held is awards ceremony.

The Igs, as the awards are affectionately called, are an irreverent celebrations of real research that "cannot, or should not, be repeated".

This year, Igs recipients were allowed no more than 60 seconds to deliver their acceptance speech.......

...(a time limit enforced by an eight-year-old girl).

AND THE WINNERS ARE:

Switzerland 

Stephan Bolliger and colleagues at the University of Bern won the not-so-coveted Peache Prize for research on whether it is better to be smashed over the head with a full beer bottle or an empty one.

"Empty beer bottles are sturdier than full ones," the researchers reported......

"However, both full and empty bottles are theoretically capable of fracturing the human neurocranium."

Facinating!

America

Elena Bodnar of Hinsdale, Illinois, was award the Public Health prize for patenting a bra that, in an emergency, can be converted into a pair of gas masks, one for the owner and one for a needy bystander.

"It was inspired by the Chernobyl nuclear accident," said Bodnar, who is originally from Ukraine.

"This way, the mask is always readily available." 

Mexico

For Ig Nobel Chemistry -  to Javier Morales and two colleagues at the National University of Mexico for turning the national drink, tequila, into diamonds!

Yes! Thin films of diamond were produced by heating 80%-proof tequila blanco in a pressure vessel.

The man's a GENIUS!

But can he turn diamonds into Tequila?

The U.S 

...struck gold again when Donald Unger, a doctor in Thousand Oaks, California, won the Medicine Prize for cracking the knuckles of his left hand, but never those on his right, every day for 60 years to investigate whether it caused arthritis. Unger, now 83, told reporters: "After 60 years, I looked at my knuckles and there's not the slightest sign of arthritis.

I looked up to the heavens and said: 'Mother, you were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong'."

(She would have been so proud.)

Some very agreeable Japanese telephones

Japan

walked away with the Biology Prize for research by Fumiaki Taguchi, Song Guofu and Zhang Guanglei, of the  Kitasato University graduate school of medical sciences, for demonstrating that kitchen waste can be reduced by more than 90% by using bacteria extracted from giant panda excrement.

Taguchi suspected panda feces must contain bacteria capable of breaking down even the hardiest of foods because of the bear's vast consumption of bamboo.

Ireland

...is noted for its writers and poets, so it's no surprise to that the entire police force of Ireland won the Literature Prize for issuing more than 50 penalties to a man they supposed to be the most persistent driving offender in the country: a Mr. Prawo Jazdy........

...whose name in Polish means.....

"driver's license".

Icelanders

...will probably not be thrilled that the Ig Nobel's Economics Prize went to the directors, executives and auditors of four Icelandic banks: Kaupthing bank, Landsbanki, Glitnir bank and Central Bank of Iceland, "for demonstrating that tiny banks can be rapidly transformed into huge banks, and vice versa -- and for demonstrating that similar things can be done to an entire national economy".

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse