Lord Noel Speaks Of Food

What ho! everyone again!

Just thought I'd rattle on about our old friend - food!

There are many restaurants in the world which I have had the misfortune to visit and some that are so elegant in their attire with a splendid ambiance to boot that I would happily refrequent their subdued interiors.

Here's my latest find - a little place in London offering fine cuisine at wonderfully inflated prices - and most importantly (in my view) - NO riffraff!!

They also have a resident photographer who is more than willing to record your evening for posterity - and photograph each course as it arrives!

(This one arrived on a small tricycle!)

The flavours were powerful and immediate - like a massive explosion going off on the tip of the tongue................

(Having eaten this particular dish I can offer you some advice on how to contend with the flavour of 'explosions going off on the tip of the tongue' - and thats to have a bloody big fire extinguisher nearby!)

I should admit (before we go any further) to having an unusual hereditary eating disorder!

This would rapidly become apparent - were we to be seated near to each other in a restaurant!

............but I simply LOVE FOOD!!

Of course I normally recognise food when it arrives - it's the stuff on the round things that the waiter keeps bringing to our table!

There are times when I simply cannot eat any more and in true generous style (which I should add here without reservation - is my 'second' nature) ..........I offer other assembled guests a sample of the food ......from myself!

This allows the throng to bond properly as a group and satisfies my own deep seated maternal urge that so many men these days fight shy of.......

Here you can see excited fellow diners gathering to feast on my offering of left-over creme brulee!

Until another ravishing course of splendid encumbance arrives and we each envelope its sumptuous flavours on our excited palates!

Is there no end to this madness?

Some flavours (I find) cannot be recreated by mere chefs and have to be found by a voyage of experimentation that can become both dangerous and courageous..............

Just as a great cook tries adding and subtracting spices and herbs to change the flavour of a great dish - I find myself searching out unique and powerful flavours of my own!

Soon after this photograph was taken I was given a sedative and the poor lady whose foot I had lunged at was given a Brandy and my telephone number...........

Some tastes simply cannot be replicated using ordinary foodstuffs and one has to take the leap into uncertainty and trust completely ones senses as our subconscious desire for true flavour takes over!

Take for example the humble sea-food paella............. there are many discourses on this particularly fine dish - extolling the hidden virtues of each ingredient.

The noted food critics take time and effort to describe in detail the subtle nuances that mingle on the tongue with such abandon............

To me............... it tastes like the rare and wonderful Fannyfish!

......... and I adore it!

Sometimes I have been known to get completely carried away with the dining experience and have to be calmed down before the next course is brought to the table.......

Why even Lady Jacqueline herself has a tried and trusted method for momentarily subduing my nourishmental desires......

She calls it the 'Finger in the mouth' method!

......... and it seems to work very well!

(If you are thinking of adopting this particular method I should advise you that it is important to know exactly where the finger has been immediately prior to insertion)

Sometimes eating is just a chance to gorge oneself completely!

Its at times like this that I tend to shout out "My names Mister Creosote! - Pass me the after eight mints!"

So Ladies and Gentlemen I would like to propose a toast!..............

".......TO FOOD"

................"and the way it plays with our mouths and minds!"

Tallyho everyone!!

Best wishes - Lord Noel!

Lord Noel Buggers Orf!

What ho!

Around this time of year - when the sun seems to permanently disappear somewhere behind a grey mass of clouds - it's nice to let the old grey matter stray to times gone by when it was Summer once more!

In particular my mind strolled through our sojourn in Cuba.

It's a lovely place - the people are friendly and they speak Spanish too!

(Did I mention the Latino women too? ............... well perhaps later!)

Anyway - there's loads of sun and blue water and cheap rum too............

And not a single American in sight! (unless you include Canadians - but they try to kill you if you do)

Transportation is fairly basic - but very friendly - and great for the environment too!

After a hard day in the saddle its always nice to rest one's posterior region within some warm bubbling water whilst being served chilled champagne (with a tot of rum on the side)

It's also a great place to meet people - ...............my mind is filled to busting with many many fond jacuzzi memories mmmmmmmmmmm .....................

........involving ................ some wonderfully attractive people (myself and Lady J included - naturally..........)

Then one finds one simply cannot visit this region without sampling the local wares - "Latino women!" I hear you shout

- well yes - (sort of) ........ for I speak of the world renown Cuban cigar!! ..................rolled tenderly on the bare thighs of wonderfully tanned women who take on the aroma of fresh tobacco and rum as they smile and offer you their cigar shaped offerings........... (starting to sound a bit like Thailand?)

Most bars sell a selection of fine Havana cigars with a wide variety of flavours to suit any palate and a bar means more rum and cuba libres and the odd mohjito with fresh mint leaves (made famous by the author Earnest Hemingway).

Then ............... as the morning sun rises once more - you take a slow, gentle taxi home while you recover your composure and look forward to the rums to come!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah................ memories!

Pass the suncream someone!

Tallyho everyone!

(.......and roll on holiday time!!)

Lord Noel's Nuits Des Dechets

Hello everyone ...... and WELCOME!!

Every so often we invite personages of some note over to Virtual Manor to celebrate existence with us in some form or other.

Recently we were honoured with the presence of Countess Vagina Thrushetta and Count Hampton Ginormous on one of our periodic 'Nuits des dechets'.

We began the night in 'time-honoured' fashion with a beautiful rendition of 'She was only the fishmongers daughter - but she'd bend over and shout "fillet"' which was beautifully sung by the Countessa - as only she can.

It certainly brought tears to my eyes!

Shortly afterwards.................. when we had time to properly compose ourselves...............
we entered into the traditional 'Elf look-alike' competition.

I was confident that with my fully rehearsed Gollum - I would wipe the board.

I even had my victory speech ready and waiting for the gathering throng!

But I had severely underestimated the ability of our esteemed guests!

After only a few mere moments gathering her composure - the Countessa luanched into a tirade of Elf speak that would have put any star from the Lord of the Ringpieces to shame.....

I coud only stand and watch........ in utter amazement!

............ as she suddenly transmogrified herself into athe truest Elf one could ever wish for!!!

After that - there was spontaneous celebratory dancing with much grimacing and gesticulating!

During the furore - the Count suddenly produced his family tube and began a repertoir of sounds and noises that were uncanny to the human ear.......... indeed his great grandfather was imprisoned for twenty three months for attempting to do the same thing last century - in much less enlightened times!

Needless to say - the sounds were so lifelike that you could be forgiven for believing that at times there was actually a LION in the room with you!!

Lady jacqueline found this experience both envigorating and terrifying....................

........and after half an hour the Count had to be placated with an elastic band on which to complete a rendition of Latvian folk songs whilst everyone else took vital moments to regain their initial composure!

Then the wonderful Countessa envigiled us all with renditions of her latest poems about 'Sunshine' which included the classic 'The sunniest place I have ever lived was......'

All of which were accepted by the multitude with rapturous applause!

The meal (which is too elaborate to go into here) - and anyway is copyrighted by the excellent chef - (who refused to be photographed) - even when we said 'please! Gordon!!' in our nicest voices........................................

He just told us all to "Fuck Orf!"

(The man in a complete guter snipe - with absolutely NO respect for anyone superior to him - but nonetheless he CAN cook............. so we tolerate his company from time to time!)

The dessert itself was named 'Premature orgasm' and I may say that I had one all to myself!

We then had a surprise Guest appearance from non other than the esteemed televisual comic named 'Harry Hill'.

(Personally I've never heard of him - but he seemed prone to looking on the brighter side of life and had a slightly bizarre 'take' on reality which we all found quite endearing)

We then completed our petite foures which enabled us to savour the delights of the preceding interludes with justificational protuberances.

There then began the gift making ceremony!

Hurrah!

It's a part of the evening I am particluarly fond of and the gueats indulged me (yet again) by making a presentation of a rare Tibetan curse statue - which (it is said) can cure you of the common cold (not that WE would catch such a thing................. Har!)

....... if you are prepared to emulate it for several hours (to capture the true spirit of the object) and then sleep with it under your pillow on a full moon whilst reciting the following incantation:

"Beist that my snoz is fullest to the brim with snotacious fillament - I promise to commit the entire circumferance of my left buttock to the dutiful fairy Raymond in return for the fullest workings of my nasal appendage"

After reaching such a 'High Point' in the proceedings it was a 'fate accompli' that things would be vigorously tranmuted downhill after that!

We danced and sang in Paganic manner until the early hours until every one had fully satiated themselves and collapsed in the Zen room - complete at last!

It was by total accident (as I later told the Court) that I then came acros Harry again - this time squatting over our coveted water closet!

Only now he seems more resigned to see the baser things in life!

He told me (in confidence of course) that he'd never had such a CRUD NIGHT in his entire life!

I was understandably............................... very, very proud!!

Have a lovely time - whatever you're doing!

Trallah from all of us!

Best wishes - Lord Noel