Lord Noel On Xmas Past

Whatto! Pepys...

At this time of year I begin to become nostalgic for the old fashioned style of Xmas that has been romanticised by so many for so long.....
I suppose I am refering to the Victorian era with their beautiful horsedrawn carriages and Gentlemen and Ladies in their amazing outfits and the hot chestnut sellers in the streets surrounded by hungry well wishes and the starving lying amongst the dying homeless children down gin soaked alleyways?
Strange how there always seems to be a darker side to humanity?
Nothing is ever as it seems...
...even family members hold their own strange secrets.
My wife recently discovered, for example, that her great great grandmother was an Irish lady who at the tender age of 14 left Ireland to join a travelling circus as a trapeze artist. Yet somehow fate has connected that lady back through previous generations to the Queen of England herself!
I find that one has to be very careful during Xmas dinner that exactly the right sort of guests are allowed to join m'lady and I for our annual festivities.
For example my wifes Aunt 'Hairy' Mary is an awful guest to have around the dinner table; not only do food stuffs catch in her voluminous beard but it's a devil of a job trying to hear anything she says, as it all comes out muffled - with no chance whatsoever of any of us being able to lip read the poor old girl (if indeed she is a girl and if indeed she has any lips!.

Whereas cousin 'tiny' Tim will always be welcome to the table. Not only is he an extremely interesting dinner guest - knowing a great deal about the various faddy diets that perculate the city at this time of year - but he hardly touches a morsel of food or drink for fear of gaining the merest ounce of weight.
As far as I am concerned Tim will ALWAYS be on the guest list!

Then there's 'Koo Koo' who I am convinced is totally cuckoo! She is from Scandinavia and I'm not sure who she is related to or how she got here - perhaps she flew? She is someone I can tolerate easily enough during the year but would definitely NOT be on the guest list for Xmas dinner! Her dress, movement and eating habits are not something that a mere dining room can contain! If she sees food she scurries across to it - even if it means walking across the table to get to it! And she's always so peckish! NO! Definitely someone to avoid at this time of year...

Adorable Arthur is always welcome - although after a few drinks he is a bit prone to start stripping orf! But there we are - wasn't baby Jesus also naked at this time of year?... so he's in good company! The only thing with Arthur is that he is a tinchy bit accident prone - so we have to make sure that anything sharp is removed from his immediate vicinity and that he has plastic cutlery!

Bill and Ben (from my side of the family) tend to argue quite a lot, especially after a few bottles of champers!... which is fine if you fancy a debate about some topical issue or other but they can suddenly 'team up' and the next thing you find is that BOTH of them are having a go at you and if not in perfect unison then in a relentless tag team of verbosity! So it's impossible to shout them down in the way that bigotted rich people like me simply love to do! The other thing is that although they only take up one chair at the table, they do have exactly twice that number of mouths to feed! So....NO they will not be receiving an invite....

Last but not least, is Milly Pede (again from my side, where generations of inbreeding seem to have taken its toll) who is not only fun to talk to but of small upper frame, thus eating very little and looking, to all and sundry like a perfectly normal Lady 'above the table'. She is however, a terrible flirt and after a few lines of coke will insist on playing footsy with any eligible gentleman within her reach.
She is ALWAYS on the guest list for Xmas!

Tallyho and Happy Xmas to you all!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel