Lord Noel's Xmas Crackers

Whatto! Pepys...

Tom Smith invented crackers as a way of introducing some excitement into an otherwise gaudy table ornament and Tom went on to become the owner of a company which still exists today and very rich man!

Because the cracking noise from the cracker was sooooo exciting they had to put so called 'jokes' inside each one which were designed to calm one down again.

I robustly reject this premise, which may have been relevant in Victorian times but serves no earthly purpose in todays adrenaline sodden society.

So here are my offerings for alternative cracker insertions (jokes) for 2014!

Q: What does a transvestite do for xmas? 

A: Eat, drink and be Mary  

Q:Why can't you smoke in Santa's workshop? 

A: Because you'ld be an elf hazard. 

Q: Son 'Mum can I have a dog for xmas?' 

A. Mum: 'No you'll have a turkey like everyone else' 

Q: What do reindeer put on their xmas trees? 

A: Hornaments 

Q: What do angry mice send each other at xmas? 

A: Cross Mouse cards 

Q: What do you call a snowman on a warm day? 

A: A puddle 

Q: Which athlete is warmest at xmas? 

A: A long jumper 

Q: What do you call a fear of climbing down chimneys? 

A: Santaclaustrophobia 

Q: How do you make Santa cry? 

A: Tweak his sack 

Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman? 

A: Can you smell carrots? 

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 

A: Because it could no longer afford the over inflated fares on public transport!

Q: Why did the Xmas bauble text his ex? 

A: He was totally out of his tree 

Q: Why did Rudolph have dry flaky skin and a red rash around his nose? 

A: He was suffering from Xma-s 

Q: If atheletes get tennis-elbow what do fighter pilots get? 

A: Missile toe 

Q: What did the condiments say to each other during xmas dinner? 

A: Seasons greetings! 

Q: Who tests the toy guitars by singing and playing 'Blue xmas' with them? 

A: Elf-is 

Q: Turkeys always have more feathers on which side? 

A: The outside 

  

Q: What do you get if you eat xmas decorations? 

A: Tinsilitus 

Q: Who secreted messages inside the xmas food? 

A: Mince spies

  

Q: What's the difference between a foot spa and a bad drummer? 

A: A foot spa bucks up the feet

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel