Lord Noel's Dating Service

Whatto! Pepys...

Some of the very well orf people who I circulate with have been telling me recently that they are finding it increasingly difficult to attract a suitable 'life-partner'. Naturally, they asked if I can help them out because of my superb oratory and communication skills.
So I have decided to start a Dating Service for VIP's who deserve to have someone special in their life.

Here's a message from my first Male candidate (who will remain anonymous for obvious reasons):

"Hi! 
I'm a middle eastern guy in my mid thirties who enjoys life and creating things. I have a GSOH and have plenty to say for myself! In the past people loved coming to hear me speak. Yet despite having a legion of followers I just haven't managed to find that 'special one' yet. 
I love books and have been a collaborator and contributor to several quite heavy self-help books. 
I also know one or two great party tricks! I remember this one time we were at a party and they run out of wine, yeah? and this guy asked me if I can help so I did my 'thing' of turning water into wine! Wow! That night really swung! haha! 
I live at home with my Dad (who is so like me - it's almost like we ARE the same person!) haha but now I've become a bit of a loner. It's mainly due to some nasty experiences of the past.
I hit a real low a few years back. I went around telling people I was a God and a King and started seeing Holy Ghosts! I also used to hang around with prostitutes. I'm not proud of my time then and although people must have thought I had some kind of multiple personality disorder I stayed focused on woodworking to take my mind off things. In those days mental conditions weren't recognised as they are today and I turned into a bit of a self-harmer (truth be known) which may have been why I felt so drawn to ill people and in particular blind people and lepers. But I did what I thought was right at the time to help as many people as I could.
This one time I was out in town but got totally humilated. I guess I asked for it because I had been telling everyone again that I was their 'King' and obviously they didn't like it. But that time things got TOTALLY out of hand and I got spat on and grabbed by some soldiers and they dragged me through town and more and more people joined in attacking me. It was totally crazy! The Police did nothing! They just stood back and let the soldiers do what they liked! Anyway in the end they actually nailed me to a piece of wood! Nobody came to help - it was really, really awful! I really don't remember much else about that day - maybe I just blanked it from my memory? 
Anyway - I'm fine now, and I keep telling everyone I'm immortal! haha - but obviously not in a 'Physical' sense. 
Several people I spoke to said I made them see things differently - which was always nice to hear - especially from the blind ones! haha! 
Looking back now I suppose I was on a bit of a mission. I wanted to save people from God who I also believed was ME! Whoah! lol
I had a real thing about Bankers too! Really down on those dudes with all their piles of cash! haha
Anyway - if there's anyone out there who thinks they can handle me - get in touch!
You can contact me via here if you want to know more - or you can always pray! haha
Either way you're damned! haha
Take Care
Jx
PS. Please...NO GAYS! Thanks"


So........Anyone interested?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel