Lord Noel On Cards We Didn't Buy

What ho! Pepys!....

I've been trying my hand at creative writing.....

....starting orf with verses for greetings cards.

I haven't had a reply to the ones I've sent orf to the Card Companies yet...

...but I remain hopeful!

I heard your wife has left you,

How upset you must be.

But please don't fret about it...

Coz she's moved in with me.

Congratulations to you

on your big wedding day!

We love you Dear but can't you make

your husband go away?

 I must admit of all the things

you brought into my life.

I never believed in Hell until 

you turned into my wife.

As days go by, I think about

how fortunate I am...

that you're not here beside me

to ruin every plan.

I'm miserable without you

I pine all day my Dear

It's such an awful life I live

it's almost like you're here.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Lord Noel Knows Kisses Add Up

What ho! Pepys.....

A youth taught his young sweetheart maths,

he thought it was his mission,

he kissed her once then once again 

  and said "That's just addition!"

The girl took it upon herself 

to return this pleasant action,

she kissed him once then once again,

  and said "So that's subtraction!"

  Well she soon learned the basic skills 

without much complication,

they hugged and kissed first once, then twice,

and said "Thats multiplication!"

Meanwhile the young girl's father

had a 'lesson' in his vision,

  throwing the boy right out the door
 

said "This is long division!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

xxx

Lord Noel Reveals Yodka

Whatto! Peeps....

Yoga is soooo relaxing...

...and I love starting the day with my own personalised Yoga routine.....

By the time I've finished I feel toned up....

....relaxed and totally refreshed.

But it has been pointed out to me that a very similar effect......

....can be created....

....if you have enough Vodka!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Finds The Link

What ho!

Todays teaser is musical....

What do all of these songs have in common?

1. Dancing in the Moonlight - by Toploader

2. Papa Oo Mow Mow - by The Trashmen

3. Respect - by Aretha Franklin

4. I love rock and roll - by Joan Jett

5. Tainted Love - by Soft Cell

6. Hound Dog - by Elvis

7. Blame it on the Boogie - by The Jacksons

8. The Tide is High - by Blondie

9. Girls just wann have fun - by Cyndi Lauper

The Answer is:

They are all songs that only became famous after being covered by another artist!



Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Utter Madness

What ho! Pepys....

Soft Construction With Boiled Beans (Premonition of Civil War), 1936

Young Virgin Autosodomized by Her Own Chastity

'There is 

only one difference 

between a madman 

and me. 

I 

am not mad.'

The Madman himself

- Salvador Dali -

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Reads The Captain's Log

Whatto! Peeps.....

Ahar! Can I recommend to ye the high protein dyet?

Those of you who know of my family roots will also know that there seems to be very strong evidence for Pirate connections......
......with the original family members being foreign seafarers who arrived on the beaches of County Clare, Eire...
During my continued research on the subject I have managed to unearth an old story about one of my oldest ancestors.....
....one Captain Vellus!
Captain Vellus was apparently very successful at what he did; for years he guided Pirate ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or the 'Authorities' get the better of him. He was admired by his crew and feared by other Sea Captains. 
However, the story tells that there was one thing different about Captain Vellus...... 
Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small metal safe. Within the safe was a leather envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would reportedly stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. 
For years this went on, and eventually his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day, during a fierce sea battle whilst boarding another vessel, Captain Vellus was shot in the chest by an officer using a flintlock pistol and he died at sea. 
After laying the captain's body to rest in a formal sea burial, the First Mate led the entire crew down to the Captain’s quarters...
...determined to put to rest their curiousity about Captain Vellus's strange behaviour....
....once and for all.
The First Mate found a key amongst the Captain's personal effects and with it he opened the metal safe......
......he then prised apart the leather envelope, and looked inside.........
The story tells that the First Mate then turned deathly pale as he slowly read the paper.....
.....then he turned and showed the paper to the rest of the loyal crew. 
Four words were on the paper.......
......two lines......
.....with two words each:


"Port Left"

"Starboard Right"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Finds A New Position

What ho! Pepys....

In the Pub last night I was having a drink and a chat with a few of the local chaps.....
...when one of them asked "Have you heard about the New Position called the 'Chilean Miner'?"
"No!?" we all answered in Unison.....
....(gathering closer so as to be able to hear all the juicy details)......
"Well..." he continued "I heard about it on TV and the other night I asked my wife if we could try the Chilean Miner position......
.....She asked me 'Is it the one where I go deep down the shaft and stay there until I need to come up for air?'.....
....and I told her, "No" ... it's the one where you clear off and I don't see you for four months!" ...

How we laughed......

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Dressed Up With Somewhere To Go!

What ho! Pepys....

With 'Party Season' fast approaching I will readily admit....
I Love Parties!......and I love dressing up!
So Fancy Dress Parties are a natural choice for me......
....They provide Instant escapism....
....and complete relaxation....
...especially when you look around and see that everyone else looks just as ridiculous as you do!
....and then the fun and laughter begins!...
...a great way to start off ANY Party!
But there is another side to dressing up that also appeals to me....
....some of the outfits available for the Lady are just too good to miss!
I've been trying to persuade Lady Jacqueline to give this little number a try.....

...or even this one......

And is it really too much to ask.......
....just now and again.....
.....whilst walking around Virtual Manor..
...that she wears this fabulously gorgeous outfit?

Now THAT'S what I call a PARTY!
Point me at it Virgil!

Wallopy Wallop! & TaTa Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "Happy Anniversary to us!"

What ho! Pepys....

We were at the lovely Beechwood Hotel at North Walsham today.....
....I was being treated to a wonderful six course lunch with my Lady wife for our Wedding Anniversary by my generous in-laws.

We sat in the wonderfully plush lounge bar as our table was being prepared and munched through the hors d'oeuvres with a delciously refreshing  bottle of Sauvignon blanc to wash them down with.
I always think of myself as a 'Social Drinker'.....
.....if someone says to me, "I'll have a drink." I say, "Social I!" 
As we sat in the lounge bar I heard a quiet voice say "Hey, nice tie!"......
I looked around but there was no-one there...... 
I looked to see where the various members of staff were......
....but they were all on the other side of the bar. 
"Hey! What a nice shirt!" the small voice said once more.....
I looked up quickly but again, there was still no-one about. 
"That's strange!" I thought and began looking for hidden loud speakers in the foliage of the various flower arrangments....when I suddenly heard the same tiny voice say "Hey! That's a really nice suit!" 
By this point I was quite confused.
I called the barman over and asked him "Where are those flattering voices coming from?"....
....and I realised when I'd finished my question that I sounded like someone who'd just escaped from somewhere much more secure.....
....so I added "I just thought it might be a member of staff saying nice things through a hidden speaker somewhere".....
"Oh no Lord Noel" he calmly replied.....
...."It's certainly not a member of our staff or a hidden speaker......
...in fact I think you'll find.......
.....it's the complimentary peanuts."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Enjoys Lovely Melons!

What ho! Pepys.....

For some strange reason this news item caught my attention:

Fruity farmer Rowie Meers is proudly showing off her melons after using bras to grow the fruit on her farm.

Meers, 45, asked customers at Purton House Organics to donate their unwanted underwear to support the melons after discovering they were hanging too low to flourish.

She now uses over 40 bras to hoist the fruit from the ceilings of her farm in Swindon, Wilts, and claims the bigger the bust the better!

Rowie said: "We had such a fantastic crop of melons and I was struggling to stop them swinging too low. We needed something to suspend them.....

...My eureka moment came when I thought something needed to be done - then looked down at my B cup - I realised the answer was right under my nose!....

....I thought 'let's use bras because they suspend my melons very well' so we use them for this....

...My customers have been sending in their bras to help me out. A size D cup seems to be the best for them."

Maybe we should be ordering Melons by cup size?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On The Power Of Prayer

What ho! Pepys......

I was interested to see a programme on CNN about a journalist who heard that a very old Jewish man had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day,every day, for a long, long time.
She was asked to cover the story so she went to check it out.
She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched hm pray and after about 45 minutes, as he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir. I'm Rebeca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years," said Morris.
"Sixty years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims," said Morris. "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop........
.......I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" asked Ms. Smith.
"Like I'm talking to a f*cking brick wall!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Lady Jacqueline's New Ring

What ho! Pepys....

My good Lady wife has often chastised me for not buying her a diamond ring.
I explain that it was simply because I omitted the 'engagement' phase and went straight to 'marriage'...
...nonetheless she still mentions it from time to time...
...(every Xmas, Birthday, Anniversary etc etc)
So I was absolutely delighted when I recently discovered a simple yet cunning device named a 'Mood Ring'!
Now my dearest Lady J is of course, perfect in so many ways.....
...but I thought it would extremely helpful to buy her one....
...so that she would at last have a beautiful ring....
...and I would be able to monitor her many mood swings.
Having had the ring for just over a week now....
....I have discovered that.....
...when she is in a good mood....
... it turns green.
And when she is in a bad mood....
....it leaves a big red mark on my forehead.
Maybe next time I will by a diamond!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Biting Those Bullets

What ho! Pepys....

More newborn baby pictures here

A very talented and totally wonderful friend of ours recently celebrated the birthday of her triplets.....
...and I was reminded of the tale of am American woman who was pregnant with triplets.
She was walking down the street in Chicago when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach!
An ambulance rushed her to hospital where she was given emergency treatment.....
....and luckily the babies were all found to be okay.
The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in situ because it was far too risky to operate....
....and the lady later gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was taking a pee and this bullet came out" replied the daughter.

The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.

"Mom, I was taking a pee and this bullet came out".

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened....you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Visits Palais de Roses

Whatto! Peeps....

The view from the dining room at Palais de Roses

Occasionally a night comes along which is enriching, both physically and mentally.....
....and Saturday night was one of those nights.

Palais de Roses during daylight

Lady Jacqueline and I were invited around to the Palais de Roses by her Ladyship for a wonderously delicious one pot meal that tasted so amazing I was overjoyed to have fresh bread to soak up all the tasty juices that remained.....

Yummedy yummedy yummedy!

....then more full bodied red wine was consumed (with just a hint of vanilla I noticed!).....
....and individual chocolate and ginger desserts.....more than enough for each of us......
....and the grand finalé began after a fanfare of introduction by Royal Household Trumpeters.....
....as the concluding Act was unveiled....
...an exquisite 15 year old Guyanan rum named 'El Dorado'.

"Well hello there!....Lovely to meet you!"

I was expecting a Morgans rum flavour but this baby is in a different world.....
...nay...a different planet!
The sweet yet subtle taste of sugar cane makes this little beauty...
.....sooooooooo smoooooooth.....
....so that after each descending mouthful...
....I'm sure I heard my throat whisper to me an emotional "Thank you!".
But the piéce de résistance was the conversation.....
.....we covered so much....
...and in sooooo much detail.....
....I was reminded that I was being privée to a situation that very few men ever witness......
....it was like being a member of the cast of Sex in the City!

"And then he got hold of it......and stretched it!"....

What an honour....
....and what a great night!
Thanks to all of you Darlings! Mwah! Mwah!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel Enjoys Casting New Light

What ho! Pepys....

...Lord Noel here...

There are times in life...

...when things...

....aren't all ...

...they seem to be....

....and this...
....(being an Artistic interlude).....

...is definitely....
...one...

....of those times....

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Reveals The Signs Of Ageing

What ho! Pepys.....

Lord Noel here....

Someone said to me the other day "Lord Noel, how can I tell if I'm getting old?"
....and I replied "Well...you can always use my 'Are you old?' checklist!".....

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is completely out of the question.
3. 6 a.m. is when you get up, NOT when you go to bed.
4. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.
5. You keep more food than booze in the fridge.
6. You don't know what time the local Take Away closes anymore.
7. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of just being the beginning of one.
8. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
9. If you're a woman, you go to the supermarket for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
10. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Knows Where There's A Will....

Whatto! peeps...

...Lord Noel here....

I was sitting having a chat with my good Lady wife the other evening.....
.....and we began discussing the thorny subject of Wills....
....and how important it was to know what the other partner wanted...
...should the worst happen.
I joked with her saying "You know the expression 'Where there's a Will....
....there's lots of hard up relatives!' "
But then I explained seriously to her that if I ever ended up in some sort of vegetative state.....
...dependant on a machine to keep me alive....
....and living orf fluids from a bottle....
....then she definately had my permission....
....to 'pull the plug'
Lady Jacqueline then stood up.....
....threw away my Armagnac!....
....and unplugged my bally Computer!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Tries Un Learning

What ho!

The student of knowledge 

goes for learning a little 
day by day;

The student of Tao 

reduces his assets 

by dwindling 

or losing a little 

each day.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Local News

What ho!

Those of you who are avid readers of our Parish magazine will no doubt be wondering where the November issue has got to.....
....well, wonder no more .....
Here's an extract from....
....our famous 'Problem Page' which I have been asked to Edit and run....
This letter came to me from a local Professional from the 'caring profession'......

Dear Lord Noel,

I had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much I tried to forget about it, I couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. Every once in a while, though, I'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure me - "Don't worry about it Bob. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And you're single!....So just let it go."
Invariably though, the other voice would bring me back to reality ...

.... "But Bob, you're a Veterinarian!" 

Please help me.....Bob

Dear Bob......The English are well known as a nation of animal lovers but I think you may be taking things a little too far by bringing your work home with you......I believe you may have been provoked by a very attractive sheep or similar animal......God knows....when they look at you with those lovely big eyes......it's a difficult call.......but hey! Look on the bright side!.......At least she (I'm assuming it was a 'she'!?) won't be making any complaints against you......Your secret is safe! Bob Larkins.....

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Enjoys Wonderful Weddings

 What ho!...

Aren't Weddings wonderful?.....

Two people....

...who've finally decided that....

....despite the economic climate and global warming.....

...and the statistics that categorically prove beyond a shadow of a doubt....

...that the vast majority of Marriages DO NOT LAST!....

 STILL....decide to 'give it a go'.....

...because "We're different".....

.....and...

....judging from these pictures.....

....I actually believe them!

But regardless of the apparent anomalies in these shots....

...one has to accept that a certain amount of these blissful pairings....

.....will eventually go awry....

....Awwwwwwww....I hear you say.....

....but it's not necessarily such a bad thing....

...sometimes the signs were there from the start......

Take the cakes for example.......

This nontraditional 'topping' leaves no doubt....

....the reason this hastily thrown together celebration has come about.....

And if this one isn't crying out "I'm gonna kill you the first chance I get!....and I'm gonna make it look like an accident!" I don't know what is.....

Or there's this one....

...where I think she wants to see whether he actually has the nerve to 'stick the knife in'......

....and if he does......

....Wow!.....he better just LOOK OUT!

Or maybe this one.....

...which clearly illustrates the theme "All my friends know we're nuts so how come you never realised?"

 Or sometimes the cake can be that last minute desperate vehicle for a genuine 'Cry for help!'....

.....as anyone who stepped forward to cut a slice of this one would clearly see.....

....this Marriage is not going to be 'Plain Sailing'

But sometimes the Couple can do it in much more subtle ways.....

 ....either by their choice of Vicar.....

 ...or bridesmaid....

 ...or sometimes.....

....if one looks carefully....

....it can be read....

...in the subtle body language of the couple themselves.......

 

 ....somehow one can tell......

 ....that their Heart just wasn't in it.....!!

 But I suppose the biggest positive message of all that we can take.....

....from the wonderful pairings is the one which is so subtly suggested in this young ladies tasteful wedding dress......

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel