Lord Noel On Phoning A Friend

Whatto! Peeps...

They say that England has the best Justice system in the World!

I don't know who 'they' are...

...or why they persist in saying such things....
(apart, of course, from having a vested interest)...

...but they do.

And we are certainly an extremely humane society.....

.....if this story is anything to go on:

Two teenagers ....

....were found naked....

.....enjoying a joint......

...(no not having a BBQ!)...

...I am reliably informed it was a type of 'joint'....

.....otherwise known as a 'Spliff' ....

......and they were in a well known fountain in London.....

...quite close to Buck House and good old Liz.....

....so they were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana.

(I'm surprised it was warm enough in Britain to do such a thing - they were clearly deranged!)

Anyway.....So far....

...so good!
Once they'd all arrived at the Police Station.....

....the arresting officer (unable to reach either parent)....

.....allowed each of them to make one phone call in private.
A half hour later, a man arrived at the Public Enquiry desk at the front of the station.
The Clerk on duty rang through to the Custody Sergeant to explain....

....and the Sergeant said, "I suppose it's the kids' lawyer?"
"Nope," the Clerk replied. "It's just a bloke delivering their pizzas!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gets Real Results

Whatto! Peeps....

I remember the excitement I felt when I received the news.....

....that I had passed so many of my 'O' levels at school with top marks!

Nowadays it's all GCSE's......

....with no real pass or fail criteria.....

....and here are some real GCSE questions and real answers that were given by real students......

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainier, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

The future of Britain is in good hands!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Asks "Do You Fancy a Chinese Takeaway?"

Whatto! Peeps....

Interesting news has reached me from abroad!....

Apparently a Wang Mou, of Dahe, China, 
has been arrested for pretending to be a woman 
-- to marry men for their money.
Wang, 18, allegedly married three men this year 
and fled with the engagement money, 
according to local news reports. Wang, 
who is very slim and softly spoken, reportedly admitted: 
"A lot of people mistake me for a woman on first sight."

His first "marriage" happened in February 
when a woman promised to find him a job 
but instead sold him as a wife for £500.
"She cheated me but I found a chance to escape, 
then realized I could use the same shortcut 
to make some money and also get lots of gifts," he said.

With the help of an accomplice, Wang allegedly 
sold himself to a Mr. Liu who paid £1,000 (US$1,498.93)  
for the engagement. 
Wang escaped the next night and split the money with his accomplice.

Police say he was then introduced to another potential husband, 
a Mr. Zhang, in Zhoukou, who also paid a £1,000 engagement fee.
Wang allegedly escaped again but was caught a day later 
by local women who handed him over to the police 
after finding out that he was really a man.

Wang was still wearing his pink wedding dress 
when he was taken to the local police station for questioning

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gives The Words Of The Lord

 What ho! Pepys.....

Here's another email I have received:

"Dear Lord Noel,

I am going on a Summer Holiday soon and intend to meet women whilst I am away. You seem like such a confident, good looking, intelligent, sophisticated and humorous young man and I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to approach beautiful women like Lady Jacqueline in order to woo them and form a lasting relationship with them,

Yours sincerely Xavier Klampdamp"

"Dear Xavier,

I was so suitably impressed with your complimentary email that I was unable to resist your plea for assistance. Although I don't like blowing my own trumpet (after all I have a Lady to do that for me...) I have heard that one simply cannot fail to impress a female by using ANY of the following 'passion passes'....

....so please - use them sparingly or you may find yourself well and truly inundated with amorous women....all clamouring for a slice of your manhood!

You have been warned!.....

Oh my God! There must be something wrong with my eyes! I can't take them off you!

You're so hot, you're actually melting the plastic in my underwear.

I must say that's lovely jewelry you're wearing. It would look great on my bedside cabinet.

Pardon me (as you grab a handful or her rear end), is this seat taken?

I say!...Didn't we not go to different schools together? (Highly effective at the end of the night when booze is clouding rational thought processes)

Let me fill you up!....Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

I'm just  wondering if you'd like to know what it feels like to be with the most beautiful girl in this room?

I've had a tremendous amount to drink, and you're actually beginning to look totally hot.

Standing next to you I feel like Richard Gere; Pretty Woman.

Good Luck!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Going to Heaven

What ho! Pepys...

I was standing in the centre of the village chatting

 to a group of locals....

....when our rather eccentric old Priest came

 and stood with us.

He's preoccupied with the Church's recently falling 

attendance levels....

....it that may be because nowaday....

...he tends to ramble on a bit....

....plus there's always a faint smell about him....

...of whisky.

Suddenly he pointed to one of the group saying..

...'Do you want to go to heaven?' 

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there...

... against that wall.'..

He pointed to a nearby wall...

... which the man duly stood against

Then the priest asked a second man, 

...'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 

'Then stand over there against the wall,' 

said the priest....

....the man walked over to join the first man.

Then Priest then walked up to a lady

....and asked her, 'Do you want to go
to heaven?'

But surprisingly she said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest was aghast and exclaimed, 

...'I don't believe this!....

.... You mean to tell me that when you die....

.... you don't want to go to heaven?'

The lady said, 'Oh, when I DIE?!..

..Yes, of course!!....

.... I just thought you were getting 

...a group together....

...to go right now!'

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Kreating Kuddly Kids Korner

What ho! Pepys.....

As major patron of our local library....

....(which had become a trifle neglected).....

I was asked to attend a small function which would involve me officially opening the new Childrens book section....

....which they tell me they are going to call "Kids Korner"

I'm not really one for deliberately misspelling words....

...(in fact, wherever possible....

...I always use smellchecker)....

....especially in the childrens area.......

.....but that paled into insignificance when I browsed amongst the books on display.....

....and saw just how 'Modern' childrens books have become....

....since I was a lad.

Here are some of the books I encountered....

"You Were A Complete Accident" by Mal Ishusparent

"Strangers Have the Best Candy" by Reg Toothless

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched" by Fingers McNutter

"Some Kittens Can Fly!" by Ivor Badtrip

"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups" by Adam Naked

"Getting Even More Chocolate on Your Face" by Ima Largeboned

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" by Kydee Kyllaa

"Katy Was So Bad - Her Mummy Stopped Loving Her" by Euaint Nofriends

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of

North America Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" by Blaaa Deblaadeblaaablaaweeeee

"All Dogs Go to Hell" by Moggi Strangler

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" by Lori Driver

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, they Say God did it" by Aunty Christ

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" by Pluto Neeum

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" by Woof Humperdink

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?" by Frizzi Hairpeice

"Bi-Curious George" by Ivor Yearning

"Daddy Drinks So Much Because You Make So Much Noise" by Arfur Pintleft

"Mister Policeman Plays With His Service Revolver" by Holy Copper

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Expalins How To Get The Most From The Man In Your Life

What ho! Pepys....

Not able or willing to wait (typical woman) until the next edition of our Parish Newspapers hits the streets.....

.....I received an irate email from a lady....

.....asking me for advice..."as a man".....

.....on how she can get her partner to behave 'differently'....

....(i.e.....more the way she wants)....

....so here are some of  LORD NOEL'S TOP TIPS from Men to Women....

...on.....

How to get the most from the Man in your life......

1. To all men the floor is an acceptable clothing storage location.

2. Never EVER!.....ask men to purchase feminine products. Most of a woman's body is completely alien to men....so you must always assume that we will come home with completely the wrong thing.

3. When watching TV hugging is always fine because men can still see the screen.....but kissing should only be done during commercial breaks.

Any questions you may have should also be severely limited to the break period when you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.

4. When men are watching 'your show' on TV and they change the channels during a commercial do not hassle men by saying things like "The Adverts are over!" and "Change the channel back!" Men always know when the timing is right...... Also, when men are channel surfing do not ask them to go back, because you can rest assured there was a very good reason why we skipped that particular Channel.

5. If you need help with the laundry, then men are more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In men's minds this is now 'half the chore done' and so we feel free to return to the couch.

6. If men mention that a male friend of theirs is going to do something 'interesting' it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

7. If you don't like the way men drive, simply close your eyes. And men would also appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise with your mouth. We haven't hit anything yet and if we ever do it will be your fault!

8. Men go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

9. Just tell men what you want them to wear before they get dressed. And remember that this takes men less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all we are getting dressed, not getting 'ready'.

10. Don't ask men if they prefer one of your many outfits over another, or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. Men consider this a 'no-win' situation and would rather just watch TV and wait for you to dress yourself.

11. If you want men to put the seat down when they are finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair.

.....And stop giving men a hard time about missing the bowl! What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own?!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel