Lord Noel's Lonely Souls

Whatto! Pepys...

I received this:

"Dear Lord Noel, 
Are you still running your FREE online dating service for lonely souls? The reason I ask is that I recently split up from my long time partner..... she was starting to behave more outrageously towards me each day - and had even begun to tie me up and slap me! - for her own sexual gratification! 
I was 'used' in this way unmercifully! 
......several times a week!
.... until we finally split up 
And I was wondering.....
..... if you could find me someone else? 
- exactly like her?
Yours sincerely
Count Urblesins"


"Dear Count U,
Why Yes I AM!
And I'm very pleased to report that we are having a very high success rate thanks to my in depth 'surveillance techniques' and rigorous 'customer care programme' - that I entirely insist upon as a means of discovering the 'hidden you' which is, of course, what your true soul mate will be seeking.
My biggest disappointment has finally hit the headlines as I feared it would - but other than this one major glitch with Mel B (the former Old Spice girl) - I have a 100% unblemished success rate!
I never should've taken her on as a client!
She told me in her customer survey that she wanted someone who was a 'Bad Boy' who was also a bit 'rough' with birds....
...hence......

 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2876133/Domestic-violence-handling-stolen-goods-beating-mallard-death-brick-chequered-history-Mel-B-s-husband-trouble-police-two-decades.html

But in retrospect I should have realised she was going to be a difficult 'lonely soul' to 'place' because when we undertook our 'initial customer care survey' together at our first meeting.....
I remember distinctly asking her what she wanted from a man...
...and she found it quite difficult to put into words....
"But my customer survey requires your candid response!" I remember repeating to her....
She thought about her response for quite a while then, in a softly spoken Northern accent she finally began to reveal her hidden self to me!
Okay Lord Noel....
....she began.....
I'll tell you what I want......
.....what I really, really want.....
....but all she could come up with was "Ziggazig...Ha!"
It was doomed from the start!


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel