Lord Noel's New Diet

What ho! Pepys...

 

Rather than try to resist the ongoing trend developing in the UK right now, I have decided instead to incorporate horse meat into each of my daily meals. It certainly hasn't had any side effects on me. In fact my fence jumping has improved dramatically and many people in the village have commented on how lovely my fetlocks have become. I need to take this diet to the next level by totally giving up vegetables. It should be a lot easier now I've got this vegetable patch.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Visits The Zoo

What ho! Pepys...

 

Are you a Zoophile? Well you should be ashamed of yourself! Today there was a serious incident at our local zoo. One animal was shot and a cage was also set on fire. Police say the culprit has been apprehended after they found a smoking Gnu

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Knocks 'em Dead

What ho! Pepys...

You are no doubt very aware of my numerous and notorious skills as a guest speaker. So I was very pleased when I was one again invited to deliver one of my recitals at this year's National Necrophiliacs Conference. Normally I find events like this dead boring but I was able to inject some of my unique humour into my presentation and despite corpsing a few times I think it was appreciated by all and sundry. It was all going very well indeed - until I made a complete faux pas by suggesting that we all have a breather.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Reaches Out

Whatto! Pepys.....

As Lady Jacqueline and I had an 'extra special' occasion coming up I went into a pharmacy and asked to see the male pharmacist. 
He came out and I, looking around furtively, asked quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?" 
The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. We certainly do." 
I then said, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?" 
The pharmacist looked at me for a moment and then said, "You might....
....if you took several pills at once." 

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Crystal Balls

Whatto! Pepys...

Due to my recent increased Psychic activity

I headed down to our local Tarot reading centre for work.
That's the beauty of being Psychic...
...knowing where to apply for work without having to be told.

I was led down a dimly lit corridor to the secluded Reiki room for my interview 

where a woman in a floor length cloak spoke to me in a slow soft voice.

"Lord Noel - How nice to see you again! How can I help you today?"

I said "Well, I'd like to apply for a position of Psychic here at the centre." 

"Yes Okay." She smiled wickedly...

..."Tell me, where do you see yourself in five years' time?"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Dating Tip Number 48

Whatto! Pepys...

Today I give the benefit of my tactful and worldly advice 

to single men everywhere.
Are you a man who admits you are 'not very good with women'?

Well Chaps...If you're finding it hard to get any ladies you meet 

to 'sleep over' at your place

you can increase your chances substantially 

by simply dating homeless women!

You're welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Negotiator Extraordinaire

Whatto! Pepys...

During my latest confrontational meeting with 'officialdom personified' I could sense a growing tension in the air between us.

I knew that everything that happened from this point onwards 

would hinge entirely on what I said next...

and that if I was to achieve the best outcome...

...I would have to call on ALL my skills

as a World reknowned Negotiator.

So, with that in the forefront of my mind

I skillfully ventured the following phrase which normally defuses any situation "I genuinely believe it's imperative 

that we immediately source a collaborative solution going forward". 

To which he replied 

"Look mate - either pay up, or get off the f*cking bus!".

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Works On His Tan

Whatto! Pepys...

Isn't Technology brilliant?

What will they think of next?

I went swimming at my Health Spa yesterday... 

...and without telling any of us Members...

...they've only gone and put that chemical in the water...

...that turns the water brown...

...if you do a sneaky poo.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Originalitiness

Whatto! Pepys...

As you can see - 'My Story' is finally available throughout the free-thinking world and making it's way up the Best Sellers list.
When I was a lot younger than I am now...

I often used to often take credit for other people's writings. 

That was mainly because...

...I ran a bookshop in a poor neighbourhood.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel