Lord Noel On Bread

Whatto! Pepys...

I am hoping that the next General Election will include discussions on an issue that is close to my heart: This is a subject which has been long overlooked by our political representatives so I have prepared a series of bullet points to increase the impact of this controversial subject! BREAD!

1. More than 98 percent of convicted criminals are bread users!

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardised tests!

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations!

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread!

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days!

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as margarine, butter, jam, peanut butter, and even Marmite!

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. The human body is more than 90 percent water, so it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into
a soggy, gooey bread-pudding type of doughy person!

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread!

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute!

10.  Bread relies on Bacteria to carry out it's chemical changes on the natural sugars! Bacteria is the source of many illnesses and infections in humans! It can also be a source of Amylophobia!

11. Bread contains GLUTEN which is the scourge of coeliacs who make up one in 100 of the population!

12. Millions of acres of otherwise useable farmland has become barren from over production of wheat using agrochemicals and petroleum based fertilisers!

13. Most British bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific facts and meaningless statistical babbling!


Tallyho!


Best Wishes - Lord Noel