Lord Noel On The Stages Of Life

Whatto! Pepys....

I've been giving consideration to the Stages of Life.

Here are the results of my findings....


THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE        DRINK
===        ====
17         beer
25         beer
35         vodka
48         double vodka
66         Gaviscon

SEDUCTION LINE
=============
17         My parents are away for the weekend.
25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35         My fianc  is away for the weekend.
48         My wife is away for the weekend.
66         My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT
==============
17         sex
25         sex
35         sex
48         Golf
66         napping

DRUG
====
17         pot
25         coke
35         really good coke
48         power
66         a limousine and the company jet

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
===============================
17         "tongue"
25         "breakfast"
35         "She didn't set back my therapy."
48         "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66         "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY
================
17         getting to third base
25         airplane sex
35         menage a trois
48         taking the company public
66         Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET
=========
17         cockroaches
25         stoned-out college roommate
35         Irish setter
48         children from his first marriage
66         Trainset

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
====================================
17         25
25         35
35         48
48         66
66         17

IDEAL DATE
==========
17         Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25         "Split the check before we go back to my  place"
35         "Just come over."
48         "Just come over and cook."
66         Night in with a good book


THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE        DRINK
===        =====
17         Wine Coolers
25         White wine
35         Red wine
48         Dom Perignon
66         Shot of Jack with a Complan chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
==========================
17         Need to wash my hair
25         Need to wash and condition my hair
35         Need to colour my hair
48         Need to have Francois colour my hair
66         Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
==============
17         shopping
25         shopping
35         shopping
48         shopping
66         shopping

DRUG
====
17         shopping
25         shopping
35         shopping
48         shopping
66         shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
===============================
17         "Burger King"
25         "Free meal"
35         "A diamond"
48         "A bigger diamond"
66         "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY
================
17         tall, dark and handsome
25         tall, dark and handsome with money
35         tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48         a man with hair
66         a man

HOUSE PET
=========
17         Muffy the cat
25         Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35         Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48         Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66         Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
====================================
17         17
25         25
35         35
48         48
66         66

IDEAL DATE
==========
17         He offers to pay
25         He pays
35         He cooks breakfast the next morning
48         He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66         He can chew food


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel