Lord Noel On London

Whatto! Pepys...

If you fear the sight of a well toned naked man climbing buildings in London - look away now!
For this is a story of courage defiance and supreme skills.
It began when free running world champion Tim Shieff stripped off for an adventure and ended in this series of naked photographs of him climbing across buildings in central London.

The parkour athlete came up with the idea after holding a similar shoot in Greece.
It took place over four days last November and fellow free running expert Jason Paul took the pictures.
'These shots would not have been possible for a normal photographer,' Mr Shieff, 26, said.
This is because the intrepid photographer too had to clambour up adjoining buildings to keep up with Shieff and get the desired angle for these amazing pics.

Shieff is a close friend of the Naked chef Jamie Oliver and the prints will be sold to raise money for Jamie Oliver's Food Foundation charity. A proportion of the money will go towards the TV chef's charity for disadvantaged children.

Mr Shieff regularly appears on the chef's YouTube channel as he is a leading figure in the vegan and raw food movements
Eight of the staggering images, costing between £100 and £600, can be bought as limited edition prints from www.beautifulcrime.com.



Tallyho!


Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On The Stages Of Life

Whatto! Pepys....

I've been giving consideration to the Stages of Life.

Here are the results of my findings....


THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE        DRINK
===        ====
17         beer
25         beer
35         vodka
48         double vodka
66         Gaviscon

SEDUCTION LINE
=============
17         My parents are away for the weekend.
25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35         My fianc  is away for the weekend.
48         My wife is away for the weekend.
66         My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT
==============
17         sex
25         sex
35         sex
48         Golf
66         napping

DRUG
====
17         pot
25         coke
35         really good coke
48         power
66         a limousine and the company jet

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
===============================
17         "tongue"
25         "breakfast"
35         "She didn't set back my therapy."
48         "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66         "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY
================
17         getting to third base
25         airplane sex
35         menage a trois
48         taking the company public
66         Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET
=========
17         cockroaches
25         stoned-out college roommate
35         Irish setter
48         children from his first marriage
66         Trainset

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
====================================
17         25
25         35
35         48
48         66
66         17

IDEAL DATE
==========
17         Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25         "Split the check before we go back to my  place"
35         "Just come over."
48         "Just come over and cook."
66         Night in with a good book


THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE        DRINK
===        =====
17         Wine Coolers
25         White wine
35         Red wine
48         Dom Perignon
66         Shot of Jack with a Complan chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
==========================
17         Need to wash my hair
25         Need to wash and condition my hair
35         Need to colour my hair
48         Need to have Francois colour my hair
66         Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
==============
17         shopping
25         shopping
35         shopping
48         shopping
66         shopping

DRUG
====
17         shopping
25         shopping
35         shopping
48         shopping
66         shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
===============================
17         "Burger King"
25         "Free meal"
35         "A diamond"
48         "A bigger diamond"
66         "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY
================
17         tall, dark and handsome
25         tall, dark and handsome with money
35         tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48         a man with hair
66         a man

HOUSE PET
=========
17         Muffy the cat
25         Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35         Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48         Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66         Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
====================================
17         17
25         25
35         35
48         48
66         66

IDEAL DATE
==========
17         He offers to pay
25         He pays
35         He cooks breakfast the next morning
48         He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66         He can chew food


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Steampunk

Whatto! Pepys...

I find myself aligned to the spirit of Steampunk.
Not only is a culture that allows creativity, fantasy and individualism to reign...
...but they also have awesome taste in fashion wear too!
Now THAT's what I call a S H O E !

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Crosses Over

Whatto! Pepys....

Last night - after a few glasses of beautiful Pinot Grigio - I decided to try to make contact with my long dead Italian Great Grandfather...
Lady Jacqueline said he should be left alone because he has pasta way!
But I was determined....
I surrounded myself with a few select items from my wife's extensive - and expensive - Italian shoe and handbag collection...
...just to create the right ambiance...
Several hours - and several glasses - later...
I finally managed to make contact!
Using my Luigi Board!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Remembers

Whatto! Pepys.... 

Making a stuffed bird laugh!

If I said to you "I was out with my chuckaboo, smothering a parrot until I was half-rats and she was turning into a church bell when I suggested we get hold of some bags o' mystery but she was orf  chuck!" you may not make sense of it all but these were very popular phrases back in the 19th century.
In 1909, writing under the pseudonym James Redding Ware, British writer Andrew Forrester published 'Passing English of the Victorian era'; a dictionary of heterodox English, slang and phrase. "Thousands of words and phrases in existence in 1870 have drifted away, or changed their forms, or been absorbed, while as many have been added or are being added," he writes in the book's introduction. 
"‘Passing English’ ripples from countless sources, forming a river of new language which has its tide and its ebb, while its current brings down new ideas and carries away those that have dribbled out of fashion." Forrester chronicles many hilarious and delightful words in Passing English; I don't know how these phrases ever fell out of fashion, but maybe I could propose bringing some of them back?

1. Afternoonified
A society word meaning “smart.” Forrester demonstrates the usage: "The goods are not 'afternoonified' enough for me." This reminds me having an idea that 'would never see the light of day'.
 
2. Arfarfan'arf
A figure of speech used to describe drunken men. “He’s very arf’arf’an’arf," Forrester writes, "meaning he has had many ‘arfs,’” or half-pints of booze.
 
3. Back slang it
Thieves used this term to indicate that they wanted “to go out the back way.” We still use 'Sling yer hook' as a way of asking someone impolitely to leave.
 
4. Bags o’ Mystery
An 1850 term for sausages, “because no man but the maker knows what is in them. ... The 'bag' refers to the gut which contained the dubious chopped meat.”
 
5. Bang up to the elephant
This phrase originated in London in 1882, and means “perfect, complete, unapproachable.” I wonder if this originated from the courageously defiant stance one was expected to adopt against any threatening elephants?
 
6. Batty-fang
Low London phrase meaning “to thrash thoroughly,” possibly from the French battre a fin.
 
7. Benjo
Nineteenth century sailor slang for “A riotous holiday, a noisy day in the streets.”
 
8. Bow wow mutton
A naval term referring to meat that was so bad “it might be dog flesh.”
 
9. Bricky
Brave or fearless. “Adroit after the manner of a brick," Forrester writes, " said even of the other sex, 'What a bricky girl she is.'” Which may be related somehow to the 'brick outhouse' or even 'brick shit house' phrases commonly used now to refer to someone of strong stature?
 
10. Bubble Around
A brilliant description of a verbal attack, generally made via the press. Forrester cites The Golden Butterfly: "I will back a first-class British subject for bubbling around against all humanity."
 
11. Butter Upon Bacon
Extravagance. Too much extravagance. “Are you going to put lace over the feather, isn't that rather butter upon bacon?” I suppose this was a variation of 'guilding the Lily'?
 
12. Cat-lap
A London society term for tea and coffee “used scornfully by drinkers of beer and strong waters ... in club-life is one of the more ignominious names given to champagne by men who prefer stronger liquors.” Of course! The Cats always get the cream!
 
13. Church-bell
A talkative woman. Always ringing!
 
14. Chuckaboo
An affectionate nickname given to a close friend.
 
15. Collie shangles
Quarrels. A term from Queen Victoria’s journal, More Leaves, published in 1884: “At five minutes to eleven rode off with Beatrice, good Sharp going with us, and having occasional collie shangles (a Scottish word for quarrels or rows, but taken from fights between dogs) with collies when we came near cottages.”
 
16. Cop a Mouse
To get a black eye. "Cop in this sense is to catch or suffer," Forrester writes, "while the colour of the obligation at its worst suggests the colour and size of the innocent animal named."
 
17. Daddles
A delightful way to refer to one's rather ordinary hands.
 
18. Damfino
This creative cuss is a fine contraction of “damned if I know.”
 
19. Dizzy Age
A phrase meaning "elderly," because it "makes the spectator giddy to think of the victim's years." The term is usually refers to "a maiden or other woman canvassed by other maiden ladies or others." Still used in the phrase 'Dizzy Blonde'
 
20. Doing the Bear
Describes perfectly any "Courting that involves hugging."
 
21. Don’t sell me a dog
Popular until 1870, this phrase meant “Don’t lie to me!” Apparently, people who sold dogs back in the day were prone to trying to pass off mutts as purebreds.
 
22. Door-knocker
A type of beard "formed by the cheeks and chin being shaved leaving a chain of hair under the chin, and upon each side of mouth forming with moustache something like a door-knocker."
 
23. Enthuzimuzzy
"Satirical reference to enthusiasm." Created by Braham the terror, whoever that was.
 
24. Fifteen puzzle
Not the game you might be familiar with, but a term meaning complete and absolute confusion.
 
25. Fly rink
An excellent 1875 term for a highly polished bald head.
 
26. Gal-sneaker
An 1870 term for "a man devoted to seduction.”
 
27. Gas-Pipes
A term for "especially tight pants" which reminds me of the subsequently used phrase 'drain pipes' for the tight trousers of the Teddyboy era..
 
28. Gigglemug
Clearly describing “An habitually smiling face.”
 
29. Got the morbs
Use of this 1880 phrase indicated temporary melancholy. Probably meaning 'Got the Morbids?'
 
30. Half-rats
Means "Partially intoxicated". 'Rat-assed' is still used in England to describe being very drunk.
 
31. Jammiest bits of jam
Describing “Absolutely perfect young females,” circa 1883.
 
32. Kruger-spoof
Lying, from 1896. Possibly derived from the golden Krugerand coin and any forgeries made to pass them off as originals to fool people?
 
33. Mad as Hops
Excitable. We still use the phrase 'Hopping Mad' which I always thought of as an excellent description of a March hare.
 
34. Mafficking
An excellent word that means getting rowdy in the streets. Maybe a combination of 'Mad' and 'trafficking'?
 
35. Make a stuffed bird laugh
Clearly anything which that effect was “Absolutely preposterous.”
 
36. Meater
A street term meaning coward.
 
37. Mind the Grease
When walking or otherwise getting around, you could ask people to let you pass, please. Or you could ask them to mind the grease, which meant the same thing to Victorians. I would certainly make way for anyone I thought was greasy or carrying grease!
 
38. Mutton Shunter
As with so many 'pig' references this 1883 term is for a policeman - but so much more polite.
 
39. Nanty Narking
A tavern term, popular from 1800 to 1840, that meant great fun.
 
40. Nose bagger
Someone who takes a day trip to the beach but brings his own provisions and doesn’t contribute at all to the resort he’s visiting.
 
41. Not up to Dick
Not well. A reference to not being well enough for sex?
 
42. Orf chump
Anyone who was off his chump steak clearly had 'No appetite'.
 
43. Parish Pick-Axe
A prominent nose.
 
44. Podsnappery
This term, Forrester writers, describes a person with a “wilful determination to ignore the objectionable or inconvenient, at the same time assuming airs of superior virtue and noble resignation.”
 
45. Poked Up
Embarrassed.
 
46. Powdering Hair
An 18th century tavern term that means “getting drunk.” Whereas nowadays "powdering my nose" originally meant politely excusing yourself without having to openly mention that you were going to the toilet but today increasingly "going to do a line"!
 
47. Rain Napper
An excellent description of an umbrella.
 
48. Sauce-box
The mouth. Sauce goes in - and comes out! Saucy Devil!
 
49. Shake a flannin
Why say you're going to fight when you could say you're going to shake a flannin instead?
 
50. Shoot into the brown
To fail. According to Forrester, "The phrase takes its rise from rifle practice, where the queer shot misses the black and white target altogether, and shoots into the brown i.e., the earth butt." Very similar to our 'Sinking the pink' and 'sinking the brown' snooker references.
 
51. Skilamalink
Secret, shady, doubtful.
 
52. Smothering a Parrot
Drinking a glass of absinthe neat; named for the green colour of the booze.
 
53. Suggestionize
A legal term from 1889 meaning “to prompt.”
 
54. Take the Egg
Meaning 'to win'. How unlike our 'Egg on your face' meaning embarassment!
 
55. Umble-cum-stumble
According to Forrester, this low class phrase means "thoroughly understood."
 
56. Whooperups
A term meaning "inferior, noisy singers" that could be used liberally today during karaoke sessions... whooping the night away!



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Psychologist

Whatto! Pepys...

Society today can make many people feel like they are trapped inside a bit of a rat race....
....a rat race where dog eats dog.......
..... and even stubborn horses can't be made to drink water!.
It's an odd old world indeed!
....and I suppose what I'm trying to say is that there are always several ways to skin a cat....
....and THAT ladies and gentlemen is my main motivation behind todays post.
My worldly experiences allow me to hone straight in to the crux of the matter when it comes to personal problems...
So I will begin by asking.....
Are you someone who feels unappreciated? misunderstood? and perhaps even ......unheard? 
Well kind reader...
....I'm happy to report that your condition is....
...what's known as....
...Perfectly Normal!
There!....
.... and I've just saved you several thousand pounds in therapy. 
You're welcome!


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On GOD

Whatto! Pepys....

I sometimes meet Religious types who try to convince me that GOD is a man shaped entity who lives in the sky somewhere.
Well.... Ladies & Gentlemen...
I am here to tell you that GOD... 
(whatever that is)
....is NOT a 'man'!
And there are perfectly checkable and irrefutable facts that conclusively PROVE this....
...once and for ALL!

If GOD was a MAN....

Nodding and looking at your watch would be a perfectly acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half time.

Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A kick in the arse would pretty much do it.

Birth control would be already built-in to all ale and lager.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be Director.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.
 
Instead of getting beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

Police chases would be broadcast live, and you could phone-in to advise the police or crooks.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of fuel.

Every man would get four real 'Get Out of Jail Free' cards per year.

When a police officer gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually get you a Discount on the amount you have to pay. As in: Police: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Police: "Nice one.  That's 10% off."

Daisy Duke shorts and hot pants would never again go out of style.

...and Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Geek Helpline

Whatto! Pepys....

My online Karate classes cost me a fortune!

In an effort to assist humanity I am posting a correspondence between myself and a class of person I have come to love and admire from a distance - commonly known as a 'Geek'.
Enjoy!

"Dear Lord Noel, 
I really want to get a girlfriend but I think the fact that I work in a pet shop may be putting them off. My Mum says I should try telling them that I work in a job that suggests I am embroiled in a world of intrigue and excitement.
So I immediately thought of IT! 
Do you think this would be my best ploy?
I do know a reasonable amount about computers and am on a very high level on 'Candy Crush'. 
Yours
Raymond Stutterford (Mr)
Aged 47"


"My dearest Raymondo,
I couldn't help being drawn to your letter. I'm not sure if it was the fascinating manilla colour scheme or the strong smell of rabbits that aroused my attention.... nevertheless here I am at your disposal!
IT can certainly seem like a fascinating employment to the uninitiated person or 'Geek'...
...but I think most women would find it a bit of a 'turn off'
However.....
....there may be a small group of potential female admirers who....
....whilst initially turned off...
...might be turned on again!
So IT could work!
Good Luck!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel"

Lord Noel On Relationship Longevity

Whatto! Pepys....

I often tell people that my wife and I go back a long way....

.... but what I really mean is....

....we've both got big bottoms.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Succinctness

Whatto! Pepys....

Someone recently reminded me that a diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will actually look forward to the trip. It made me think about many other professions and how they each could be described more succinctly......

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.(Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat, which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel