Lord Noel's Free Advice Time

Whatto! Pepys...

Yes it's that time again!
Free advice from ME to YOU (the General Public) on matters that may be concerning your pretty little heads.
Co-incidentally I recently received this desperate email to which I attributed my full attention:

"Dear Lord Noel 
I recently woke up in a field with amnesia, covered in cow shit with my clothing full of straw!
My breath stank badly and all the muscles in my body ached like Hell!
I vaguely remember a tremendously blinding flash - but that's about it.
What the f%%k is going on?
from General Public (HM Armed Forces)"


"Dear General,
Thank you for your question which has received my full attention.
Here is my expert opinion about your predicament:
I believe that if you woke up in a field in the circumstances you described (with amnesia, covered in straw and cow shit) it can only mean ONE thing!
Congratulations! 
You’re probably a scarecrow who's magically come to life!
This calls for a celebration!
Pass me the Jesus Juice!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes 
Lord Noel"