Lord Noel Is Asked A Question

Whatto! Pepys...

Here are the full transcripts of a lovely question sent in by one of my lovely viewers of my lovely yet distinguished Blog, followed by my platitudinously lovely reply. Hope you're feeling the love everyone!


"Dear Lord Noel
Your Highness,
Did you know that California, in Americaland, has the highest rate of both Adultery and Depression?
That, to me, is a Sad State of Affairs!
Yours factually
Ivor Nofrenz

ps. will you be my friend?"

"Dearest Ivy,

Your question reminded me of a recent discussion my good Lady wife and I had together whilst we were shopping inside a local wine merchants.
We were given quite a few free samples of top quality toddy to imbibe and suddenly I felt in the mood for a debate! I kicked off this particular debate by asking my good Lady wife whether she believed that Nudists have the most successful marriages because neither partner wears the trousers and she said to me "Lord Noel, for God's sake shut up!... and put some clothes on!"
I don't remember exactly what I said after that because the Police arrived and took me away - but I do remember my wife calling out to me something about "Maybe this will bring you back to reality!?" (She was of course, assuming that I'd been there before). The Police were very polite and courtious and made me feel very wanted by taking my photograph (I ordered three copies) and my fingerprints (apparently I will have a long and happy life and then meet a tall dark stranger in a wine merchants who will whisk me away - so I will henceforth be very wary of anyone carrying whisks).
Then they painlessly extracting some of my rare and sought after DNA through my front hole (mouth) doubtless with a view to cloning me at some point in the future! (I pretended to be flattered).
I was then called a Psychiatrist (which is something I hate being called) and I was told to join them in an interview room - so I handcuffed their wrists together.
At one point (to liven things up a bit) I said to them "If this is a Police Interview then I want to see my Solicitor - I know my rights Copper!"
In retrospect I can see that this was probably a bad way to start the interview and was probably the reason why I didn't end up getting the job.
They then proceded to play Psychological tricks on me like bringing me nice drinks, followed swiftly by badly made drinks. At one point I had two unfinished cups of coffee in front of me - and then it dawned on me! This was the old 'good cup, bad cup' routine!
The Psychiatrist finally arrived and I was told by them that sometimes talking is a good thing to do and I said "Not when you're underwater!" and they said "A problem shared is a problem halved" and I said "Not if it's a sexually tranmitted disease".
Anyway we had a lovely chat and I told them I was a Freemason and they let me go.
I was given a small packet of pills to take but I don't like to take medicine so I ended up wanting to throw them away but I was afraid a small adult might find them and take them so I ended up hiding them in my wife's handbag where everything is lost forever(she can never find anything in there).
Don't you just hate it when you're out shopping and your wife gives you her handbag to hold and it doesn't match anything you're wearing?
Yuk!
And in answer to your second question...No.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel"