Lord Noel's - Tips for Old People

What ho! Pepys.....

Although he had the most interesting hat, Brian was far less fun when he died.

A number of old people (3 of whom are still almost alive) have contacted me for advice on how to survive in this busy and violent modern world. They say things like "Lord noel...I'd like to know....now what was it?.....Hold on....I'll think of it....Ooooh I had it then....oooooh what's that over there?", so here are my:

Top Tips for Old People.

1.  To save your money why not promise to ring people at specific times of the day and then don't bother? They will then ring YOU to find out what is wrong and you can then have the conversation at their expense!

2. Try ringing Insurance companies on their freephone numbers to tell them that your roof has blown off. You will then be able to have a nice long chat over a cup of tea with a very helpful young operative before signing off with "I'm sorry I was mistaken."

3. You can easily improve the quality of your junkmail by filling in any questionaires you get sent and ticking the 'Income' box for 'Over£60,000' .

4. Why not save money on all that constant wear and tear on your front door hinges by only opening the door a tiny amount?

5. To 'waste not want not' just keep a handy roll of sellotape next to the toilet so you can stick back any extra squares of loo roll you tear off by mistake.

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel