Lord Noel Says - What?

What ho! Pepys...

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. 

The man realizes that he can't find the rake.

He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man yells louder, "I NEED THE RAKE."

His wife still can't hear him and says, "What?"

The man then points to his eye, points to his knee, and then makes a raking motion. 

The wife replies that she understands and signals back.

She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then

she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin hell

was that?"

She replies... "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Has No More Jokes

What ho! Pepys...

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? 

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee? 

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? 

The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive? 

Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? 

Doughnuts

Why is sex a lot like air? 

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde? 

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control? 

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 

10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 

45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? 

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins? 

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? 

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? 

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? 

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? 

Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? 

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? 

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? 

Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car 

only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? 

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? 

A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby? 

They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? 

A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? 

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? 

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Does Time

What ho! Pepys...

Here in the UK we like to Celebrate the end of the year by 'putting our clocks back' one hour. We have always done this ever since clocks were invented and nobody quite remembers why. Some people believe it was done because there was a growing hatred for clockmakers back then - after all it was because of them that we ended up having to get to places on time! Some people would have you believe it is still done today to help the farmers who like getting up early - but not too early - others say it's because of the schoolchildren - who love going to school in the dark - others say it's for the benefit of cows and chickens - who don't even wear watches!
Creating time shift differences like this as Halloween approaches helps us get ready to celebrate the new year. And there are going to be several people who sincerely wish they could put also the clock back. They are so called 'celebrities' who enjoyed hanging around with Sir James Saville otherwise known as 'the wretched old sex perv'. They would have been people who, at the time, were enjoying a great deal of adoration and attention from younger children - some of whom they went on to get far too close to. Their time has finally come. The system which has protected the now 'old pervs' for so long has moved on. The Police investigation so far has revealed many of them who are now lining up to be questioned and also a paedophile ring which was operating in none other than the British Parliament with deliberate cover ups being orchestrated by the then Prime Minister and Illegal Warmonger Tony Blair (that's why the papers surrounding the Dumblain shooting incident have been made 'secret' and unrevealable under the Freedom of Information Act for 100 years!).
In this time of celebration of death I feel it is only my duty to reveal to you that Sir James Saville may not be dead at all! I know we all saw a coffin being buried on TV but who amongst us actually checked that he was indeed inside? The following extract from an 1857 newspaper leads me to believe that James Saville may be either a Time Traveller or ....worse still - one of the Undead! In which case....we are still not safe!

Happy Samhain! Y'all
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says Watch It!

What ho! Pepys...

Today I met a chap in town who told me he could sell me lots of traditional men's timepieces at extremely low prices...
... but I think he's just a wind up merchant


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Goes To The Dogs

What ho! Pepys...

I have a very good friend who has recently purchased a dog.
Whenever he takes it out he finds that it keeps barking at Common People.
It turns out he's bought a Jarvis Cocker Spaniel.
Speaking of Dogging...
Tonight I'm orf to my first "Doggers Anonymous" meeting.
I'm just wondering whether it would okay to phone them up...
... to ask about the car parking arrangements?


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Individualism

 Whatto! Groups....

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Sainthood

What ho! Pepys..

Did you know?

The naughtiest saint of all was....

St Tobedwithoutanysupper 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Thought For The Day

What ho! Pepys...

It's surprising how educated one can appear...

...just by using a carefully constructed sentence at exactly the right moment...

So Today: Why not try to use this classy euphemism during a conversation?... 

"I'm just going to send some chocolate to the dolphins!"

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel In Da Hood

What ho! Pepys...

I heard today that the famous London attraction Madame Toussauds....

... is opening up another incredibly lifelike display area featuring infamous gangsters....

It's going to be called....

... the House of Whacks.

Tallyho!  

Best Wishes - Lord Noel



Lord Noel's Political Viewpoint

What ho! Pepys...

I am often surprised by how animated people become around election time.
It seems that a period of four years helps everyone forget all the reality of the situation they face and suddenly become all misty eyed about another new face who they will inevitably end up hating.
They also seem to actually believe that they are being given a choice of Candidates to chose from!
What they don't seem to realise that it really doesn't matter who gets voted in -
NOTHING WILL CHANGE!
Think about it for a moment...
Just remind yourself of some past leaders you've had - and all the lies they told you in order to get you to vote them into office.
Then ask yourself "As a result of them being voted in - What really changed?"
It's just the same journey with a different Captain at the helm.
It will always ends up with the same outcome...
...you spend your life chasing paper and metal that you honestly believe will make you happier than you are already and in the process the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
Which is exactly as it should be!
Keep up the good work!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel



Lord Noel's Thought For Today

What ho! Pepys...

Here's something profound that I learned from a Gentleman clown during my visit to our local Circus on Lady Jacqueline's Birthday...
He said to me...

"Lord Noel! Before you start criticising clowns...

...you should try walking a mile in their shoes."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Schooling

What ho! Pepys...

At breaktimes Teachers saw their Staffroom as a 'place where they could unwind'

I vividly remember... 

my first day at school. 

To overcome my shyness...

I just pictured everyone totally naked.

Then I kept giving this fat kid a dead arm...

...until he cried. 

I was never really cut out for teaching.

Tallyho! 

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Losing it

What ho! Pepys...

"Oh God," Lady Jacqueline suddenly sighed audibly one morning...

... "Sometimes, Lord Noel, I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

I looked up from the newspaper, smiling sweetly and commented, "Lady Jacqueline I'm really not surprised...

... every day for the past twenty years you've been giving me a piece of it"

I woke up some hours later on the floor.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Matchmaker

Whatto! Peeps...

"Dear Lord Noel

I long to meet the right woman..

someone who understands the 'inner me'..

and who can add enrichment..

to my life...

Can you help?

Ray Guneyes"

"Dear Ray

Have you tried Stalking? 

I know several people who've met 

some high profile Celebrities that way

...so it obviously works.

You can also tell a lot about a person 

just by finding out their favourite book...

stealing their phone 

and reading their texts.

You're Welcome!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Little Known Pop Facts

What ho! Pepys...

He was a real Star in the Pop World...

...but DID YOU KNOW?

Adam Ant's original name was Adam Andrex....

...and he had an obsession with toilet paper?...

His obsession even spilled over.. 

...into two of his songs...

... 'Prince Charmin' and 'Goody Tissues'.

You're Welcome!

Tallyho! 

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Follows The Signs

What ho! Pepys...

It's nice when signs turn out to be useful...

...rather than adding to the graffiti of our lives.

Some signs are brilliant at being able to foretell the future...

...whilst others seem to be designed purely to create anxiety...

...in disabled people...

...or offer an easy solution...

...to a disgruntled parent...

Others....

...well...they're simply baffling...

I prefer signs that are very specific...

...that way there's less chance of confusion...

...or conversely - signs that create confusion...

...just for the sheer hell of it...

...but the best ones...

...are those that just make you stop...

...and think...

Above all else it is important to properly read the sign...

...and exactly what it is saying to you...

...which is when I call upon all my training whilst in The Ministry...

especially when I have to deal with all the exciting daily news around me...

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Tarot Reading - Ace of Wands

Whatto! Peeps...

This card signifies that you may soon be in great personal Danger!

If you are wise today, you won't go out at all....
....and especially not to any parts of the countryside!

If you do - you may find yourself ...
...beaten to death by a passing cloud!

You're Welcome...

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Family Letters

What ho! Pepys...

The Letter:

Dear Parent$,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all the $tuff you've $upplied, I $imply can`t think of anything el$e I need. $o if you wi$h, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love and be$t wi$hes,

Your $on

..........................................................

The Reply:

Dear Son,

Thanks for letting us kNOw how you are doing. I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad
.................................................

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Pops One

What ho! Pepys...

Lord Noel here....
...with (for once) a very serious question for all of my avidly attractive  readers out there in virtuality land.
I need to ask you quite sincerely "Are you someone who is plagued by Sadness?"
If you are plagued by sadness...
Are you also someone who can't afford to purchase all of those expensive antidepressants?
Well...
I have a solution that may be tailor-made for just you!
Why not just try drinking 'No More Tears' shampoo instead?

You're welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel



Lord Noel's Thought For Today

Whatto! Peeps...

I will always remember something that our sweet, young,

cocaine addicted Portuguese cleaner once said to me...

She said... 

"Lord Noel...if we all come from dust...

..and we all go back to dust...

..why do we bother dusting?"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Asks "Did You Know?"

Whatto! Peeps...

I know that right now, all over the UK, young ish people have begun their student year and will be trying to settle down to studying in their cramped little squats, many of them spending hours each night praying for forgiveness after sqaundering most of their parents income on a course that will eventually lead to massive debt and the likelihood of prolonged unemployment. It's at times like this that they truly need their prayers answered. and this will only happen if they pray to the correct Saint.

Did You Know? ...The patron saint of students is St. Udents.

You're welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gets Withdrawal Symptoms

What ho! Pepys...

You know what I hate?
I hate being at a cash machine.
(Otherwise known as an ATM or 'Hole in the wall' in some countries)
Especially when someone I don't know is standing behind me...
... watching over me.
They may not even be watching me...
...or trying to memorise my PIN number.
(Which should either be wriiten as PIN or PI Number if you were being a Pedant about it)
It just makes me feel very nervous....
...and keen to leave as soon as possible.
So whenever I find that I'm in the queue standing behind someone else....
I try to put myself in THEIR shoes...
and wonder what I can do to put them at ease and...
..... let them know that I'm not a threat to them.
Today I put a nice young Lady at ease...
...by softly licking her neck.
You should try it too!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Shops Locally

What ho! Pepys...

I was in town recently visiting our locally run 'not for profit' food store and I decided to buy some interestingly pitted cooking apples that I had never seen before.
Mick, who works behind the small counter as a volunteer, said "What a good choice you've made!" as the apples were grown by HIM. He told me about his orchard with 30 different trees each of which provided some of his favourite different fruits that he had accumulated over the years. The only 'down side' being that he only has one tree of each variety so when the fruit's gone - that's it until next year.
"If you have all those fruit trees than you must have bees too?" (to pollinate them all) I ventured and he told me
"I don't, but a man named Jeff owns some hives and put some in the orchard for me - he does this all over the area in any suitable spaces he can find".
"Does he also supply honey?" I asked
"Yes" Mick replied "Jeff's quite a character. He used to live on a longboat and now he lives in a caravan by the beach and sells honey and brews beer."
He pointed out Jeff's honey and beer on a nearby shelf and I bought some - purely because I liked the sound of this chap already.
"Apparently he's started advertising 'Tours of the brewery' recently" Mick added "Even though it's literally just a tiny brick building beside his caravan!"
This is exactly the sort of interesting local conversation I could NEVER have had in a faceless 'Super' market.
See what you're missing?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On TV

What ho! Pepys...

I enjoy a period drama as much as the next man...
...but that's enough of wife's menstral moodswings.
The thing that annoys me most of all about the popular Television series 'Downton Abbey'...
.... is all of the historical inaccuracies it displays.
Nuns would never have lived like that.


Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Makes Medicine Easy

What ho! Pepys...

People think that being trained as a Doctor is really difficult work.

Well I'm not even a proper Doctor 

but even I know that a man's body parts 

are organised in alphabetical order 

which is why you will find his perineum 

located between the anus and the scrotum.

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Claim To Fame

What ho! Pepys...

Have you ever had a Custard Pie thrown in your face?
Was it your fault?
Even if it was your fault...
Many people who have been subjected to these kind of humiliating workplace practices
...may now be entitled to compensation.
We will take up your case on a no-win no-fee basis so you needn't be out of pocket!
For a confidential telephone consultation
Call us NOW on 0845 PIEFACE

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel