Lord Noel's Guaranteed Weight Loss System

What ho! Pepys...

I've finally come up with an absolutely foolproof plan

that GUARANTEES fat women will loose weight!

It's a revolutionary new idea
based on an inexpensive lip-stick

which I like to call 'superglue'

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says - Beer Can Change You!

What ho! Pepys...

In what Scientists have described as "A significant breakthrough" they reveal the results of recently completed tests which suggest that beer contains small traces of female hormones which, if taken in large enough quantities, can seriously affect men's metabolisms!

Apparently it doesn't happen with Champagne or Armagnac! 
Phew! What a relief!

Over a two week period the scientists gave groups of 100 men 10 pints of beer each evening and then observed the effects. They found that 100% of them gained weight and talked excessively without making sense, became more emotional, and couldn't drive!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Inquiring Mind

What ho! Pepys...

I love to question everything...

....Don't I?

But sometimes by doing so, it's very easy to overlook the obvious...

For example...

If God had meant us to fly...

...surely he would first have to exist?

And when a friend of mine told me that his girlfriend was coy 

I thought she was just very shy -  

....but he meant that she was actually a fish!

All these things really bother me....

...and right now I just can't help thinking about the Hokey Cokey...

...what if it IS what it's all about?

Tallyho?!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel?!

Lord Noel On American Politics

What ho! Pepys...

If Mitt Romney is elected by the American people in November (as the Bilderberg Group have already decided) it will be just like when Bush was elected - the American taxpayers will receive a 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll try to explain it using a Q and A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up and listen.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )


Conclusion:

Support America! Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
 

Lord Noel On Painting With Nature

What ho! Pepys...

If you run out of paints and fancy making a lovely picture - why not use Nature itself?
You can't improve on Nature but you can rearrange it to appreciate it's beauty from a different angle.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Makes A Capital Purchase

What ho! Pepys...

Today I have become the proud owner of one of these delightfully clever machines:

That's not my hand in the picture - mine are much more hairy but I'm really excited about this new purchase and can't wait to get started on making some interestingly shaped cones and wafers for my new Emporium!

Just listen to me.... I'm Waffling!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Ice Cream Survey

What ho! Pepys....

You may be delighted to know that I am leaning more steadily towards the Business Name:
'Lord Noel's Icicle Bicycle - The deliciously celebrated, & well travelled Ice cream Emporium'
I think it's original and snappy and rolls off the tongue nicely...rather like a melting ice cream.
To assist me in my quest for customer satisfaction I am asking you to help me out by answering the following question in my scientifically generated 'Ice Cream - consumer habits' survey...

If you were a free thinking individual with a mind of your own and outside on a nice sunny day...
...which way would you like to eat your ice cream (or frozen yogurt)?

The choices are:

A. Traditional cone.

B. Waffle Cone.

C. In a clear plastic cup as a sundae.

D. Sandwiched between Cookies as a wafer.

You can respond by adding a comment or simply ticking one of the four boxes below

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On The Nuclear Family

What ho! Pepys...

Yesterday I assisted a sweet young local woman who needed to claim some State benefits for herself and her large family. We walked into the Benefits Office, trailed by her 15 children and naturally drew attention to ourselves. I left her to speak to the official alone whilst I stayed with the younger ones and read my newspaper and as I did so I listened to the conversation which took place.

As she reached the counter the social worker exclaimed, "are they all yours?"

"Yes, they are all mine," the frustrated mother sighed, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "sit down Terry." And all the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Terry and the girls are all named Terri."

In disbelief, the case worker says, "are you serious? They're all named Terry?"

Their mother replied, "well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, Terry! and when it's time for dinner, I just yell Terry! and they all come a running. And if
I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles his forehead and says tentatively, "but what if you just want one child to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then, I just call them by their last names."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says - You Can Be Sure Of Shell!

What ho! Pepys...

Charles Wiwa, 44, fled Nigeria in 1996 following a crackdown on protests against Shell’s oil operations in the Niger Delta. Wiwa and other natives of the oil-rich Ogoni region claim Shell was eager to stop protests in the area and was complicit in Nigerian government actions that included fatal shootings, rapes, beatings, arrests and property destruction.
He said an American court is the only place the Ogonis can seek accountability.
“Nigeria gets so much money from oil. There is no way the company will be held liable for anything in courts in Nigeria,’’ Wiwa said. He now lives in Chicago, having been allowed into the United States as a political refugee.
In the most notorious incident of the crackdown, Nigeria’s military dictatorship hanged author Ken Saro-Wiwa and eight other activists, sparking international outrage.
The Alien Tort Statute being used to bring this action in America lay unused for most of American history until rights lawyers dusted it off beginning in the late 1970s. Lawsuits have been brought against individuals who allegedly took part in abuses and, more recently, against companies that do business in places where abuses occur and in the United States.
“The corporations have a lot of money and are very attractive targets,’’ said Northwestern University law professor Eugene Kontorovich, an expert in international law. “The idea is that they were in bed with the countries concerned.’’
Corporations and human rights groups are now ready to square off in a Supreme Court fight over whether foreign victims of war crimes, killings and other atrocities can haul multinational companies into American courts and try to prove they were complicit in the abuses and should pay damages.
The rights groups say a 223-year-old law gives foreigners such as Nigerian-born Charles Wiwa the right to try to hold businesses accountable for the roles they play in atrocities. Energy and mining companies have been among the most frequent targets of these lawsuits in recent years following efforts by the military in Indonesia, Nigeria and elsewhere to clamp down on protests against oil and gas exploration and development.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes (and good luck Charles!) - Lord Noel

Lord Noel High Seas Creatures

Whatto! Peeps....

When I discovered that some of the eels went electric...
I was totally shocked

And just when I thought things really couldn't get any worse...

...along came the conga

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Manifesto

What ho! Pepys...

I'd like to propose to you my Manifesto for a better tomorrow:

Banish wisdom, discard knowledge,

Then the people will benefit a hundred times.

Banish human love, just dump righteous, moral justice,

And then the people will be dutiful and recover deep love of their kin.

Banish cunning and skill, dispel profit; dismiss utility,

Then thieves and robbers will disappear.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Sees An Ice Age Approaching

What ho! Pepys...

As a result of a recent brainstorming session (the results of which will shortly give you an idea of the quality of the brains which were stormed) the following ideas (thanks to the imbibing of mild hallucinogenics) were finally put forward as future names for my one man visionary travelling ice cream emporium (actually the Travelling Ice Cream Emporium is a very good suggestion!)
Anyway - they seemed to fall into several different categories so I have filed them away for your ease and pleasure.

So here are tonight's finalists!

Filmic:-

Sixth Sense Ice's - Icy Dead Popsicles!

Suggestive:-

Lord Noel's Luscious Licks - Once tasted there's no going back! 
Suck Me and Lick One! Lick Me Real Good!
(I was on a bit of a roll at this point)
Noelie No-Pants (Lady Jacqueline's suggestion - I believe she may have lost interest around now)
Ice Age - I'm coming weather you like it or not!
The Heavy Creamer (I can just hear them lining the streets excitedly yelling out - 'Here he comes!'

Local Interest:-

Norfolk & Goode Ice Creams - a locally sauced jokette, totally choco with amusement
Iceni Ices - from the ancient tribe who once frequented this area - with the added attraction of being able to dress as Bodecia and branch into a very unique product line later on - horse milk!
Added to that would be the extra dimension of excitement in the appearance of me on my bicycle which could be greatly enhanced by the addition of large daggers sticking out from the wheels of the bicycle as I cycle through the high streets slicing up tiny children
That one nearly fell into this next category so it qualifies for either.

Attention Grabbing:-

Pol Ice - with the cart made up in Police livery - flashing blue light! You could turn up anywhere and soon draw a crowd of rubber neckers who are exactly the sort of people who might be drawn into purchasing a creamed ice from a passing cyclist....they love looking at anything that's just been creamed.
Ice Lord! with me in a suitably HeMan style outfit (plus sword) to draw all the injured kids back - OR a more sinister approach with everything painted black and me dressed up like a vampire funeral director in tails and top hat - a cross between Victoriana and Fairground Gothic with that beautiful gold, red, black and green Steam age hand lettering on the side of the cart.
....and on a similar vain vein...
Eco Ice Warrior - featuring the 'Saviour of the Planet' (me!) through the medium of frozen yogurt

Clever Word Usage:-

Conspir Ices - featuring a logo of the hovering eye of Thoth within a sinister triangle. Simply a 'must' for all Freemasonry Do's!
Leading us nicely to another Ghia worshipping favourite - Isis Ices
and....

The Yog Kart - geddit?
Terribly Tastycles - 'I think this redefines the pitching level for us here at Ices Inc' - which could be a Cartoon based presentation and livery....with cartoon sound effects instead of a traditional ice cream man tune.
The Chill or Cold Cycle - Clearly the intoxicants were beginning to wear orf at this point - not sure if this was meant to be...... like a very cold..... washing machine?
....and finally my own personal favourite (along with the newly invented 'Lord Noel's Travelling Ice Cream Emporium')
The Icicle Bicycle - coz it rhymes!


Tallyho!
Best Wises - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Self Amusement

What ho! Pepys...

Trindletharp worried that, despite his best efforts, he wasn't fitting in at the Bakery Shop

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Death

What ho! Pepys...

It has been said that after one dies there are seven minutes of electrical energy left within the human brain. During those seven minutes you can experience your entire life over again in a kind of dream-like state. And because in such a dream, time is stretched, how does one know if one is really alive or merely experiencing that seven minutes of dreaming?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel