Friday, 30 December 2011

Lord Noel's New Year Dating Tips For Ladyees

What ho! Lady Pepys...
Two over active people expressing their love...awwwwwwwww!

Love!....awwwwwwww!
Ladies...Isn't it a lovely feeling?
I know many of you will be thinking about starting orf the impending New Year...
...by finding someone new to love.
But please remember that the person you 'get orf with' on New Year's Eve may well be drunk...
...and not in full control of their faculties...
...they may even forget your name or to call you the next day!
Worse still...you could get paralytic and end up on the kerb showing the world your pants...
...and appearing in some viral ad for Barclaycard!
NO! In order to love someone real and non-virtual
- you first have to meet them somewhere they (and you) are likely to be sober.
We asked 100 members of our studio audience....
....and the top three places to meet men are:
1.Gym
2. DIY store
3. Supermarket

Once you have met the man you may then want to spend more time with him...
...so that he seems like less of a stranger to you.
If you are planning to meet with this stranger for the first time...
...then you will find that you are going out on what is called a 'date'
In order for this first date to be a 'success'...
...it's important that you observe these very important but simple rules...
Good Luck!
Love!...awwwwwwwwwwwww!




Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's New Found Resolve

What ho! Pepys...


Normally at this time of year people make resolutions...
...that they intend to carry out for the rest of the new year.
Mine is quite simple...
I must stop strangling my mother!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday, 29 December 2011

Lord Noel In The Company Of Many Wenches

What ho! Pepys...

Xmas has been fabulously Festive this year...

This strumpet vied for my affections for most of the evenin'g
A good time to give cheers to the parrot who sacrificed his feathers for the old tricorn

...in the true meaning of the word Fiesta...

Tain't nothin' betterrr than a pinto'ale in ye tankard
Aharrrrrrrrrr
All at once...the ale house was full of buxom wenches
Some of the strumpets sang for their supper all right!

...many people have dressed up and let their hair down...

Annie was by far the most frightening lady I have ever met
Lord Noel and companion pose for ye papperazzie
Ahairrrr guitar in action
...a goodly many of them fine, firm wenches! With lots of parties to go to...

The room is buzzing...with the odour of ye olde chypps
Lord Noel gives ye crowd a moving rendition of 'What shall we do with ye drinken' saylor?'
Ye groopies await Lord Noels encore with unbridled excytment
Lord Noel is triumphant yet again!

Ye wenches dedicate a worshipful song to Lord Noel
...and full of people drinking and singing into the night...

All Bally Good Stuff!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Lord Noel's Feasticus Maximus

Whatto! Eaters...


I do enjoy a lovely feast.
And Xmas has been one long food fest from start to finish!
I always like to reduce the main section of the meal to fourteen courses 
so that one still has some room for a delicious treat 
of a Cheese and port finale!
The marvelous tastes of the port and cheese...
mingled in my mouth with the crisp water biscuit really takes some beating.
But I have learnt to be gentle when cutting cheese...
... because some of them crumble. 
Caerphilly does it!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Lorde Noele on PANTOSEX!

What ho! Pepys...

At this time of year my life can become quite embarassing...
You see - I keep getting 'Panto' and 'Porno' mixed up! 
All I know is that in one of them I get dressed up as a woman...
...and everyone shouts "It's behind you"
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday, 26 December 2011

Lord Noel Surveys The Yuletide Aftermath

What ho! Pepys...


Did you contribute towards this year's Turkey Armageddon?
I know it's traditional to slaughter as many Turkeys as possible...
...but what people don't realise is that AFTER Xmas...
...the same thing happens to Rudolph's friends!



Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday, 25 December 2011

Lord Noel Asketh "Hast Thou Found Jesus?"

Whatto! Peeps...


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Lord Noel Opens A Xmas Window

What ho! Pepys...

Today I opened another window on my Lord Noel 'Advent Calendar'...
and found this lovely picture of the Baby Jesus being visited by one of the three wise spiders.
Even better than yesterdays picture of a field littered with dead Christmas trees.... 
...with a Gothic Faery standing over them wielding a chainsaw!
Now I definitely feel all Xmassy
Have a good one! 

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday, 23 December 2011

Lord Noel Wyshes Ye All Hail Fore Yuletide

What ho! Pepys...


Being now a Man of considerable leisure...
I venture to saye that
I shall be enjoying the Xmas peryod at home withe my good lady wyfe.


For entertaynment I have employ'ed the servyces
of ae muchly taleynted 'Snurd Mangler'

Master Klive displayes his unearthly skills on his Snurd Mangling Mashiine
...who haf promysed to amuse both myselff and my gud ladye wyfe
with unGodly playing on his confownded instrewment
into the earlie hours of Crystmas Daye itself!

The rest of yew
can alle go strayt to Belzibub!

Ye Satan speaketh "Please form ye orderly queue - there be plenty enough room for everyone!"

Whilst I dine on exotic meayt
of various delycious creaturs 
on account of beying on a dyet of high prowteen
whilst my Ladye wyfe will consume Gods sweet vegetbuls

Ye Lorde Noel feasting on xmas byrd "Yum Yum!. Thou be next Tiddles!"


Tallyho!
Best Wishes for ye Yuletide Season!
Lord Noel &c Lady Jacqueline.

(Sponsored by Lord Noel's Chrystmasse Tyde Chutneyee)

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Lord Noel Speaketh Of Thy Xmasse Preseynt

What ho! Pepys...

Do you like surprises?
I know I do...
But this Xmas...
...if you're wrapping presents for people who hate surprises...
...maybe because they have weak heart...
....I've found that an ideal substitute for wrapping paper is...
...Clingfilm
You're Welcome.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Lord Noel On The Season Of Taking

What ho! Pepys...


This week we visited a relative 
and I asked their extremely spoilt daughter 
"What would you like for Xmas?" 
She immediately shouted at me "A Teletubby!" 
She's fifteen so I asked her "Aren't you a bit old for that?" 
And she yelled "Why would I be too old for a TV, Fatso?!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel


Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Lord Noel's 'Health Alert!' - Number 75

What ho! Pepys...

This Woman Has Crabs!
And as if that wasn't enough!...
Her Government has forced her to wear a rectangular badge...
...to alert the General Public to her condition.
She was only a Fishmonger's wife...
...and she often said "My husband has no idea how to fillet!"
 You have been warned!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday, 19 December 2011

Lord Noel Finds A Word For It

Whatto! Peeps...


Each passing day 
I'm coming to terms 
with my dictionary fetish.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Lord Noel Meets Fans Of His Amazing Voice

What ho! Pepys...


We had yet another successful Karaoke night at our local pub
and all my adoring and loyal fans were there 
to enjoy hearing me sing some selected tracks 
from my forthcoming album.
I'm now getting quite used to performing on stage
and also being told by total strangers 
that my voice is 'Indescribable' and 'Like nothing I've ever heard before'.  
One gorgeous blonde came up to me for an autograph
after I'd just finished doing one of my 'Greatest Hots' 
(as I like to call them)
...just at the point where I'm sure I sounded exactly like Jon BonJovi!
She told me "I do a great impersonation of that Imran Khan's ex-wife."
"Jemima?" I suggested helpfully
"No" she replied, "I just do her voice."


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday, 17 December 2011

Lord Noel Confronts Your Fears

What ho! Pepys...

Our Doctors are just too busy to see any more Patients
so I am offering this online service to viewers of this blog
completely FREE OF CHARGE
in an effort to 'give something back' to the Community 
that owes me so much already.
Here's another letter I squeezed from my bulging spam box

Dear Lord Noel
I enjoy using my hands a lot.
I like hitting things with them.
Really Hard!
Now my hands are really sore from punching a tree.
Can I please have a picture of you to punch?
I hate you!
Help me!
Pete Punchdrunk


Dear Peter
Thanks for taking some 'time out'
from your obviously busy schedule to write to me
As you asked I enclose a full sized photo of myself 
from my 'swimwear collection'
My Medical advice to you is that
if your hands are sore from fisting, 
why not try pussy-footing?

You're Welcome

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday, 16 December 2011

Lord Noel's Joy For Your Jaded Palate

What ho! Pepys...


I've enjoyed many a potato...
and I've also enjoyed countless dumplings...
so I thought I'd combine the two and try...
a 'Potato Dumpling'!
Potato dumplings may seem like a strange concept  to the uninitiated
but with this particular dish my advice is 
"Don't gnock them until you try them."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday, 15 December 2011

Lord Noel on Super Modelling & Bras

What ho! Pepys...

I so would...

I just had to share this with you....
It's the advert from the Dutch department store Hema 
which has caused massive controversy with their new lingerie campaign.
The gorgeous 20-year-old Serbian-born, Australian-raised supermodel Andrej Pejic...
...is no stranger to modelling womenswear...
and this campaign features their amazing 'Push up' bra
...which is why this campaign is already being hailed as 'revolutionary'.
REASON?
Because Andrej Pejic...
...is a man!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Lord Noel's New Dating Centre at Your Service!

What ho! Pepys...

Lord Noel's Dating Centre For Caring Professionals 

Our latest applicant is 'Heston' a 32 year old male...
...who likes taking care of himself..
..he writes:

"Dear Lord Noel,
I am a Tantric yoga instructor and harpist living in London but travelling frequently to Asia...
...I long for a more settled existence...
...with a more mature lady who is willing to share her dreams with me...
...and allow me to spend time giving her some of the pleasure she deserves from life...
Yours kindly
Heston Randolphus"

"Dear Heston.
Thank you for writing to me!
I will certainly give your ad an airing...
...but I fear that there may not be as much demand as you expect.
I'll run your appeal for a week...
...but I really don't hold out much hope..
I already have far too many applicants like you on my books... .
...sorry old chap."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Lord Noel Giveth More Free Advyce

What ho! Pepys...


In my continuing battle to save the NHS 
I offer more FREE medical advice to those who can ill afford it.

"Dear Lord Noel,
I love organising special treats for myself on my days off.
This week I went to Newmarket Horse Races 
to enjoy my treat there.
Do you ever get half way through eating a horse 
and think to yourself, 
“I’m not as hungry as I thought I was."?
I'm as confused as a fat bitch with a salad.
Are you not going to finish that potato?
Rosalind Tussocks"


"Dear Rosalind.
I have found that people such as yourself
generally fall into one of two categories.
If you're always organizing things, you have OCD. 
If you're always eating things, you have OBCD.
You - you greedy bugger - have both!

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday, 12 December 2011

Lord Noel on Product Placement

What ho! Pepys...


The war is over..
...and the Lybian people are already demanding better products from the West.
"These doormats are very popular but the quality is poor"
...said one chap called 'Rebel'

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Lord Noel's Update on a Newly Ordered World

What ho! Pepys...

Those of you who are interested in following the developments leading to the formation of a New World Order will be pleased to know that things are progressing nicely in America who are at the forefront of developments.
Thanks to the very close links forged between Politicians and leading members of the Financial Community we are almost ready for the Banks to pull the final plug on currency worldwide allowing it to plummet dramatically in value. It is highly likely that all currencies will all drop to pre-war German levels - i.e virtually worthless.
The single 'One World' currency will be ready to replace all the present currencies (on the obvious understanding that major changes will have to be made to current arrangements).
Is your name on the list?...Coz if it isn't....you can't join in.

Mass panic should of course, result - allowing the Government to swiftly instigate Martial Law and quickly remove all belligerents and trouble-makers from the streets.
There will be plenty of help from UN Troops (now fully trained in forced entry and search of civilian property) assisted by specially authorised Civilians. Detainees will be taken to the many FEMA camps now in operation around the United States. These camps also have a huge capacity and are close to railway lines for ease of transportation.

But let us not be complacent, there are still plenty of things to be done before we reach that stage. A Nuclear World War would quickly bring the other countries of the world into line AND reduce the population in the process. Most of the Nuclear and Germ Warfare attacks can take place using Drones thus removing the need for vital Military Personnel to be overseas whilst things get busy in the USA, although a high rate of casualties in a War arena would undoubtably assist us to reach the desired population levels much sooner. Things would go smoother in America if the number of guns in existence were dramatically reduced. So plans are currently underway to purchase American Gun store chains with a view to removing all weapons thus making Policing of the dissident population less dangerous for State personnel when the time comes.


Thanks to the legislatative changes that have already been put in place, all of these changes can be easily and swiftly enforced whenever necessary by a simple signature from The President.
In the unlikely event (after World War and orchestrated financial depression) that the population do not riot, it is felt that a mass Health Emergency (like a foot and mouth outbreak) could easily be created to facilitate the necessity for Martial Law. There are now so many research laboratories spread throughout America that one of these could easily experience a 'leak' at the most opportune moment. I was pleased to see that the unreliable facility on New York's Plum Island is being moved to Kansas where it can inflict far greater impact.
The underground facility at Denver will be used solely for Government and Leaders who will govern from there using the mobile FEMA command and control modules which are currently stored awaiting initiation by Authorities.

Obviously the FEMA camps have a capability to terminate large numbers of inmates if required (using simple asphyxiation methods with gas systems already installed).
It is hoped that either: similar camps can be created elsewhere in the World or that large numbers of people can be shipped across to America to 'assist with the disaster'. My preferred option would be to bring the equipment from America to implement similar schemes throughout the World.
The Inspirational 'Georgia Guidestones'

Obviously once the target World population of (maximum) 500,000,000 people (detailed above on the Georgia Guidestones) has been reached (requiring a reduction of nine tenths from our present level) there will no longer be a need for military staff. But by then they will have made their ultimate sacrifice for the good of the New World which will result from their heroic actions. Microchips and inoculations are a simple way to achieve this final objective, supplemented by the toxic effects of the Chemtrails experiments and drinking water additives being carried out at present.


The New World will be one of Peace and well being for all who wish it, with technology providing for all foreseeable needs (similar to those outlined in the Venus project) .
There will be no need for wars or weapons as all world resources will be controlled by the Leading Elite for the good of all.
Population growth and movement will be controlled by the implanted microchip everyone will be required to have fitted for identification purposes and to enable free travel anywhere in the world.
The Garden of Eden will be ours once more!

Not long now!
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel


Saturday, 10 December 2011

Lord Noel Advises Scotland

What ho! Pepys...


So many people run away each year
to be secretly married at Gretna Green...
...because it's naughty, secretive and exciting!
Well I believe that Scotland could easily cash in again...
...on a so far untapped section of the wedding market!
Why not make a romantic centre for gay marriages?...
...in the Hebrides?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel