Lord Noel on Wordlyness

Whatto! Americans & Wordsmiths....

....Lord Noel here....

I would like to wish all our American cousin peeps a very happy July the 4th...
...and hope that you all enjoy the corresponding celebrations associated with the aforementioned Anniversary.
I couldn't help noticing that you are still using (and slowly destroying I might add) our beautiful English language....whereas I would have expected a truly independent country to have invented it's own language by now?
Noel Coward once said that England and America are "Two countries divided by a common language."
But what would he know?....and he was never a Lord!
Speaking as a Lord I simply love the English language.......
....and before it goes completely 'down the pan' I would like to suggest some new definitions for words which are already in use....
Perhaps all you Yankee chaps and chapesses could slowly introduce them over there for me?
Thanks awfully...
Here they are:

Flabbergasted (adj.), this is when you are appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (n.), an explanation attempted whilst drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), finally realising you're impotent.

Negligent (adj.), when you absent mindedly answer the door in your wife's nightgown.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question in an exam.

Rectitude (n.),the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel