Lord Noel's Tips - For Royal Newlyweds

Whatto! Peeps....

Over the years each one of our wonderful Royal Family has come to me for advice on how to stay married. They have said things like "Lord Noel...how can we possibly stay married?" So, in anticipation of forthcoming marital problematifications I have compiled a list of tips which will hold one happy couple in very good stead.
(For legal reasons I am unable to name the happy couple whose advice this is....but let me just say that we're very much looking forward to seeing you both at the Wedding Reception later today!)

1. Don't worry about those members of the public who may have forked out anything up to £3 for a tasteful commemorative mug of your wedding. If you both split up they can simply substitute one of your faces for a cut-out face of the new partner and 'hey presto!'....bliss is restored! I did this for Princess Anne and Mark Phillips, and also Andrew and Fergie.....and also, come to think of it, Charles and Diana too....though I was always covering Charlie's face with Diana's partners like that England rugby player and Dodi 'Harrods' Whats his name?..... because I just couldn't bear to cut out Camilla's face from my 'Horse and Hound' monthly.

2. Keep your newly wedded love alive by spending some 'quality time' together every week - weighing each other. You can use some simple bathroom scales (or complicated Royal ones) but remember to write down the results on a sheet of paper entitled 'Results'. Not only will this encourage you both to keep in shape, but the successive differences between the weights recorded on the 'Results' sheet will amount exactly to the weight that you have either gained or lost!

3. Many arguments that happen between married couples are over lost personal items. These can easily be avoided by simply threading a long length of string through everything that you have inside your home. Whenever you find you have misplaced something, simply follow the string from beginning to end and eventually you will come across the item you thought had gone missing.

4.  As a result of the massive publicity surrounding your happy day you are both now very well known celebrities. So consider using a simple strip of black cardboard about 6 inches long and 2 inches wide which can easily be worn across your eyes, thus creating the perfect disguise, favoured by lottery winners and those wishing to conceal their identities from prying eyes.

5. You should always buy your new wife lingerie as gifts whenever possible. Then you can surprise your wife by doing something considerate like tidying her underwear drawer while she's out. You should always try on her stockings to check them for ladders and also her bras and suspenders to check for broken clasps. Keep all the defective lingerie you discover somewhere discrete inside your own Royal shed as it can prove very useful in cleaning up paint or other spilled materials.


Tallyho!
Orf to Bally London now for a 'Right Royal' shindig!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Late Addition:
Do you know?...Having now seen how they behave together......I think they'll get on just fine........

That's what happens when you don't specify exactly what they're supposed to kiss