Lord Noel On Wishing

What ho! 

Lord Noel here...

"In gladness 

and in safety, 

may all beings 

be at ease...

Let none, 

through anger 

of ill-will 

wish harm 

upon another. 

So 

with a boundless heart 

should one cherish 

all living 

beings."

--Buddha--

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Expressing Myself

What ho!

Lord Noel here....

 Some years ago I decided to explore Eastern Europe alone.

During my journey I booked a ride on an Intercontinental train service known as 'The Oriental Express' which travels through Turkey.

It was to involve several overnighters so I booked myself a sleeper carriage.

 As I climbed on board the Express with my trusty leather suitcase in my hand.....

 ....I strolled through the beautiful carriages and corridors to find my sleeping compartment.

 Eventually I found it, but inside I also found that a woman I'd never met before was also booked into the same sleeping carriage as me!

 After the initial embarrassment, and a realisation that this was apparently 'quite normal' for Continental people, I decided to try to get some well deserved sleep; the woman taking a bed one side of the carriage, whilst I had the other one.

In the middle of the night the woman suddenly sat up and leaning over from her bunk, spoke down to me....

...(women sometimes did that then as it was before I became a Lord)....

.... "I'm sorry to bother you" she said, "but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

I looked blearily across at her from my bunk and said, with a glint in my eye "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married!"

The woman giggled softly for a moment, then added "Okay!...Why not?".

"Good," I replied.......

...."Get your OWN blanket!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says 'Happy Birthday Mum!'

What ho!

 Mother!

 Here's a little poem to help celebrate Mothers everywhere....

When my prayers were poorly said,

Who tucked me in me widdle bed,

And spanked me till me ass was red?

......Me Mudder

Who took me from me cozy cot

And put me on me ice-cold pot,

And made me pee if I could not?

.....Me Mudder

And when the morning light did come,

me nappy full (an awful humm),

Who'd wipe me tiny widdle bum?

.....Me Mudder

Who'd comb me hair with centre part,

And draw me gently to her heart,

And sometimes hug me till I fart?

.....Me Mudder

Who'd look at me with eyebrows knit,

And have a crazy king size fit,

When in my Sunday pants me shit?

.....Me Mudder

When in the night their bed did squeak,

Me raised me head to have a peek,

Who'd yell at me to "GO TO SLEEP!"?

.....Me Fadder

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel On The Road

 What ho! Pepys...

There are 

only

two

mistakes

one can make

along the

road

to truth;

not going

all the way,

and

not starting. 

(Buddha)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Signs Of The Time

 What ho! Signsters...

 

Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones...at your cervix".

Sign in a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a septic tank truck: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what you fixed."

On another plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a tyre store: "Invite us to your next blowout."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we'll assume you're on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push.... PUSH!... PUSH!"

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a garden gate: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet? - miss a car payment."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes.... Sit!.... Stay!"

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there feeling hungry; come on in and get fed up."

At a radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Ponders Life

What ho! Pepys.....

To what 

shall I compare 

this life 

of ours?
Even before 

I can say
it is like 

a lightning flash 

or 

a dewdrop

...it is 

no 

more.

-- Sengai --

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Finds The Write Words

What ho! Pepys....

An English teacher we know is carrying out extra tuition to children in their home during the holidays.
She told me that she was doing an exercise with three children, Roland, Katie and Melissa last week....
....she asked them all to think of a phrase in which they could use the word "contagious".
Melissa gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Melissa," says the teacher. "Can anyone else think of one?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says when I laugh - it makes her want to laugh too!....she says it's contagious!"

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "How about you Roland?"
Roland jumps up and proudly says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2-inch brush....

....and my dad says it will take the contagious."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Notices Two Reptiles Walk Into A Bar.....

What ho! Pepys....

Lady Jacqueline, my lovely wife and I were on holiday in Barbados when a man entered the local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He set them down on the bar and said to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of."
"Ok," laughed the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?"
My good Lady wife and I looked on in a bemused state as the man whispered something to the frog...

One can immediately tell it is a red eyed tree frog from the label around it's leg

 ...(which I immediately recognised as a red-eyed tree frog)....
....and the frog bally well started singing blue moon!
We all agreed that it was possibly the most amazing natural experience....
...since David Attenboroughs 'Life on Earth' programme....
"That is truly amazing," said the bartender as he reluctantly slapped down $1000 on the bar.
The man snatched up the cash eagerly and then added "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that too."

The barman laughed loudly "Ok, well I now believe a frog can do that, but not the iguana too. You're on!....
....Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner."
The man bent over and whispered something to the iguana.....
.....and it opened it's tiny little mouth, and in a thin high voice....
....sung the Star Spangled Banner!
We all clapped loudly at this second amazing spectacle!
As the bartender handed over another $1000, a businessman came up....
.....and said, "I just saw that iguana singing - and I was amazed! I want to buy it for $100,000."
The owner paused for a second or two as the bar fell silent....
....then he beamed an enormous smile and said "Ok!".....
...there were cheers all round as the owner exchanged the iguana for the money and, as the businessman left, he bought everyone in the bar a drink....including myself and Lady Jacqueline.
Cheers Everyone!

The bartender served the man with a concerned look on his face "What are you nuts?!" he asked.....
....."You could have made millions with that iguana!"
"It's okay! the man winked "The iguana can't sing!......
......The frog's a ventriloquist!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Helen Mirren

What ho! Pepys......

Beautiful British actress Dame Helen Mirren says "filming sex scenes is easy!"

The internationally renowned and hugely talented star insists that filming raunchy sex scenes are no harder than doing the dishes.

The 64-year-old's newest movie, "Love Ranch", sees her writhing around semi-naked in bed with a man almost half her age...

...but Mirren, star of the "Prime Suspect" series on t.v., says "It's just another part of the job - I cannot see what all the fuss is about!"

"It's like filming a scene where you're doing the washing up," laughed the actress who played Queen Elizabeth 2nd.....

"It always seems weird to those outside of our business, but I can walk into a room and be kissing someone I've just met a couple of minutes before.

"It's what you do. You remove yourself. People just mix up real life with what you do on screen but it's completely different."

She says Love Ranch was particularly easy because her husband Taylor Hackford was the director.

"On every level I felt I was in safe hands with my husband," says Mirren, who plays the tough but charismatic madam of a brothel.

"Not just that he wouldn't embarrass me but also that he would make it realistic and natural. I didn't want it to be a fake, romantic soft-lensed moment. I trusted him to make it as true and realistic as possible."

Some of her earlier film roles include: O Lucky Man!, Caligula, Excalibur, 2010, The Long Good Friday,  

White Nights and The Mosquito Coast.

After those appearances she received roles in Belfast-born director Terry George's film Some Mother's Son,  Painted Lady,  The Prince of Egypt and The Madness of King George.

One of her other film roles was in The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover,

Her favourite film is Teaching Mrs. Tingle, in which she plays sadistic History teacher, Mrs Eve Tingle.

Mirren continued her successful film career when she starred more recently in Gosford Park with Maggie Smith and Calendar Girls where she starred with Julie Walters. Other more recent appearances include The Clearing, Pride, Raising Helen, and Shadowboxer. Mirren also provided the voice for the supercomputer "Deep Thought" in the film adaptation of Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. During her career, she has portrayed three British queens in different films and television series: Elizabeth I in the television series Elizabeth I (2005), Elizabeth II in The Queen (2006), and Queen Charlotte, the wife of George III, in The Madness of King George (1994). She is the only actress ever to have portrayed both Queens Elizabeth on the screen.

 Now THAT, Lords & Ladys.....

....is what I call ....

....a DAME!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord noel