Lord Noel Knows It Isn't What You Know....

What ho! Pepys....

When I look back to my younger days....

...I must say that I was a trifle arrogant at times.

My worst fault was probably all the 'name dropping' I used to do all the time.....

...other than that I was perfect.

I remember one occasion when I was lunching with The Duke of Hamptonville...

...who was trying to arrange a charity ball to raise some money for a good cause.

I just happened to say that if he wanted a celebrity guest to attend....

...he should just let me know and I would arrange it.

The Duke was sceptical and asked me "Whom did you have in mind?"

"Anyone!" I responded...."You just tell me who you'ld like to attend and I bet I know them!"

"Really?!" he exclaimed (not totally convinced)....

"Anyone!" I reinforced.

"I bet you don't know Tom Cruise!" said the Duke laughingly.

"Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." I said

So we both flew out to Hollywood and took a taxi to Tom Cruise's front door....

...I knocked loudly and Tom Cruise himself opens the door shouting, "Lord Noel! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, The Duke still seemed sceptical.....

And as we were leaving Tom's house, the Duke tells me "I think that you knowing Cruise was just lucky".

"Not at all!" I exclaim, "just name anyone else," I said.

"While we're in America....how about President Obama?," the Duke quickly retorts.

"Yes!," I said, "We're old buddies, let's fly out to Washington ."

And off we go to the White House.....

....and as we're entering the building, Barack spots me and motions me to come over, saying, "Lord Noel, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend can come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the Duke is now looking quite shaken.

But we enjoy a nice hour chatting and drinking coffee with Barack in The White House.

After we leave the White House grounds the Duke again expresses his doubts to me....

....so I simply implored him to name anyone else that he wished to.

"The Pope," the Duke replies.

I could now see that the Duke's main motivation was to undermine my claim!

...But I had not made it lightly!

"Sure!" I said. "I've known the Pope for years."

So off we flew to Rome.

We were assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square and hopelessly outnumbered....

....and realising my predicament, I said, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

I disappeared into the crowd and headed towards the Vatican.

And sure enough, half an hour later I emerged with the Pope on the balcony....

....but by the time I returned, I found that the Duke had had a heart attack and was lying on the ground surrounded by paramedics.

Making my way to his side, I asked him, "What happened?"

The Duke looked up at me and said, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Lord Noel?"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel