Whatto! Gentlemen.....
I was recently approached by a very good friend ..........
....who offered me a 'unique opportunity' to join a rather select Gentlemens Club.
He assured me that only a very 'select few' were invited to join in this way.
But there were rather stringent Rules that would apply.......
......if I decided to join.
I asked for a copy of the Rules.....
...and after a couple of days........
....they supplied me with the following:
1. Under no circumstances may two Chaps share an umbrella.
2. It is OK for a Chap to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After writing orf an employers car.
(d) When a Lady is using her teeth.
3. Any fellow who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4. If you've known a Chap for more than 24 hours, his sister is orf limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a Chap's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Chap. In fact, remembering another fellows birthday means you must help to celebrate it at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder, not the weakest, determines pit stops. (Except when Prostate man is in attendance).
8. When stumbling upon other Chaps watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9. You may strain one orf in front of a lady only after you have brought her to a climax. If you then trap her head under the duvet for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model........ and only when it's free.
11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Chap in the nuts.
12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13. Chaps don't let other Chaps wear Speedos. Not Ever. Issue closed.
14. If a Chap's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies.......... until they demonstrate knowledge of the game.......... and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must always remain sober enough to fight.
17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both....... that's just greedy.
18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a lady to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone..... Hang up if necessary.
19. The morning after you and a lady who was formerly 'just a friend' have had carnal, drunken 'monkey relations'.......and you're feeling 'weird and guilty' is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about 'what a big mistake it was'.
20. It is acceptable for you to drive a lady's car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
21. Thou shalt not buy a car in the following colours: brown, pink, lime, green, yellow, orange or sky blue.
22. The lady who replies to the question "Darling! What would you like for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" ......gets an Xbox 360 or a Playstation - End of story.
23. There is no reason for Chaps to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
24. Never wear a 'man bag' in public.
25. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the Chaps, being assaulted by your lady wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the Chaps smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your lady wife square on the posterior and having the balls to say, 'You're next, fatty!'
'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the Chaps, being assaulted by your lady wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the Chaps smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your lady wife square on the posterior and having the balls to say, 'You're next, fatty!'
Tallyho!
Have you ever been invited to join an extremely select club with numerous archaic rules that you sunsequently felt had compromised your personal values to the extent that you became mildly ashamed and developed a nervous rash?
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
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