Lord Noel Is Chillin' In America

Whatto! Cooks......I recently found my old 'Tasting Notes'from an exciting
'chilli tasting competition'.
It happened when I was visiting Texas.
I was just asking for directions to the beer tent.....
.......and I was told that one of the judges
had 'gone sick'.
They said to me "Lord Noel...
..we would be honoured if you would 'stand in'
at short notice....
.....to act as a judge in our chili cook-off".
I looked around at all their little expectant faces......
....how could I possibly refuse?
The other two judges (who were Native Texans)
both assured me that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy......
......and besides they told me......
...."You can have free beer
during the tasting".

..... So I accepted.


Here are 'excerpts' from the actual
scorecards we used for the 8 Chilli's.......
..... that were submitted for judging
by some locals named.....
Mike, Arthur, Fred, Bubba,
Linda, Vera, Susan and Lester.


Chilli # 1 - Mike's Mild Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.
Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor.
Very mild.

Lord Noel: Wow!..
.. what the hell is this stuff?
You could use it to remove dried paint from
your driveway!
It took two large beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one..
... I think these Texans may be slightly crazy.


Chilli # 2 - Arthur's Afterburner
Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork.
Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor,
....needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Lord Noel: For goodness sake!
Keep this out of the reach of children.....
I'm not sure what I am supposed to be tasting here...
..... besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre......
They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the contorted look on my face.


Chilli # 3 - Fred's Famous
'Burn Down The Barn' Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili!
Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili,
a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Lord Noel: Call the Army!......
.....I think I've located some Nuclear waste!
My nose feels like I have been forced to snort bleach!
Luckily....everyone knows the routine by now......
..... get me more beer before I ignite!
The Barmaid pounded me on the back as well.....
.... now I can feel my spine somewhere
in the front part of my chest.
Whatto! Though...
... this beer is jolly good stuff.


Chilli #4 - Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with
almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.

Lord Noel: I felt something
scraping across my tongue.......
......but I found that I was unable to taste it.
I wonder if it is possible
to burnout ones taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with more fresh refills!
Gulp!......Wonderful!
Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Beacause that 300 lb. lady
is starting to look as HOT as this food.....


Chilli # 5 - Linda's Legal
Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili.
Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef,
could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Lord Noel: My ears are suddenly....
.... ringing........
......the sweat is pouring off my forehead.......
.... and my eyes no longer seem
to be able to focus.
The contestant seemed a bit offended
when I told her.......
"I think your chilli may have
given me brain damage"
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding to death
by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
I think I may be burning my lips off?
It really cheeses me off that the other judges
ask me to stop screaming.
Crazy rednecks!


Chilli # 6 - Vera's Very
Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian
variety chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use
of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Lord Noel: My intestines have now
become a straight pipe to my rear......
.....filled with sulphuric acid gas.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me....
... except that slut Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought......
Can no longer feel my lips...
... or the lower part of my face.
I need to wipe my mouth.....
....and possibly my ar5e......
.... with ICE!


Chilli # 7 - Susan's Screeming
Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with
too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the
chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment.
I should take note that I am
worried about Judge
Number 3, He appears to be
in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

Lord Noel: Hot SH1T!!!!!!
Clearly someone has put a grenade in my mouth......
.....and pulled the bloody pin!
I cannot feel a damn thing.
I've lost the sight in one eye.......
....and all I can hear
is waterfalls....... everywhere!
My shirt is covered with chili,
when it slid unnoticed from
where my mouth used to be.....
At least at the autopsy
they'll know what killed me.
I’ve decided to stop breathing.......
......it's much too painful.
Stuff it!...
... I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli # 8 - Lester's Last Of
The Red-Hot Lover's Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending,
this is a nice blend chili,
safe for all, not too
bold but spicy enough to declare
it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good,
balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge Number 3 passed out!
He just fell over and pulled the chilli pot
down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor Lord Noel, I wonder how he'd have reacted.....
... to a really hot chilli?

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse