Lord Noel Says - See For Yourself

Whatto! Visually orientated persons....

Old magazines rather fascinate me.......

....the colours.....the illustrations......... all very quaint.

And some magazines have been around for years.......

.....as have the adverts for car insurance!

And so called 'Specialist' magazines have also been around for ages.......

....if there's enough interest in the subject matter.

Once colour photography entered the fray.......

....it seemed that ANYTHING was possible!

(Of course this was BEFORE the advent of 'Spellcheck')

As a newly inaugurated Chicken Farmer..........

....I was obviously very keen to see what publications existed.......

.....which could help me in my 'new career'.

So I did a 'Google' search.......

....... and came up with this.......

Not a bad start!

So I carried on.............

Finally.....I got what I was looking for.

Although some magazines were a little dubious............

I was glad to see that I wasn't alone in my search.......

....though I must admit.....

...this one seems like a massive boar!

It certainly helps when the title is 'snappy' and accurate.

I wonder what this one's about?

What surprised me.......

......... was the amazing diversity available.............

I didn't even know donkeys could talk!

Amazing!

And here's a publication specialising in 'Cakes for dogs'......

A 'Must' for anyone thinking of organising a dogs tea party.

I kept looking.......

....but some of the results......

...were just......

....well.......

....Rubbish.

Its always nice to know that the NHS is squandering our contributions on their own magazine........

....which is filled with pictures of nurses in uniform....

....so we can't moan.

Next up was 'Soldier of Fortune'.........

....a rugged publication.......

....for 'Action Men' everywhere..........

I read two pages.......

....then wanted to go out and buy a gun.......

.....and after nine pages...........

....I declared war on Switzerland!

The only problem that I can see with it.......

....is that it's referred to as 'SOF'.......

....which doesn't sound very rugged to me......

....in fact its three quarters of the way to being completely 'SOFT'......

....which is NEVER a good thing.

Apparently magazine editors put subliminal messages in their publications all the time.....

....to entice vulnerable readers.

Can you see what the subliminal message is here?.....

Yes!

It's "You can't be a parent without a Penis"

Very Good everyone!

Now try this one...............

This one's a bit more tricky......

....but its basically saying...........

"This girl is fifty and she doesn't look it.....the PIG!"

Some of the mags got me wondering where you might be expected to read them...........

....this one is clearly for someone eating outdoors..........

...maybe the pages are printed on serviettes?

....and this one is obviously for someone.......

....... who has just handed over their weekly pay packet.....

......for a faulty drum.

Whereas here the appeal is towards the youth market.......

Here we see some 'yoof'.......

.....and one of them has a doting grandmother........

I know this......

...because she has forced him to wear......
...the 'gangsta bling' necklace that she recently knitted for him.

It really doesn't seem to matter how 'niche' the reader is......

.....there's something for everyone.

For example.......

"Do you have a family?"

"Yes I do!"

"But do you live in New York?"

"Well.....no"

"Then this magazine is NOT for you!...........Find your OWN!"

Even if you're a little weird........

.....or quite a tall weird...........

...they've got you covered.

If you haven't seen anything yet........

...that appeals to YOU......

....don't despair!

You could easily end up.........

....with some sort of complex.......

....and we don't want that.......

.....or DO we?

If you are an old railway enthusiast.......

....or a young person interested in old railways........

.....don't bother with this publication..........
The 'STEAM' mentioned in the title.......

...is NOT the steam you seek.......

This 'STEAM' stands as a snappy acronym........

....for the ACTUAL target market.......

....."Science and Technology Enrichment for Appalachian Middle -schoolers"

Whereas this mag......

....does exactly what it says on the cover.
Thank goodness it's the Winter edition........

....... they had to wear clothing.

When you run out of names.........

....it's always best to be as inventive as possible........

....so that people with dyslexia can easily find you.

I don't believe the Editor researched his 'Target market' before allowing this mags cover to be used.......

Somehow it doesn't say 'Mankind' to me.......

....unless the Mankind they seek are those with an uneasy fondness for small children.

Equally.........
.....I believe this publication gives off the wrong message.

I would feel most uncomfortable picking this magazine from the top shelf and going to the till with it........

....unless I also had also purchased the 'sister' magazine.....

...."I love to eat alone"

This one sent me GaGa trying to work out the title.......

....I think it may be a 'fortune telling' mag.......

.....but that's not how you spell 'Rune'.

A good cover photo........

....is almost always guaranteed to get your readers interested.......

...or at least.......

.....have them laughing all the way to the check out.

Ancient skills such as knitting can be passed on through detailed instructions in knitting magazines like this one.......
....and after all the hours of tireless effort you put in to create such a design.......

When you first wear it......

....everyone will know......

...you make your own clothes.

Another skill which can readily be transferred into another past time is illustrated here......

By purchasing this magnificent magazine you will learn the secret skills that you will need to make a plane, a tank and a soldier in battle dress!

All you have to do now.........

....is learn French.

You may be the ambitious sort......

...in which case it's always good to be seen with a copy of this mag......

It shows others that you have the physical and mental determination.....

...to pit yourself against the trials of Nature......

....in brutal weather conditions.....

....until you finally reach your goal!

It also tells them.........

....you have no friends.

Maybe you're the sort .......

....who likes to demonstrate that they have the 'Power' in the home........

.....in which case........

.....this magazine was MADE for you.

Maybe you're the sort who likes to demonstrate.....

.....that they have 'Power' in the street.......

....well....

....look no further.

What if you're a youthful person?......

....who feels they are also very intelligent?

A flat and dry scientific journal isn't going to be your thing.....

.....but wait until you get this one between your teeth.

I found some magazines........

...were just far too obscure......

....even for my liberal tastes......

....and yet.....

....they also seemed......

....strangely facinating.

I honestly believe that the secret to a successful magazine........

....is to 'Keep it simple'

For example.......

.....say that you wished to produce a magazine......

....for .........

....jugglers!

What's a nice simple title......

...that even a juggler......

........ who's had heavy items falling on his head for several years......

.....could understand?

Perfect!

Okay....now here's a harder one.....

The target audience is......

..... black.....

....female.......

.....teachers......

....who specialise in......

....DANCE!

Thought of a title yet?

Brilliant!

Now let's try............

....drunken lawyers...........

Yes!

You've got it!

It really is just like........

......... addressing an envelope..........

......a simple case of.......

........ putting the right name on the front.......

....so that it ends up with......

.......the correct recipient.

Maybe you're someone who seeks love!

That elusive emotion......

...at one so powerful......

....yet leaving you feeling........

.....vulnerable......

.....and excited.....

....at the same time......

....longing for that 'special' person.........

.....to appear in your life......

....once more.

This edition is absolutely bulging with information.

And once you've finished reading this......

.....you'll slowly progress to this one.........

And end up with this one............

Which returns you once more to that 'faithful friend'........

....the timeless skill of knitting.

And you will be given the secrets of how to knt this wonderful 'geometric top'......

....with built-in 'marsupial pouch'......

....for your 'girl friend' to live in.
How handy!.....

....I hear you say.......

'Health' magazines abound on news stands everywhere........

.....whether it is to assist you with some disability you may have......

...or because you've taken to eating.......

....for some reason known only to you.......

....dangerously high levels of 'fructose'

Or......

you may have a heart condition.....

....in which case I would heartily recommend this soporific read.

Absolutley NOTHING to excite you here............

You may be someone who has a problem with falling over.......

....well here's your answer.

You may be superstitious.......

.....so 'Lucky' will do it for you.

(Buy thirteen copies....just to be sure)

Some people just like a magazine......

..that speaks THEIR language.

And you're bound to wonder about the title of this next mag..........

......it's the "Official Meetings Faculty Guide"

Yeah right!

No prizes for guessing what this next one's about.......

...it's about ladies who've married 'Older' men.

And if you have a tree phobia......

......look no further......

Or maybe your phobia ..........
....is even more unusual..............

...how about 'poets with too much body hair'?

Spot on!

You see..........

Whatever your 'bag' in life......

...there's a mag 'out there' for you.
Everyone is catered for......

.....there's even the promise of a long awaited magazine......

.....which is due out now.......

...but it's been held up for a number of reasons.......
....to such an extent......

that when it's finally published......

.....it will be the 2005 edition!

As long as there's no more delays........

........we should see it very soon.

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel