Lord Noel Reflects On Drunks Who Thunk

What ho! Drinkers.....

As you all know very well.........

..........drinking alcohol can seriously harm parts of your body........

(causing excessive sweating in the nether regions)

.....and can also completely damage any remaining reputation you may have...............

....in a way that can only ever be described accurately by someone who actually knows what they're talking about..........

I, myself am particularly partial to the spirit of Armagnac..........(well actually brandy in general is perfectly okay for me)............and the odd bottle of Champagne........although funnily enough.......I've never found anything at all ODD about Champagne...........

....but whenever I always drink............it is never to excess.

Some people seem to never know when to stop!

......and they only realise the shocking results......

...... of drinking 'far too much'..........

.....when it's much, much TOO LATE!!!

And to those of you who say to me "Lord Noel!....though we respect you immensely as a human being and a musical virtuoso............you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about............to such an extent that most of what you verbalise towards us......is utter and complete TOSH!"

Well..............I say to these people........What about the two accountants?........

Yes!........The two accountants who were shocked to the core............. when they woke up the morning after this picture was taken.............

.....only to discover that they HADN'T found the ancient 'Blarney Tree' after all.........

And!

AND!!!

What about Mr. Timothy Fudge?.........

Yes! Timothy Fudge.......who has NEVER satisfactorily explained why he woke up suffering from 'cocktail stickulitus' immediately after a heavy binging session!?

And!

AND!!!

What about Ms. Wendy Tripod?........

The poor woman...............who is still trying to come to terms with the fact that her head had become a 'listed monument' during a drunken nap on a kitchen table!?

Of course there are notable exceptions............

Commander Cyril Clench wasn't even drunk when this photograph was taken...........

.....and he can still be regularly seen scouring the streets of his local town at night......looking for a girlfriend...........

...........a girlfriend who likes a banana sucking, white foam-faced male, with cigarette butts for hair.....

Perhaps unsurprisingly.......he has so far............ had no luck.

HOWEVER!......One of the worst experiences ever recorded.............

......... MUST be that of Mrs Hilary Thrust.........

.....this poor woman woke up after a heavy drinking sesh with he husband and son..............in a not very good hotel............

......and found that apparently she already owed £127.53 for pizzas!

.......... which she COULDN'T even remember eating!

BUT!........

As the hotel staff very patiently explained to her..............

......she MUST have eaten SOMETHING!..................

otherwise..............why would she have grown to about 20 times the size that she was previously?

.....and when the hotel staff (and some other guests)......came into her room to discuss the increased fees she would have to incur.............

........... as a result of her having 'unlawfully enlarged herself'.........

....she was so shocked that she COULDN'T EVEN SPEAK!!!!

And ........

.........as if that wasn't ENOUGH!!!!!

At EXACTLY the same time!........

She discovered..........that her husband Neville was found to be suffering from an acute case of........

....... 'Body dwindling'........

.....whereby his body had reduced itself to the size of a small greenfly.....

....making him appear rather overladen.......in the CRANIAL area................

Of course............when Mrs Thrust finally found her (now much larger) voice............

....she argued successfully that the extra space that SHE was now occupying........

....was roughly equivalent to the amount of space that her husband Neville was now NOT occupying..........

......thus she should NOT be charged any extra for accomodation.

The hotel manager reluctantly agreed..............

And although she felt momentarily cheered by this small victory....................it was very short lived...........

....an almost worthless concession......

.....when she discovered that her son Grappul......

....had already reached STAGE 4!.......

..... of an unwilling 'metamorphosis'..........

........... into..........

............ a LASAGNA!!!!

ALL of these people thought that they could handle alcohol!
So my immediate advice to everyone is................
DON'T DRINK & THINK!
Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel