Lord Noel's Noche del Guano

Buenos noches amigos!.................. and whato!

Isn't it odd?.......................

that sometimes you can be settling down for a quiet night..................

when suddenly.................... unexpected guests turn up out of the blue!!!..........

.......and that time was very recently.....................



The night started when a nearby Mexican family called at our door trying to sell us their fanjitas.................

We invited them in.............. to offer them the hospitality that is customary in these parts

They immediately accepted our offer!

and in no time at all our cook had rustled up a traditional meal for them all...............

of tacos.............................


and hot chilli.........................!

That went down rather well............................ as you can see!!

Not knowing exactly what they wished to do next.......................

and with them not being able to speak much of our lingo very well.......................

we improvised!!!....................

And played a lovely game of 'pin the tail on the donkey'!!

This rapidly deteriorated ............................... due to heavy consumption of some of their local tipple called Tequila!......................

into a game of 'pin the moustache onto the donkey'!!..............

............................with some of our lovely guests bravely sacrificing their hard grown moustaches for this very purpose!

It then developed into a 'pin the moustache onto anything you like' situation...............

This Tequila stuff was obviously partly to blame.........................

but I noticed they had also smuggled in with them some strange looking contraband that I managed to inspect more closely!............................

It was an odd looking brew of highly toxic waste that, in my opinion, didn't look too safe to drink!

It wasn't long before this evil brew had taken its toll on the gathered assemblage!!!!!!

With inhibitions now cast aside - these new neighbours behaved exactly as they wished to and it all got extremely confusing!!


In the end....................

after all the music making................

and the latin dancing...............

everyone just collapsed in a heap.....................

they seemed quite content to remain there on the floor...................

I suppose they're used to sleeping on the ground where they come from what?!

Anyhow.........................

It was an extemely enjoyable evening.......................

and I think we did our bit for cultural relations........................

Tallyho for now!!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Signs Of Sodom & Begorrah

Whatto everyone and top of the morning to you all!

Including all you little people - and NO I don't mean kids!.............

I'm talking to you little green fellas - the Leprachauns!

Fantastic news for everyone heading over to the Emerald isle between 8th Feb and 2nd March!

Follow your soul to the annual Ted Fest!!



Yes! Dozens of people will be heading for Craggy Island to recreate scenes from this famous sitcom................

Which is a woderful excuse for dressing up as a priest or a nun............

So expect to see lots of nuns behaving badly!

If you are easily shocked please scroll down quickly NOW!!



There's also the 'Toilet Duck' award for the best Comedy sketch!


Fun and games - all suitably naff - for anyone wishing to take part!

And after all the excitement of the day you can take yourself back to your hotel to let your hair down with the rest of the revellers.............
Over a nice cup of tea!!


But be careful out there!
There'll be Out of control Milkcarts!.................

.................. A 'Lovely Girl' Competition..................

where it is frowned upon for anyone to wear a skirt above their knees or too much makeup!

And I'm sure................... for any well balanced ADULTS who are attending............

there'll be lot's of lovely Irish Bars full of smooth Guinness..............

and nice local people to talk to.................


That sounds like a great Craic!
Have a lovely time everyone!

I'm orf to find myself a priests outfit!!

Tallyho and Best Wishes!!

Father Noel xxx

Lord Noel Notices Something In The Air Tonight

Hello & Whato everyone!!

Did you manage to catch the Total Eclipse of the Moon last night I wonder?

I was out there from time to time keeping a beady eye on things.........


You can see why people years ago thought it was a bad omen..........

When the sky changes that dramatically from a full moon to nothing it is weird!

Mind you ..................... I quite like weird...........

Many people say I'm on another planet anyway! Har!

I just say "Well I can see Uranus!!"

....and that Dear Reader - is a clue to my latest acquisition!!

Here's another!.....................

A man walks into a bar.............................. Ouch!!!

Got it yet?..............


He sees STARS!................. har har!!!

Here's one more clue......................

I've recently measured it ......................... and I'm proud to say .........................

............I've got a FULL SIX INCHES!!!!!!


Whato! I hear you cry .....................in justifiable disbelief!!!!

You know I HATE to brag...........

............ unless I'm playing cards! Har!!

But this time it's PERFECTLY TRUE..............................

I suppose you could say I've become a LUNATIC too!!

I think it's time to put you out of your misery now! ...................

You see my dear, patient friend....................

I am now the proud owner of none other than a.....................

TELESCOPE!!!!!!!!!

OH YES!! .....and not just any old telescope!

The well seasoned and knowledgeable salesperson described this one as being like a canines genitals .......................

I can't really see the resemblance myself!

Isn't she a BEAUTY!!!?

Look at those legs!........................ and that BODY!!

I keep looking outside.................. hoping and wishing that the clouds lift so I can spring into action with her!

I'm looking forward to checking out the constellations - up close and personal!!

I may find out what the Heavens have in store for me!...............

Something nice I hope!...................

Tallyho everyone!

Best wishes Lord Noel

Lord Noel Shouts "Forcepts!"

By Jove and What ho!

I was amazed to find a picture of my long lost uncle "Lord Forcepts Wonder" the other day!

He was quite a character ......... if the family historical library books are to be believed!

Apparently he was a hardened Poker player who spent alot of his spare time in seedy 'joints' - gambling away the family fortune.....................

"Nothing wrong with him so far" I can hear you saying.............

Incidentally - he was named 'Forcepts' by his diligent father who really wanted him to enter the medical profession.............

But his interests lay elsewhere.....................
Yes!!..................
The seedy underbellied world .................................. of...............................


Crisped potatos!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a boy he had noticed a number of subtle changes taking place within society..............

His collection of rare crisp packets - for example - led him to realise that horizontal integration was a trend that was likely to have further impacts on him in the future.............

He was so intriged by what was happening within the business community that he wrote to the head office of this rapidly burgeoning company (who shared the same name as Lord Forcepts himself) and suggested some extra flavours that they could exploit - to completely demolish their current competition!!!!!!
One of his suggestions was taken on board by a temporary manager who was later committed to a nearby lunatic asylum................

Forcepts wrote to the company in due course ..............

Suggesting - (in his own inimitable style) - that they might consider him worthy of some small recompence for the valuable suggestions he had been sending them..........

The fact that these letters were written in his own handwriting - with a quill - using his own freshly spilled blood .................... should have given them a clue as to how to deal with this particular fan....................

Unfortunately they dismissed him as a mere crank and the letter they sent him in reply was very clear in this respect (or indeed lack of it!)..........

Lord Forcepts was devastated!!! (as you can imagine)........

Having dedicated his life to bringing together a vast collection of the World's most interesting crisp packets - he found himself abandoned by the company with whom he had most closely aligned himself......................

But he was - in the end - a man of great dignity ........................

and ......................great dignity................................

so.................... wishing to prove that he could not be undone........................

Lord Forcepts hired a hot air balloon and ...................... floating over the factory that he had once held in such high esteem......................

Pelted everyone below him with potatoes!! (Causing serious injuries to one or two innocent passer-bys)

He was last seen floating towards France shouting vague obscenities..............

.....and there have been sightings of him in various Casinos in the South of France - but none of them have ever been confirmed...................

If you ever happen to meet my Uncle - do send him my regards!

But whatever else you do .......................... don't offer him a crisp!

Families are facinating aren't they?

Tallyho! & Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Is Floating On Hair

Whato! Everyone - I trust you are all ticketyboo!

Today I would like to share my opinions with you about ............presentation!

Those of you who know me well will know also that I love food .............. especially food which has been well thought-out, and I simply relish the joy of receiving a beautifully presented meal and cutting the perfectly shaped offering..............

.................sliding each joyously succulent forkful into my trembling, salivating mouth.

I am just as fastidious about my own lovely appearance!

For example I have chosen to have my own, tried and trusted hairdresser attend to me at my home!

I can safely say she now knows the cut of my jib, the lie of my land and most of all .................... how to make me look distinctly beautiful!

Stage 1

She always starts at the top with the lifting and separating - which also involves a little teasing of my folicles and the occasional massage of my upper epidermis - which I love!

I think you can see that I find it hard to disguise the pleasure I was experiencing at that moment!

Stage 2

Next she moves onto the cranium for the upper dorsal trimming - this involves lifting the hair into a fin like structure and then cutting the top away in carefully measured portions - so that one less resembles a fish.........

I met an unfortunate individual the other day who had left the salon urgently as the skilled Peliquarian had reached this vital stage...............

He was jumped on by a short-sighted fisherman and kept prisoner in a keep net for five hours!

I don't think he will ever be the same.......................

Stage 3

Now you can see her dextrosity as she moves slowly to the upper cerebelum area and downwards towards the nape of the neck.................

I don't mind telling you - I LOVE THIS BIT!!!!

It makes what hairs one does have left ................stand on end!!

Hence why this particular operative has strategically placed her hand over the crown of my dome - to keep the bugger DOWN!!

Stage 4

It's at this stage .........................when I finally get to look in the mirror at the finished result................ that I am often reduced to tears!

The sheer mastery of the cut!....................

The poise and elegance with which this now embues me....................

I am................. for once ...............Speechless!!!

Tallyho! & Best Wishes

Lord Noel x

Lord Noel Celebrates Valentines Day

What ho! Everyone again!!

As you will no doubt have gathered - it is Valentines Day today....... and both Lady J and myself found ourselves fully loved up!!

Lady J and myself are most partial to a celebration or two at the slightest notice with the flimsiest of excuses!

So imagine my surprise.................. when on this particular occasion we received an unexpected visit from another attractive couple!

At first I found them so difficult to identify......................... but they immediately seemed to be marvelous company and obviously up for a laugh!

He was certainly someone who impressed me! ..................he had a certain je ne saia quoi and was someone who I would have referred to once as a "Cool Dude"!

His outfit certainly seemed to remind me of something - but i think it was a different era!

And the female was certainly different!...............

I quickly became facinated by her excessive facial hair!

I don't know if you can pick it up on this photo but her top lip is covered in downy fluff!!!

But that only held my attention for a short while .......................I couldn't help but notice the snazzy apparelle that the male had on his feet!

As someone who likes to consider themselves at the height of fashion ............I was immediately envious of him!

He then went on to say that he'd recently invented a comic book character called "Mr. Breasteyes" and proceeded to do impressions of him in my living room!

The sheer audacity of the man!

A character like this could NEVER exist in a normal, decent society!!

Then the penny dropped!!

I looked again at the female!......................

This time - without the moustache.................. and I realised it was none other than Lady Mellisa McChucker................

She's got so much front it's UNBELIEVABLE!!

It was then....... that the penny dropped...... again!

If Lady Melissa was here.......... then that meant..... that the male with her..........
.......... (unless she'd turned up with a completely different chap)..... was none other than ...
..my twin BROTHER!!!!

Lord Leon!!

.........he pulled off his moustache and laughed loudly - right in my face!!

With the fearless quality of a man who has consumed something 'other than fully authorised alcohol' - (if you know what I mean)!!

The night soon progressed into a series of sights and sounds that cannot be fully described in mixed company or to those of a nervous disposition!!

So I will draw a heavy veil over the proceedings now - to protect the innocent!!

Nevertheless I enjoyed a Happy Valentines Day!

Tallyho everyone!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel On Entertaining The Masses

Whato once more my virtual pals!

I trust I find you in fine fettle.........

I thought I would just recount to you the finer details of a little soiret I chanced to be involved in at a fine local establishment...........

On our arrival I happened to notice the glowing polished wooden presence of an upright pianoforte - something I am not unfamiliar with........

It wasn't long before our esteemed hosts cajoled me to pleasure them with sonnets of my own - and to demonstrate my obviously reknowned prowess on this finely toned instrument.....

I began with a rendition of "My lower body proportions are under medical investigation" - an original piece which I composed following a short visit to a nearby BUPA hospital....


This brought some genuine tears to the eyes of the gathering throng!

.......and much as they reguiled me for encores I stood my ground and refused politely to offer any more pieces of perfection agreeing merely to pose for photographs and the occasional autograph for those less seasoned followers......

It was then that the Maitre Di met me on my way to the table and shook my hand vigorously - and I couldn't help noticing that he too had tears welling up in his flabby yet friendly and welcoming eyes.............

"Please, please Lord Noel........... take this table - the best in the house!" and he led myself and Lady J to a small yet uncramped inglenook setting so that we might enjoy the evening undisturbed by the exited diners.

I stood and gave a small speech to thank my admirers and pleaded with them to rejoin their tables and have a lovely evening............... and they cheered once again.

It was then, as the applause slowly subsided, that the meal arrived..........

I told the waiter that I hadn't yet made our order with him but he simply stated that the proprietor knew that I loved their 'special steak' and that he had expressly asked that I accept this offering with his sincere compliments..............

Needless to say - we both partook of this spledid meal which completely defied descriptive adjectives or superlatives - suffice it to say that we were both completely satiated by the time we had partaken of the splendid dessert that accompanied it.............

We were then ushered to a snug room where, as we retired, we were offered the best wine from their cellars - 'On the house'!

Never have I known a more appreciative audience!

Now!...........On the odd chance that some of you may be thinking "How I too would love to be able to play such a tune when I am next in a restaurant to suitably impress any gathering" - I am reproducing the first verse here to give you a flavour of the piece.......

I offer this with delight and friendship to you, my virtual companion, but caution you to learn to use it sparingly to maximise its powerful effect!

A Doctor he once said to me

what is that growth upon your knee?

I answered him "Don't be a fool!

That is the bottom of my tool!"

I think you can gather from this the emotive quality of the piece how you can now develop the piece and make 'your own' as I have obviously done in my own time honoured fashion.

Good luck with your endeavours!

Best wishes and Tallyho!

Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Vin de Pays

Tallyho everyone!............

...........and CHEERS!!

 

Those of you who know me ........ will know of my partiality towards a certain grapefilled liquid!

................and now that I live in the country I thought I'd like to 'get back to Nature' once again and demonstrate my mastery over nature - by concocting my own version of Country wine!

This is how my sweet nectar looked only a few months ago when I plucked the ripe fruit from the damson and cherry plum trees growing freely on our virtual estate!

With the expert precision of a man on prozac - I managed to get the bugger to ferment nicely and transform its murky liquid to a clear rose with a taste so full of fruit that it cries out 'Summertime Harvest' with every delicious mouthfull!

TWAMPING!!

Here is how the delicate process starts....................... simple enough and with primative methods ........... the succulent flavours of the juice are teased out of the burgeoning fruit in a process known as Twamping!!

This is followed - almost directly - by the next stage in the procedure.................

DWAMPING!!

This is where the damp juice is allowed to mingle freely with the foot juice to create a subtle blend of natural scents and flavours that can only be produced when man truely meets nature - IN THE RAW!!!

This process continues until the sun goes down - or we reach the next process known as:

CWAMPING!!
 

This is the involuntary muscle spasms that are produced by the cold mixture working against the excessive muscle activity!

It is a dangerous stage and is always best dealt with by having an assistant nearby to carry out preliminary First Aid techniques.......................

But failing that....... the indescribable agony that accompanies this process can be aleviated by the ample application of boiling water directly onto the affected areas..................

..............thereby rendering the muscles completely numb and lifeless!

But... ladies and gentlemen!... It is ALL in a good cause!!

The final result is the testimony of everything that Nature and man (when finely tuned together and working 'as one') can accomplish!!

...and the good news is..
... the blisters are healing up nicely!!

Tallyho everyone!!

Best wishes
Lord Noel

Lord Noel At ONE with Nature!

Hello and Whato!... to you all!

Now that the sunny days are occuring once more there's nothing one enjoys more than getting oneself outside and feeling the fresh Spring grass against ones bare feet..........

I was outside the other day - enjoying a lovely drop of sparkling champers - when I suddenly noticed something in a nearby bush.............

On closer inspection I found it was a jolly little creature - scampering about in the undergrowth - sweet as anything - with its lovely little tail flicking about behind it..........

Well I picked the jolly little creature up and placed it in a container so that I might observe it more closely and keep it from harm.....................

I no time at all - I'd struck up quite a rapport with this beautiful little mouse - and we were getting on famously - laughing and joking about this and that...................

But one is then faced with the difficult choice of what to do next - for the best.......

If I let this beautiful creature go - it was likely to fall prey to some vicious monster and be torn limb from fragile limb!!

....But there was NO WAY I could possibly retain it in captivity..............

THAT would be CRUEL!!

NO!!

It was a difficult decision all right!

But my family didn't get to where they are today by shying away from difficult decisions!!

So!!

I carefully weighed up all the available options.............

Considering what was in the best interests of this gorgeous and vulnerable creature....

.....and cooked it in a lovely stew!

Bally Delicious!!

Tallyho everyone!!

Best wishes - Lord Noel