Lord Noel Talks Politics

Whatto! Pepys...

Here in the Uk we have just had our local elections.
I wanted the Green party to win some seats because they say that they will look after the planet and make it nice.... and they did! (win some seats)
Lady Jacqueline thinks they will be like every other Political Party before them and introduce masses of Green taxes that we will all have to pay -  for all the bad stuff us humans keep doing to the Earth.
Meanwhile a growing number of people here in the Uk seemed to prefer the Manifesto of rascism.

It seems that our veneer of civilisation is flimsy, that it can be removed so quickly.

The xenophobic Manifesto is an all too familiar one...

...because it focuses people's attention on a previously unrecognised enemy.

A Scapegoat...

...unable to protect itself...

Focusing on the fact that this 'stranger' is somehow different from us.....
...either by their choice of language or their choice of religion....
(conveniently forgetting that both are usually an accident of birth)
...or even focussing on the strange way they choose to dress themselves.

Manifesting itself in full on hatred towards any struggling foreigner, working here on a minimum wage and trying to make enough money to survive....
....Foreigners who are clearly hiding behind the cunning facade of being a willing worker - an obvious threat to everything British.
They are so different from us!
They do things that we would NEVER do!

But that is precisely why our Society, and our World is enriched by our diversity.
We fool ourselves that we have a collective consciousness which makes us all 'normal'...
...and makes 'them' somehow different to us.

Politicians spout rhetoric, as if everyone in Britain shares the same twisted beliefs as them....
... and pretty soon.....they do.

England football team giving the Nazi salute

It's somehow easier to believe that all our Economic and Social problems stem from a foreigner trying to make a better life for themselves and their family....

....than from a bunch of Bankers who demand to be continually bailed out with endless supplies of our money.

Trying to appeal to people's prejudice is a cop out....
...it's a cheap an cynical trick...
...aimed at attracting the lowest denomination of intelligence...
....and it's far, far too easy!
Much easier than addressing the real issues....
... and opening our hearts to the struggles of all the people in the World...
... and showing them some LOVE.

....and so the tide changes....
....and hate is directed towards those who can least defend themselves...
...and Politicians ride on the back of the wave of popularity that affords them new power to exploit.
And HATE flourishes....
It becomes the acceptable face of Britain...
...a new product of Society to be enjoyed by all.

Can we learn nothing from past experiences?
Can we not see the dead end that leads us on towards hating each other?
Because where HATE flourishes.... LOVE struggles to survive....
... and I know which I'd rather have.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes & Love - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Local News

Whatto! Pepys...
Lord Noel here!

People often say to me "Lord Noel - How do you manage to live without a TV?"....
But they are usually mixing me up with someone else.....
..... like Nicholas Cage or Richard E Grant...
...both of whom have personally advised me of their hatred for the small screen.
(Or maybe it's just because of the lifelike tattoo I have over my abdomen of Mr Cage?)
I do look at the old gogglebox from time to time....
....but the time I spend watching it has increasingly decreased.
I must admit that I have a darker desire, that has to expressed in the open air amongst other pleasure seeking adults...
...and also to having a secret delight when coming across a fresh newspaper advertising sign....
...although I am, of course, unable to speak further of this - due to the impending Court Case.

So instead, here, for your delectation and delight is a "Selection from my Collection" which I trust you will enjoy - to the full.

Sometimes I wonder whether they think we don't read them at all!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On TV

Whatto! Pepys....

In these days of uncertainty and worry, if I ever want to feel reassured and comforted...
...I always put on our National News Network - The BBC.
It's tried and tested and respected the World over as a purveyor of British opinion...
...and it helps to reassure me that all is well.
I would never, for instance expect to see anything like this on the BBC...

Because I need to remain convined that 250,000 civilians in Iraq lost their lives when GB joined America is a massive bombing campaign because the Evil Saddam Hussein had lots of weapons of mass destruction which somehow we haven't managed to find yet.
Neither would I expect my daily contentment to become unbalanced in any way by my beloved TV Channel chosing to interview someone with a dubiously disgusting name....
That's why you would NEVER find The British Broadcasting Company featuring people like this!...

Well? I ask BFM TV - Did your feature with 'General Arse Biscuites' help to 'clear the air'?

or this....

Well? 2 TV - Was everything that 'Mike Litoris' had to say 'on the button'?

or this....

Well? Unidentified TV station - Did your piece with 'Willie Stroker' give your audience satisfaction?

or this...

Well? Local News 7 - Was this really necessary?

No! It most definitely WAS NOT!

I want my TV Station to constantly reassure me that my life is perfectly 'Normal' and that everything is the way it should be.

If standards are allowed to slip to the standards allowed by these other inferior TV Companies then who knows what might happen?

We may even begin to discover the truth! 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Modern Women

Whatto! Pepys...

We all like to reinvent ourselves, taking into account our new-found knowledge or inderstanding of the changes within Society that have influenced our development. And Western Women are very familiar with this process, which helps them to define the new 'me'.


She is not HORNY,


She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.



She is not a SLUT,

She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.



She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE,

She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.



She does not have THIN LIPS,

She is COLLAGEN DEFICIENT.



She is not a BAD COOK,

She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.



She is not HALF NAKED,

She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.



She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY,

She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.



She is not CONCEITED,

She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.



She does not want to be MARRIED,

She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.



She does not GAIN WEIGHT,

She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.



She is not a SCREAMER,

She is VOCALLY ACTIVE.



She is not EASY,

She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.



She does not TEASE or FLIRT,

She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.



She in not DUMB,

She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.



She is not TOO SKINNY,

She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.



She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE,

She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.



She does not HATE SPORTS,

She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.



She has not BEEN AROUND,

She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.



She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME,

She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.



She does not GET YOU EXCITED,

She causes TEMPORARAY BLOOD RELOCATION.



She is not KINKY,

She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.



She does not have a KILLER BODY,

She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.



She does not GO SHOPPING,

She is MALL FLUENT.



She is not an AIRHEAD,

She is REALITY IMPAIRED.



She does not get DRUNK,

She gets CHEMICALLY IMBALANCED.



She does not get FAT,

She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.



She is not FRIGID,

She is TERMINALLY INACCESSIBLE.



She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP,

She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.



She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS,

She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.



She does not NAG YOU,

She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.



She is not LOOSE,

She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.



She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS,

She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.



Tallyho!   Best Orwellian Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Helps Others

Whatto! Pepys....

Michael Who?...

I recently announced my return to the UKland following my extended soiree in the far east....
....and I should have realised that it would begin an avalanche of mail from Help Seeking Locals.
As I have selflessly dedicated myself to helping others I find myself compelled to assist my new-found friend...
...and reproduce their correspondence with me below for your perusal.


"Hi Lord Noel,
I heard that you had recently returned to the UK and I wondered if you could assist me?
Recently I spent a not inconsiderable amount of money safeguarding a prominant advertising location within the confines of the window of our Local Post Office....
.... but, to date, I have received NO replies!
I know that your readership consists mainly of discerning, sophisticated adults and I wondered if you could help me reach that demographic audience by reproducing my advertisement campaign within you illustrious blog pages?
Ps. Do you happen to know the current address of  Deborah Meaden?
Yours sincerely
Michael Again"

 

"Dearest Michael,
Our success rate in situations like this is unparalleled....
...mainly because it is unquantified....
...but I gain a perverse pleasure in assisting a needy local, like yourself, to achieve one of their self proclaimed 'lifetime ambitions'.
Thank you for your letter - from which I was able to ascertain your current postal address.
Any further contact will, of course, have to be made via my Solicitor because of the Restraining Order I was forced to take out when I found you hiding in my garden hedge with a digital camera and my name tatooed across you forehead in blood.
I trust you will understand
Tallyho!
Best Wishes
Lord Noel"

Lord Noel On War On Words

Whatto! Pepys....

Tony 'Satan' Blair feeling very at home

Hands up all those people who believe what their Government tells them?!
Okay....... still a few...... but not many......
Well, you extremely trusting people...
Do you remember when your Government declared "War on Drugs!"?
I expected the Army to at least nuke a couple of cannabis farms...
...but no.
Instead we invaded Afghanistan and helped the poor, undernourished and terrified farmers to grow a new cash crop!
Heroin!
Yum!
Now Afghanistan has become the largest producer of Heroin in the World!
The "War on Drugs!" is declared a success!
But the fleeting success soon left a growing feeling of emptiness inside the people who made the weapons....
With the "War on Drugs!" over, how could they continue to increase weapon's sales?
They needed another Noun to declare War on!
And, to the rescue of Warmongers everywhere came the wonderfully abstract Campaign creatively entitled "War On Terror!"
'Terror' the Noun that was perceived to be potentially everywhere and/or potentially everyone by the powers that be....
and from which we, the public, could be protected if we would simply back our Government's idea of declaring War against it.
You'll notice that Diplomats have been made redundant by this process?
We no longer 'chat' about Drugs or 'have a discussion' about Terrorism....
...we go straight to 'Go'!...... whilst still passing the "collect 16 zillion dollars" square
(thoughtfully put in place by the wealthy Munitions manufacturers)
And how successful has our "War on Terror!" been exactly?
Well? Do you feel any safer?
Of course you do!
No, neither do I.
There seems to be more bloodshed now than at any time before the "War on Terror!" started....
...with many more innocent civilian casualties....
...and many more Countries being destabilised by armed militia...
...desperate to spread their own version of 'Democracy'....
...Militia who somehow always manage to get hold of machine guns and a Bazooka with useable ammunition...
...even though they apparently live under a tree in a hole up a mountain somewhere!
Come on!
How would even an experienced company like Amazon manage to deliver to somewhere that doesn't even have a proper address?
And they've got Drones!
I live in a First World country and no matter how hard I try (on a scale of 1 to 10 it's probably minus 6) I've never managed to get hold of a working machine gun or Bazooka with ammo!
How the hell does a lowly shepherd, living on a diet of old mutton, manage to attain such equipment?
Do I smell the unbelieveably callous stench of a "greedy profits at any cost" munitions Company?
I think I do.
They are making a stinking great Profit People!
That's the "Free Market" at work!
So why aren't I getting a piece of the action?
Well..... I have given this dilemma a great deal of consideration...
...and with Profiteering in the forefront of my mind I would like to suggest and wholeheartedly support our next Government Funded "Campaign"...
...which I think should be entitled "War on Nature!"
(I was going to go with "War on Weather!" but I believe our Governments have already begun that War without our consent - so expect bloody awful weather for the foreseeable future)
No!....My idea of a "War on Nature!" has been carefully considered based on past events...
If it pans out the way every other Campaign has, we will absolutely saturated in "Nature" in no time!
Result!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Wurst Euro Win

Whatto! Pepys....

Well good old Eurovision!
Just as I was going on about it's predictabilty and outmodedness I watched the show and was pleasantly surprised by the improvements that have been made since I last watched.
The concert-like set-up helped to raise energy levels nicely and the scoring was made easier to handle by counting public phone-ins and cutting down the point system to allow only the remaining three top point allocations to be made.
There were plenty of tongues in cheeks but several of the songs seemed like they would be quite comfortable on a credible album release.
The old Political rivalries raised their ugly mugs and got rightly booed by the crowd of joyous revellers who could see straight through the cynical motivations.
There were predictable Europop entries amongst the offerings but the show managed to create a totally unexpected surprise once more in the shape of an elegantly bearded lady from Austria who went on to win comfortably.
Is this a sign that shock tactics work well on a show like this where exposure is limited and the three minutes available to make an impact have to be exploited to the full?
Gone are the days of BucksFizz where pulling off a skirt was enough to cause controversy.
And, despite the fact that I don't think the winning song was the strongest one on offer (it reminded me of a rejected James Bond theme song), I can clearly see why the Austrian win was so popular.
Having returned from the far East where androgeny is an accepted facet of human behaviour, it surprises me that it nevertheless still has the capacity to fascinate and enthrall the rest of the developed world.
Making the shift from male to female is difficult enough for any westerner but refusing to lose the beard takes the challenge to a whole new level.
I was reminded of several other bearded icons as Ms Wurst was performing...
... shades of Russell Brand were coming through......

Conchita celebrates her Eurovision win!

... and I even fancied that I had perhaps glimpsed the second coming of a Christ God......
.....or was it a Goddess?

Maybe this time s/he would be accepted and not nailed to a cross?
....and even allowed into America?
But my mind also reminded me of the vintage popularity of the old circus side-show tents where people would flock to pay their money to catch a glimpse of the 'freaks' who had come to town....one of which was usually the ubiquitous 'bearded lady'.
And I found myself wondering...
....have we really come so far after all?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Europop

Whatto! Pepys...

For some time now, my interest in the Eurovision Song Contest has been sadly lacking.
I have been away in the far east since January and have been enjoying the music there instead.
Now I have returned and am searching for some good quality European music to emerse myself into.
The Eurovision song contest is not somewhere I expect to find any inspiration.... even though, on the face of it - it appears to be the perfect vehicle for new and innovative world music.
Maybe it's because of the obvious, mechanical, trite, vaccuous attempts at making instant hits?
Maybe its because I know that all the best music in the world steers clear of competitions like this.
Maybe it's because all the previous winners music were tunes I can only describe as aural pollution.
However, if I was kidnapped and tied to a chair naked and forced to reveal one selected choice of song from the Eurovision contest that I could invest any semblance of emotional feeling into it would have to be this beauty from Finland.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAh9NRGNhUU

I gather the finals are being completed tonight for Englands entry.
I can only hope it has something approaching this songs energy levels.
The Band's name may have had some influence on my final decision too!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel