Whatto! Pepys...
I am always asked, as someone who considers themselves to be an expert in the field of interviewing (I was regularly seconded to interview panels in the Foreign Office during my time there) if I would like to share with you some interview tips which I believe could clinch it for you in that 'all important' job interview.
And today I said 'Yes!'
First!
Remember first impressions count
So when you are shown to the interview room, always walk further up the corridor and say
"I always go the extra mile!"
Then click your heels together
and do a small Hitler salute.
This action will cement you as a lasting impression onto their subconscious!
As you walk into the interview room with the interviewer, try to make small talk with them such as
"You look like my real father"
or
"Do you think I look nice?".
This simple act will immediately endear you to the interviewer before you've even sat down!
Then, as soon as you enter the room, loosen your tie and say
“Phew! Is it me or did it just get 100% more dynamic in here?”
Then high five yourself.
Remember to smile continually during this introductory phase.
There is however one exception.
If they ask if you got here all right, immediately lose the smile and reply
“I always succeed in getting to where I’m going”
then do a sweeping kung fu style kick over the chair you've been given to sit down in.
Everything so far is going according to plan.
Rapport!
You must build a personal rapport with the interviewer as soon as possible.
A tried and trusted method is to produce 2 cans of Dr Pepper and push one over to your interviewer.
Then break open yours and say to them
"Virgo. Am I right?"
You have a one in twelve chance of random success right there.
If they answer
"No... Libra"
...immediately look puzzled but slowly let an expression of realisation flood over your face
as if you suddenly 'understand'.
Then lean forward and whisper to them
"You crafty minx!"
The beauty of this scenario is that is works whether your interviewer is male or female.
By this point you will have made a great impression on your interviewer
and they will no doubt want to show you some sign of their affection.
If they extend their hand for you to shake,
enclose it carefully inside both of your cupped hands and say
"Look! A hand cuddle! I love this job."
Preparation!
Any experienced and successful interviewee who reaches this point will know that, in the next few minutes, what separates him (or her - but usually him) from every other candidate will be the amount of preparation he has done beforehand.
YOU will be sitting very comfortably knowing that you have some extra special secret weapons
in your arsenal of secret arsenal weapons.
And Yes!
I DO mean Props!
Imagine the impact you can have by simply giving your interviewer
a carefully hollowed out pork pie
and then leaning back and saying
"That pie is your company right now!
And I’m your pork!"
Any astute interviewer will immediately grasp the enormity of this situation.
Another trick you can employ is to bring a brightly coloured box with you
and then, during the interview
point at it several times saying
"I do all my thinking outside of that."
If this happens in front of me I feel a sudden rush of moistness
and I know I'm in the presence of a true 'Winner'.
Drink!
It is customary for Interviewers to offer any Candidate a drink.
This is a delberate ploy to see how you react.
If you are asked if you want anything to drink, say "Just a glass of job please!"
Then laugh for 24 seconds.
No less.
This shows them again that not only do you want the job
and realise that you are at an interview for a job
but also that you have a really great sense of humour
and an accurate sense of timekeeping.
Big score.
If you are offered the chance to pour yourself a drink -
TAKE IT!
But choose water from a jug
because you are now about to take this interview
to another level!
And you'll be utilising THEIR props
to make a success of yourself!
Gift!
It's so easy to show your potential future employer that you are the sort of person who will give 110% by simply pouring 10% too much water into your glass.
Watch their faces
...as the water runs out of the glass
...and over your hand
...onto the floor.
Smile knowingly.
You're a Winner!
You!
If the interviewer starts mentioning dull subjects about the Company like products, profits or holiday entitlements this is a sign that you need to bring the subject matter back to something more important - YOU!
Tell them you won’t need a lunch hour because you’re powered by results.
Then make a low powerboat noise for 140 seconds.
Even if they talk over your powerboat noise...
DO NOT BE DETERRED!
By finishing your self-allocated 140 seconds of sound effects you have once again proved that you are someone who cannot be easily swayed from action and that you have the confidence and determination to carry out whatever you set your mind to and see it through to the end.
Success!
There are a number of other ways the Winning Candidate can subliminally increase their chances of success without even having to speak!
For example, you can easily wear football socks.
This will immediately give the illusion
that you are a healthy, fit and sporty character.
Then, by slowly hitching your trousers up a few inches during the interview
you are subconsciously conveying to them that you are a team player!
The well prepared Candidate will always go the extra mile
and have ‘Sustained Growth’ embroidered down the outside of each sock
in letters large enough for the interviewer to quickly discern.
Well Done You!
Intimacy!
You will be using the interviewers name almost every other word as you speak
to increase the intimacy between you both.
By the end of the interview the interviewer MUST feel as if they they have known you their whole life,
to the point that, if you showed up at their house that evening for supper
they would assume you knew where the toilet was
and that they were, in some way, related to you.
If you commit the Cardinal Sin of not thoroughly memorising their name
don't worry too much
you can easily overcome this problem
by simply referring to them as "Jobsy" or "Jobbo" or "Jobman".
Lazy Traps!
Even experienced Interviewers fall into what I like to call 'Lazy Traps'.
These are common questions that crop up so frequently that it's worth preparing for them.
"What are your weaknesses?"
When asked what your weaknesses are for instance, just say 'Kate Middleton'.
This immediately shows that you love Royalty and babies and watch hours of State run television.
Don't say stuff like 'persistent lateness' 'laziness' or 'death'.
"Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?"
When asked where you see yourself in 5 years time,
you should say
"As the owner of a hotel for cats"
and tap the side of your nose like you know the market.
Or you may prefer at this juncture, to make use of the interview room for dramatic effect.
It is, after all - YOUR STAGE!
In which case you can say
“I hope to become part of the furniture here”
then immediately crouch into a ball pretending to be a stool.
Hold this position for 4 minutes.
If you find you have been given a gas filled chair to sit in,
it's a simple matter when asked where you see yourself in five years’ time,
to make your gas-filled chair rise up above them all...
and looking down, you should say
"Here, Dawg!"
Your proven ability to improvise in stressful situations will considerably impress any interviewer
...considerably.
"Why do you think you are ideal for this job?"
If you are asked "Why do you think you are ideal for this job?" you again have several options open to you.
Personally I would recommend slowly unbuttoning your shirt to reveal a Superman ‘S’ and then say
"Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
No, it’s increased productivity!"
Or, if you prefer a more dramatic response you can show you’re a fast learner
by wearing an L plate round your neck and a Usain Bolt face-mask.
Don’t speak.
They’ll get it.
But what could be better than again utilising your pre-prepared 'sock prop'?
Drawing attention to this prop ensures that any message on your sock will be clearly seen as you remove it and then, wearing it as a sock puppet on one hand, make it whisper in your ear and say
"What’s that you say, Mr Wuzzles?
I seem to be the IDEAL person for the job?"
Then pass around some mints.
You have literaly got them eating out of your hand!
... or your sock if it's still on.
You can also utilise technology by making your phone ring...
...then you simply answer it saying
"I can’t talk now,
I’m on a date...
...a date...
..... with Destiny!”
Then wink at them.
They LOVE that.
By now you will have made such a lasting impression
that you can begin to plan what you will be spending you new salary on.
And depending on the amount of salary involved it might be worth your while investing some of it to utilise success within the interview with yet another 'Winning Strategy'
Simply hire a billboard across the road from the interview room!
A billboard that shows YOU wrestling a bear!
By pointing to it occasionally as you speak you will be guaranteeing that they recognise the seriousness of the situation.
You can also Guarantee a second interview by wearing clown shoes at the first interview and not mentioning it until the second interview.
You're welcome!
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
