Lord Noel Eats It Up

What ho! pepys...

Last night (during a discussion over dinner) my dear wife Lady Jacqueline had the audacity to call me pretentious!
I almost choked on my Balsamic Glaze!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On The Moon Man

What ho! Pepys...

One of the Worlds heroes has passed on...

(Even though he looks a lot like Karl Pilkington in this picture)

... he will always be a hero.

I'm not sure what Neil has planned for his afterlife?

Maybe he'll be fired into space and become part of the Cosmos?

Then we could honestly say that he has shuffled orf this mortal coil.

It would be a shame if he ended up here on Earth with all us mere Earthlings

after achieving such a momentous feet on the surface of another world.

I bet when he did it - he was over the Moon.

On the downside I also found out today that all the landings were faked on Button Moon!

Pass the cheese.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On New York

What ho! Pepys...

Lady Jacqueline had a lovely time in New York - enjoying a girlie weekend with some friends.
And she has often mentioned since that we should travel there as a couple.
But recent news reports are concerning me a great deal.
The shooting there by Jeffrey Johnson of his former boss was well televised and ended when Johnson and nine bystanders were shot.
I gather Mayor Bloomberg laments the amount of guns there are in American society and I fully expected him to use this an another tragic example of the 'American problem' to sway citizens to disarm en masse.
However - it has already come to light (remarkably when one considers how biased the media have been in the Lasange case) that ALL NINE BYSTANDERS WERE SHOT BY POLICE!
WTF?
I honestly believed that American police officers received training in how to fire guns!
But if they DID it would make these shooting deliberate!... and that can't be the case - can it?
It must be just down to the fact that the American Police are completely incompetent.
Maybe I'll cancel my trip to NYC and use the money instead to buy some target practise for the NYPD.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel



Lord Noel On The Sun And Heir

What ho! Pepys...

This is Harry.

In London England Harry is known as a Prince.

In Las Vegas America Harry is known as a Prick.

Look at Harry.

Harry has some lovely beach balls.

Harry likes to show orf his beach balls to others.

Usually during games of strip Poker against women - which Harry loses.

How many Millions?

Never mind Harry.

Demure (for now) Prince Harry - guarding the Crown jewels

Top marks for enthusiasm but the red star is a bit of a fashion faux pas

Never mind Harry.

At least YOU had the time of your life

and the taxpayers will refund all your loses.

Harry IS happy.

So if you are ever summoned to The Royal Palace for an award and are feeling particularly nervous, just try to imagine Prince Harry naked - it shouldn't be hard.

(Unless you prefer it that way.)

The full story is available free with photos at here

 http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/50836/prince-harry-loses-50-milliion-in-vegas/.

Or you can give some much needed money to Rupert Murdoch by purchasing today's copy of the Sun newspaper who said they felt the need to print it.

Something to do with the Pubic interest.

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Protein

What ho! Pepys...

Today I had a horrible experience in Town

when I went to our local Butcher's shop.

As I perused the various fleshy products on display in the shop window I noticed a sausage that looked just like me...

I think it must have been my doppelbanger.

Suddenly the Butcher appeared at the doorway with his crazy smile, blurting out "You can't beat my meat!"

I came away quite shocked...

...all I wanted was some pork chops!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Eve

What ho! Pepys...

We have a new vicar in town....

...and it's a LADY!

As we left the church after her first sermon I stopped to ask her mischieviously to explain the Story of Creation to me....

"Well Lord Noel" she said "After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

She went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. ... she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see....where did I put the useless tit?"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Thinks Stuff

What ho! Pepys....

I have learned a number of interesting things during my short life. Here are a random five of them...
Number 1. People say to me "Money cannot buy you happiness Lord Noel." And I reply "Well I suppose that's true to a certain extent but I have to say that it's much more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle."
Number 2. Negativity is a terrible thing to carry through your life so I would encourage everyone to warmly embrace one of my Rules of life which is: Always forgive your enemy.
(Just remember their name).
Number 3. Some people say to me "A friend in need Lord Noel is a friend indeed" and I say to these people "What the hell are you doing in my kitchen?" and then (when I realise they are the Cook) I add "Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again". Is this really what you want? If it is - good for you.
Number 4. I honestly believe that many, many, many people are alive today only because it's illegal to shoot them. Their time may be coming - sooner than they think. Check out 'real' media sources for honest news of growing Fascist State exploits in a country near YOU!.
Number 5. People also say to me (because I am quite an approachable - What the hell are you looking at?! - kind of person ) "Lord Noel - You above all others should know that alcohol doesn't solve any problems" and I agree with them too - but then neither does milk! In fact I think you'll find that the problem solving properties of any liquid are highly over rated.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Asks "Did You Know?"

What ho! Pepys...

Did You Know?

"Ear wax is just brain shit!" 

If you're doubting the veracity of this fact just ask your local brainologist and he will gleefully confirm it.

I did and he told me "I know this shit because I are one!"

I was asking him why, when I think a great deal about things, my brain hurts.

 

You're welcome

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on 'Killing - The Humane Way'

What ho! Pepys...

Always remember to put full fat cheese into your mouse traps. 

That way, if the trap doesn't get them...

...the cholesterol will.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Geography Lesson

What ho! Pepys...

When I discovered this map this morning I was cock-a-hoop.
Which is why my friends won't ever play Netball with me again.

I think it might help you plan your holidays...

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Technology

Whatto! Peeps...

I am so glad that modern forms of communication have arrived...

Can you imagine trying to use your phone to update the various social interaction sites today if we still had to go through the operator?

In my day the Telegram was the fastest way to get a message sent...

...and it was also quite an effort to render a telegram illegible.

You really had to pull out all the stops.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - lord Noel

Lord Noel Gets Charitable

What ho! Pepys...

I've been doing my bit to help those less fortunate than myself by organising a Fashion Show.

In a radical departure from the usual fashion shows I've taken to kitting out our local tramps as models...

...to draw attention to the growing number of homeless people in the UK. 

So what do you think?...

Does my bum look big in this?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Horoscopic Visions

What ho! Pepys...

Today: GEMINI

Don't forget to check your post this morning.

You get a rejection letter from The Jeremy Kyle Show...

...for being too common.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel