Happy Halloween!

Whatto! Fellow Weirdies..............
Tonight is the night when all manner of weird and wonderful creatures fly abroad.......
.....and if you look out in the pitch black night sky.........
....you might just catch a fleeting glimpse of them.......

....with their ghoulies out!

...but remember not to OVERDO it!...........
.....oooooooooooh!!!!!

....ssssssssscary!!!!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

On the Move

Whatto! Earthlings..............

Another day of rain I fear!.............

Rain falling as I woke up.................

Rain falling as I drove to my mothers......................

.......and rain falling from my Fathers eyes when I took him in my arms and gave him one final hug......

It took everything I could muster not to join him..............as he sobbed uncontrollably against my chest.......... It wasn't like him..................... but then again.................he really hasn't been 'himself' recently................

......confused and alone........

.......he tried to explain that he thought we'd all forgotten about him........

.....that he thought he'd been ABANDONED!........

and then I had to explain that I was ABANDONING him tomorrow!.............

Maybe he knew the TRUTH all along??

We tried to reassure him that he is regularly talked about and that we ALL love him......

................and I think that made a difference............

I suppose it does.....................

to know that wherever you are.................... there's always someone...............

...............somewhere....................who loves you...................

....... Due to his recent antics......................

.....the staff had to call the Police when he had his last 'episode'.................

and I can understand their concern ............he put a chair through a window....................

and apparently had to be subdued by two Police officers who sprayed him with CS!......

Not bad for a 76 year old heh?!

Anyway.............he's being moved to a more secure Hospital..........

.........where they specialise in dementia and mental illness...................

Maybe we should all reserve OUR rooms now?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Visiting our Local

Whatto! social drinkers..............


The other day I decided to get dressed up and pay another visit to our local hostelry.........

A fine pub situated within staggering distance of Virtual Manor...........

I should add that it is because of my ideosyncratic character that I am always welcomed there............

.........and on this particular afternoon I went in dressed in a quite unusual outfit (even by MY standards!)...........

It consisted of a large pink flamingo draped over my shoulders and a large pussy cat down the front of my kilt!........

Obviously there was a mild commotion when I first walked in................

.......and I got the odd incredulous look & comment in my direction.........

But this soon died down as I confidently strode towards the bar to order my first drink of the day...............

"My good Barman!" I called out......... "I'd like a lovely Champagne cocktail my good fellow!".............

The barman duly poured my cocktail and then said "That'll be £6.80 please your Lordship!"

"£6.80!?" shouted my cat - "I wouldn't pay £6.80 for a Champagne cocktail!"

I just smiled uncomfortably, stroked my pussy and continued to pay the man and drink my delicious cocktail...........

Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!!.............. Delicious!!!...................

"I say old chap!" I called out a few minutes later......... "I'd rather like a spot of that Vieux Armagnac you've got back there!"..........

The barman obliged once again and placed my drink down infront of me in the usual manner........

"That will be £13.10" says the barman............

........and again my cat made a fuss!...... "£13.10 for an Armagnac!? That's disgraceful!".......

Then my flamingo tapped me the head with its beak and said "Can I have a packet and cheese and onion crisps please?"

"That will be 66p please" says the barman, laying down the crisps...........

"66 pence!? ....... For a bag of crisps!?" said my cat loudly "That's SCANDALOUS!!!!"........

The barman looked slightly concerned for a moment and then said to me "I don't mean to be rude but I have noticed that your cat has been complaining about the price of everything - what ever's wrong with it?

I was somehow expecting his question...............

........it was inevitable enough in the circumstances.............

So I took a large sip from my Armagnac and set out to explain everything to him..........

I began by telling him the truth.......

"Well, my dear fellow!" I began ........ "I was on holiday in County Wicklow - in Ireland...............

..........and I was walking along by the side of the river bank when I heard a little voice shouting "Help me! Save me!"..........

And when I looked over there was a leprechaun stuck in the bottom of a tree!......

The leprechaun said to me "If you help me get free from here I will grant you a wish!"

"Really?!" said the barman.........."And what did you wish for?"

"I asked him for a tall bird with a tight pussy!"

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Improving our Airlines

Whatto! Sky Travellers..........

I have travelled extensively throughout the years on various airlines and from observing each experience I have come to certain conclusions which I believe may assist certain forward-thinking Airlines to get ahead of their competitors.................

.......and I am prepared to reveal those important conclusions here and now to you all...........

They are dynamite!!..........

Okay! Firstly .........get rid of the male flight attendants!...........

Sorry old chap...........but I think you'll find.............

No one wanted them in the first place........

Then replace all the female flight attendants .........

.....with good-looking strippers!

TALLYHO!!!......

Simple and EFFECTIVE!! After all they don't even serve food anymore, so there's absolutely NO loss!

These highly trained strippers would get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin and thus triple the sales of expensive 'on-board' alcohol!!...............

Men would naturally start flying more frequently in the hope of seeing naked women.

These female flight attendants would also command big tips from happy travellers thus avoiding the need to pay them a salary - saving even more money!.........

It may be that the tips received would be so good that these women could be charged for working on the plane!............. and the airline could even look at the possibility of deducting 20 % of the tips as a sort of 'kick-back'!..........

........thus increasing revenue still further!!............

(Above: "Excuse me young lady but I think you'll find you're sitting on my nuts!")

This is without mentioning the additional perks, which could include lap dances and 'special services' that they may chose to provide!..........

Muslims would be less inclined to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women......

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and customer safety records would increase exponentially!

The airline industry would see record revenues!.......

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a failing liability into an asset!.......

I expect my dear friend Richard Branson (or Dickie as I prefer to call him) will be reading this right now..........

As a vibrant entrepreneur - he's always quick orf the mark! Har!!!..............

And he has the added advantage of always being surrounded by beautiful Virgin ladies!

I've often heard it said that.........."When Dickie is involved.............. men lose ALL reason!"

Why didn't Gordon Brown think of this? ........Why do I have to do everything myself?

Tallyho!!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Points I've Pondered

Whatto! Wonderful people................
There are a number of things in life that I have pondered on from time to time............
Here are SOME of them............
...in no particular order:

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all our money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

When they make new dog food with 'improved taste' - who tests it?

Why couldn't Noah have just squashed those two little mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needles they use for lethal injections?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

That's better! lol
Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel

Life Insurance

Whatto! Living people...............

The other day my lovely wife - Lady Jacqueline- got an unsolicited telephone call from a telesales lady purporting to be from a well known Insurance company.............

One can never be too sure .................so she grilled her for a while to check her credentials............

Happy that the formalities had been completed the Insurance lady asked her if she'd like to open a policy.............

Not wishing to appear rude, but wishing to bring the telephone conversation to a speedy conclusion my wife replied "Oh I leave all that kind of thing to my husband" thus avoiding the necessity to be directly rude in order to put her orf!......

Not to be outdone, the Insurance lady seemed sure that she could close a deal somehow ............and pressed on with her telesales patter.....................

"I know it's not something you would wish to think of right now Lady Jacqueline........but do you know what would you do if, for example.............your husband died?"

There was a long pause................

And Lady Jacqueline replied "Do you know...........I've never really thought about that particular event............."

"BUT.......

.......if it happened......".................

".................I'd probably get a budgie!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wasp World

Whatto! Insect lovers................
I must say I was shocked by the sight that awaited me in Lady Jacqueline's dressing room the other morning!.............
It certainly wasn't for the faint hearted!!...........
There on the floor (where else would it be?)..........the carpet was literally and liberally................

........Littered....................
with corpses!.........

Wasp corpses!
There is a nest in the attic above her dressing room and apparently they get in via the extractor fan in the ceiling...............(cunning hey?)

They stagger about for a couple of days looking for a way out and then drop dead on the floor!.......
Not much of a life is it?!........... (although it does sound VERY familiar - Har!)
Anyhow..............
One or two of these malicious buggers have been secreting themselves in my wifes personal accoutraments and lie there in their half dead half alive state.................
Waiting!...............
And sure enough when my good wife goes to put on the said garments.............
(Oblivious to the waiting insect inside)..............
It happens!.............
WHACK!!
It sticks its vicious sting right into her!.......... (This time it was her left forearm!)
She has been subject the daily stinging sessions and is now at the end of her tether.............
Myself - Being an insect lover (and rather lazy too)...........
I used something known as 'tin foil' to cover the extractor fan....... in the hope that they will please sod off somewhere else and stop squirting their poisonous venom into my poor wife!
Im sick of it! and so is SHE!.........
Think how you'd feel if you walked into your wifes dressing room only to find her full of pricks!
You'd be Disgusted!............
Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel

Penguin Chap

Whatto! Once again animal lovers..............
I was stunned and surprised the other day when I saw a young chap carrying a penguin along the High Street in our village.........
From the plumage I could see that it was an Emperor Penguin which originate primarily from the Antartica region.........
I went closer to check that it wasn't stuffed and I found that it was indeed very real ......and very much alive!........
I said to this chap "Excuse me but are you carrying an Emperor Penguin by any chance?"
He turned and smiled a broad smile and said "Why yes it is!"...........
Then he added "How on earth did you know that?"......
To which I replied "Apart from it's obviously magnificent plumage the Emperor Penguins are the largest and heaviest of all penguins"...........
"That's TRUE!" he said ......and, of course he was right.............

"Well young man" I added in a concerned manner......"I would like you to take from me some urgent advice!"

"Yes Sir?" he replied hesitantly "...........And what might that be?"

"Take that penguin to the zoo right now!" I commanded in an obviously irritated voice.......

The young man made off at speed away from me............and I was satisfied that I had helped yet again, to preserve an innocent animals life!.............

However!............

The following day I saw the same chap with the very same penguin ......AGAIN!

I was completely insensed!............

I walked straight over to him...............and said "Yesterday I told you to take this penguin to the Zoo! What on earth are you doing walking round with him again?"

The chap looked at me nervously, clutching his penguin and said "I DID! Yesterday I took him to the zoo like you said"...........

................."and today I'm taking him to the Cinema!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

How to Call the Police!

Whatto! Law abiding citizens..............
I was going to bed when my wife told me that I'd left the light on in the garden shed.
Apparently she could see from the bedroom window..........
I opened the back door to go out to turn off the light but I saw that there was someone in the shed.............. stealing things!.........
I was going to ring the Gardender or the Chauffeur but chose instead to immediately phone the police, who asked me "Is someone actually in your house?"
"No" I said "They're in my shed! And if you come Right now you can actually apprehend them - 'In the Act!"............
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that I should simply lock my door and an officer would be along when one becomes available..........
Naturally I was extremely disappointed by this poor response but found myself saying "OK" and hanging up......................
I was secretly seething with rage at the treatment I'd received..............
and to combat the effects of this understandable rage I counted to 30..............
Then I phoned the police again.................
"Hello" I said "I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed?.........................
Yes? Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them."...................
I then hung up!
Would you believe it!?....................
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at my residence and caught the burglars red-handed!
One of the Policemen later said to me "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
So I replied "And I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel

Visiting the 'You know what'....

Whatto! once more................
Lady Jacqueline (for those who don't know her) can sometimes be prone to great prudishness over the most unexpected things........
She is always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, and we were planning a short break at a particular camp site abroad. She wanted to make sure that it was fully equipped, but didn't feel comfortable asking about the 'toilet facilities'. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So.......after much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but she still thought she was being too forward, so she referred to the bathroom closet as the 'B.C.' in her letter asking "Does the camping ground have it's own B.C.?"
The Campsite owner wrote her the following reply............

Dear Madam, Sorry for delay in answer of your letter, but I take pleasure of telling you that a B.C. is located only nine miles north of camping ground. It is capable of seating 250 peoples at each time. If you are in the habit of going regularly a great many campers go there and take their lunches along to make a day of it. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time! There is special event planning soon for raise money to buy more seats! It pains me very much not to go more regularly, but it is no lack of desire on my part! As I grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, to sit with you and introduce you to all the other peoples. Remember this is very friendly community!

Lady J was a little alarmed at this response and asked me to take over the arrangements..........
I found out that the Campsite owner had shown the letter to several people in an effort to decypher the 'B.C. part and had been told that the only thing they could think of was 'Baptist Chapel'!
Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Blames Poor Public Transport!

Whatto! Weary travellers.............

I have often found that public transport generally is in quite a poor state...........

Several people who I have spoken to say that they are unhappy with the general service and reliability...........

Luckily we have a personal chauffeur so I don't find that I'm directly effected.........

but I experienced it first hand on Saturday night and it was nothing short of.......

HORRIFIC!!..........
We went to the pub to watch some live music and enjoyed the general ambience and atmosphere as vintage wine and vodka flowed freely............. Everyone was in high spirits and the general mod was spectacularly good!...........

Eventually the band finished their set for the night............. and everyone began to consider making their respective ways home.............

It was then............. that the QUANDRY FACED US!!.........
And I began to ask the vital question "What choice is there for people?"

a) at that hour of the night?

b) who live in a little village miles fom anywhere?


I watched in utter amazement as (before my very eyes) people improvised their transport measures!!.............
Some crammed into the boot of a taxi (I'm not sure if they get reduced fares for the inconvenience of having to travel lying down).............And although they all took it in very good spirits............... the final result looked more like and exodus from a disaster zone than what honest decent people should be entitled to expect in this day and age!!


Others took turns with a mobility vehicle......... .......until the batteries were finally worn out!...........
Some chose to put their transportation worries to one side for a while.........and simply DANCE their way home!!!......
Others just began the long, desperate and exhausting CRAWL home on their hands and knees............. Ouch!!!...........


Some simply claimed 'Squatters Rights' for themselves and made a comfortable place on the patio for the night!!

So PLEASE!!!..........Write to YOUR MP demanding improved public transport for villages NOW!

Tallyho!

Best wishes- Lord Noel

Lost Dog

Whatto! animal lovers................

I went to see our neighbour yesterday and found that she was quite upset........

It seems that she'd lost her Chihuahua and was desperate to try to find him........

Being quite a 'large' lady - she spends alot of time indoors and her dog is a constant companion for her.......

I asked her when she'd last seen the dog and she told me that yesterday she was sitting on the couch watching TV and she called out for her puppy in the usual way but got no response!.........

That was apparently very strange as her dog is normally keen to see whatever she has to offer it...............

She mentioned that she found the cat flap in the back door open.........

So her assumption was that her dog must have got out that way.............

Knowing how much her companion means to her............ I immediately offered to assist her in any way I could...........

Obviously we were keen to notify as many people as possible so that we stood some chance of finding her lovely little doggie as soon as possible...............

I suggested that we print up some flyers and post them up around the village in a hope that someone may be able to assist............

It was then............. that I realised!............

Tallyho! Everyone............

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Michaelangelo's David

Whatto! Art enthusiasts...............

I read that America is to return the famous Michaelangelo Statue 'David' to it's rightful home in Italy after having it on display in the US of A for 12 months............
It certainly is a beautiful piece of Art................


The travelling and exhibition costs were met entirely by the two main sponsors.............

Who are very keen to sponsor as many Artistic endeavours as possible in an effort to turn-around recent 'bad press' regarding their products..............

........maybe that explains the state of 'David' on his return!!

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Plays Porn Scrabble!

What ho! Wordmakers..............

The other evening my good lady wife and I were invited for an 'overnighter'..............

which included fine brandy, wine, a pork roast dinner, fruit crumble, roast coffee...........

and a wonderful array of cheeses (together with some freshly picked grapes which we had brought specially from the Virtual Manor vineyard!)..............

followed by a (now infamous) 'spirit comparison' session.............

and then a good old honest-to-goodness traditional wholesome game of.................

Porn Scrabble!!

Let me explain!...........

The idea was to only use the most disgusting words we could think of to complete the board.........

but I have to admit...............

that even with our First Class Educations.........

......it was bally difficult!!

If I tell you that the best that one player could come up with was 'Penis' and 'snog'..........

 

........I think you get the gist of where the level of the game was pitched..............

 

I came in a respectable third place............

(my mother would be proud that I was able to think of so few dirty words!)

.....and I was awarded a cake!! (with celebratory Xmas / New Year / Birthday candles!!!)

which I gladly blew out with pride............

unfortunately that just about knackered me out for the rest of the evening!............

......and I had to go and collapse of the sofa...........

Not exactly the 'life and soul of the party'..............

I think the 'Spirit tasting' had taken it's toll on me..........

We stayed over......and the next day..... we were no sooner awake (around midday!)........

and we were plied with a wonderful full English breakfast - with ALL the trimmings!!

Absolutely Tremendous!............

 

(At this point I thought you might like to see a rare and unusual photograph of me......... deep in a self-induced 'Scrabble Trance' where I scour my extensive memory banks for the exact word required to win me the game conclusively........however - it doesn't always work!.....and certainly isn't a pretty sight!!!!)

..........and we were told that this whole event was as a 'Thank you' for all the hospitality we'd shown our wonderful hosts over the last few months!

How generous was that?!

Thank You both very much!..............

We really appreciate it!.....

Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline x